Vincent Gallo Is Still Alive And Has Penned A Long Winded Essay About Roger Ebert, Etc.

Because 2018 clearly doesn’t have enough assholes of its own, 2004 has kindly offered to let us take one of its biggest off its hands for free. You guys remember Vincent Gallo, right? Greasy looking fellow who said Roger Ebert had “the physique of a slave-trader” and put a hex on his colon saying he hoped he got cancer for panning The Brown Bunny? No? He’s the guy that auctioned himself off as a male escort saying “Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill” but said “no way Jose” to gay men or transgender women but “lesbos” were ok? Yeah, that guy. He’s back to talk about Harvey Weinstein, piss on Roger Ebert’s grave and compare himself to Donald Trump in an essay posted to AnOther Man.

Continue reading

How Could I Forget Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls?!!!!?

In my post about the death of Roger Ebert today, my stupid brain forget to mention one of the greatest achievements of his career: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls! Roger Ebert took a break from reviewing movies for The Chicago Sun-Times to write the X-rated soft-core porn cult classic. The first time I saw it, I was 16ish and my friends and I got drunk on Strawberry Hill, and while they were barfing in bathrooms around the house, I glued my eyes to the screen. I needed to barf too, but I held it down, because I was hypnotized by it. There’s something about being 16 and drunk and watching two hos from the 1970s hump on a round bed. At the Oscars next year, they should give Roger Ebert a posthumous Oscar for co-writing this beautiful mess. I can’t believe I forgot about it.

Tonight, I should drink the black sperm of somebody’s vengeance as punishment for forgetting it. Well, I was going to drink some anyway, but tonight I’ll do it for Roger Ebert.

Roger Ebert’s Last Word On His Twitter Fight With Bam Margera

Sadly, the Roger Ebert and Bam Margera bitch fight did not end with one them beating the other in a fart mask duel. It ended with Roger Ebert writing on his website that he regrets that Bam Margera and others took his “friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk” Tweet as mean because that’s not how he meant it.

In case you were busy swallowing a gold fish before barfing it up in a bowl, shortly after Ryan Dunn killed himself and his friend by crashing into a tree, Roger wrote a Tweet that burned Bam’s b-hole. Bam called Roger a “piece of shit” who needs to “shut his fucking mouth.” Roger explained himself like this:

To begin with, I offer my sympathy to Ryan Dunn’s family and friends, and to those of Zachary Hartwell, who also died in the crash. I mean that sincerely. It is tragic to lose a loved one. I also regret that my tweet about the event was considered cruel. It was not intended as cruel. It was intended as true.

I have no way of knowing if Ryan Dunn was drunk at the time of his death. What I knew before posting my tweet was that not long before his death, he posted a photo on Tumbler showing himself drinking with two friends.

Roger then went on to write about the details of Ryan’s last night. Roger then admits that maybe he should’ve sat on his fingers for a little bit before he wrote a Drunk Driving PST (Public Service Tweet).

I don’t know what happened in this case, and I was probably too quick to tweet. That was unseemly. I do know that nobody has any business driving on a public highway at 110 mph, as some estimated — or fast enough, anyway, to leave a highway and fly through 40 yards of trees before crashing. That is especially true if the driver has had three shots and three beers. Two people were killed. What if the car had crashed into another car?

I think we’re all missing something here. I’m talking about how fucking weird it is that Roger Ebert and Bam Margera are slapping at each other on Twitter of all places? The Internet is a hell of a motherfucking drug. I would expect a shopping cart derby between the ghost of Gene Siskel and my old skater boy neighbor who ate his own scabs before I’d expect a stupid ass fight between Roger Ebert and Bam Margera.

Roger was right, Bam was half-right and now that this is finally over the former can go back to shooting out shiny beautiful gems like this:

Sam Sung | June 21, 2011 10:42 AM | Reply

Dear Mr. Ebert,

I would be interest in building condos in your hollow jaw. We can split the profits 50/50. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks! Sam

Ebert: My jaw as it now exists was designed by Frank Gehry, and has landmark status.

Roger Ebert vs. Bam Margera

Jackasses’ Ryan Dunn is shitting toy cars on heaven’s carpet and doing homoerotic stunts with the angels today and there’s lots of talk about how he got there. The facts are that three hours before Ryan crashed his Porsche into a tree, he was slurping up the sweet nectar at a bar. Some witnesses at the bar say that Ryan had 3 beers, 3 shots and was “wasted.” Other witnesses say that he had a couple of beers and wasn’t even drunk enough to make a Breathalyzer bust into a boner. The police speculated that Ryan was going around 100mph before he hit the tree.

Ryan’s autopsy went down yesterday and so the toxicology reports should be out soon. Shortly after the news of Ryan’s crash went around, Roger Ebert reviewed his death on Twitter and gave it one thumb down.

Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive.
19 hours ago via SocialOomph

You can say that Roger Tweets the truth! You can say that Roger Tweets the truth TOO SOON! Or you can say Roger needs to shove his Tweet up his ass and shoot it into the mouth of a toilet where it belongs. Of course, Ryan’s fellow Jackasser, Bam Margera, went with the latter when he went off about Roger’s Tweet on Twitter.

I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents
10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

About a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!
10 hours ago

Both Roger and Bam need to stop and think about what Ryan Dunn would want! Would Ryan really want them to be kicking at each other’s dick bones on Twitter?! TWITTER? When Twitter isn’t bringing out a ho’s dick pictures, it’s bringing out a ho’s assholery. You know, there’s a lot truth to what Roger said and Bam has every right to flip his keystrokes about it. But they should really put their differences aside and mourn the loss of Ryan by pouring one out into a funnel that’s shoved up their b-holes. That’s what Ryan would want!