“I Can See An Emmy From My House!”

Here’s Julianne Moore all dressed up in Sarah Palin drag for HBO’s Game Change, which started shooting today. Game Change is all about John McCain’s 2008 run for president from when he plucked Sarah Palin out of a bear rug’s mouth to when he lost against Obama. Ed Harris is playing McCain, Woody Harrelson is playing McCain’s senior campaign advisor and Melissa Farman is playing Bristol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I care about is who is playing my favorite pill-popping Republican ice queen goddess Cindy McCain?! I swear, if they screw up that casting… They better have cast a magnificent stone cold beauty with sparkling sapphire eyes like that of the silver-plated dolphin bracelet my third grade teacher always wore. You don’t know how many times my third grade teacher said, “Oh, my great aunt left it to me when she passed.” Ho, was your great aunt named Claire’s, because you know that’s where it came from!

Come to think of it, my third grade teacher’s dolphin bracelet should play Cindy McCain! Or Sandra Lee. One of those.

via Zap2It

The Refined Glamour Of Sarah Palin

We’re so obsessed with whatever H&M dress Michelle Obama wore this week when the fashion industry should really be lowering their Blue Blockers at the real style icon of this country: SARAH PALIN. The Governor of… The vice presidential… The reality star… The leading cause of question marks… The um… Oh, it doesn’t matter that I have no idea what the hell Sarah Palin does anymore! The only thing that matters right now is that I can see GLAMOUR from her wrist! Sarah Palin was at an event on Long Island (could this be anywhere else?) yesterday and she proudly pledged her allegiance to beaded patriotic cuffs!!! That is the kind of cuff you’d wear to stomp into The Fudge Palace and declare that every American has the right to TEA BAG!

One would think that you’d pair a cuff like that with red and white rubber boots or gladiator sandals made out of torn Nascar t-shirts, but Sarah flipped the fashion world upside down by Siegfried & Roy-ing all of us:

I didn’t know there’s such a thing as leopard printed moose (or meese, as someone I knew calls them)! Leave it to Sarah to keep shooting us with new trends. Normally you’d only see a pair of shoes like that standing on a puddle of barf at Karma during an episode of Jersey Shore or kicking at a pimp on the corner, but Sarah has proved to us that they can be as classy as a beaded patriotic cuff!!

via Business Insider & HuffPo

And That’s An Insult How?!

If you ask Tracy Morgan if he’d rather Tina Fey or Sarah Palin, you just know some Family Shield shit is going to come diving out of his mouth. But when TNT’s Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley asked Tracy that weird question during the Knicks-Heat game last night, his answer wasn’t that bad. TNT still apologized for it. I won’t give away Tracy’s answer in case you haven’t seen it, but if someone said that about me, I’d stitch that quote into all my clothes like Laverne, add it to my tombstone and probably ask the court to legally change my first name to it. The white dude in the clip knows what I’m talking about (no, he doesn’t).

via USA Today

Sarah & Kate’s Nightmare Camping Trip

Don’t expect Lucifer’s wish for a Palin/Gosselin 2012 ticket to come true, because Mama Grizzly can’t wait for the day she gets to hunt, skin and grill Kate’s old possum hair. Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin forced bears to contemplate a year-long hibernation by camping together in Alaska for an episode of Mama Grizzly’s show which airs this Sunday. If you haven’t already hissed and thrown holy water at the preview, Mama Cunty whines about how this is the HARDEST THING SHE’S DONE IN HER LIFE while Mama Grizzly throws her a “Pfft. And they call me an annoying bitch” eye roll. UsWeekly says that the tension on camera was even worse off camera.

Some ho close to Kate said that she and Sarah had about as much chemistry as Jon Gosselin and a full-time job. While Kate’s child army were happy doing camping shit, Kate’s tongue continued to launch complaint after complaint about everything from how the food sucks to how the cold air was biting at her already frozen heart. The source went on to explain, “They didn’t speak off camera. She said the food and accommodations were terrible, and it was the worst trip she’d ever been on. [Kate] had a meltdown and left the campground before sundown. She just couldn’t cope.”

Fuck Kate in her whine hole! Did she ever stop to think about the poor innocent wild animals she violated with her screeching bitch and moans? And the poor innocent wild trees that the poor innocent wild animals had to kick out of frustration? And the poor innocent wild hatchlings that fell out of the poor innocent wild trees when the poor innocent wild animals kicked their frustrations out? Stupid bitch!

And you know who else is a stupid bitch? The producer of this mess! They should’ve taken advantage of Kate and Sarah’s hate for each other by staging a Mortal Kombat-like duel to the death. The wild animals and hatchlings would’ve gathered around them to scream “FINISH HER! FINISH HER!” It would’ve been a beautiful moment!

Here’s Kate leaving a salon in NYC last night with $2000 on top of her head.