The Dumbasses Of Sundance

Who let the barnyard door open?! I thought Sundance was supposed to be about movies and shit. Not about these pieces of trash polluting the scenery with their fugness. And what the hell are these fools wearing? Did they get dressed on the short bus? Think of all the poor animals and spools of polyester that died for this shit.

That’s not fringe on Linda Hogan’s purse and her creepy mantoy’s jacket. Their jackets and her purse are crying leather tears because they’ve been forced to be worn by these tools. I’m surprised a bulldozer didn’t come through and knock them down thinking they were a disaster zone. They really do look like mother and son. I bet Linda dresses him in diapers and shaves his dick bush.

Speaking of dick bushes, Nick Hogan is making KFed and Vanilla Ice look hardcore. Where is a fucking Crip when you need em?

Lastly, Wonky McValtrex looks like she sits at the round table and spends hours trying to put the little straw in her juicebox. Those floppy ears on her head probably match the floppy rotten salmon curtains on her crotch.

Sundance has seriously gone to the fucktards.

The Hogans Can’t Drive: Part 1,234,564

When you see a Hogan driving down the street, immediately get out of their way, pull the fuck over, run out of your car and take shelter in a safe place.

Yesterday afternoon in Clearwater, FL, Linda Hogan was involved in a little accident not far from Nick Hogan’s tragic car crash.

The po po said that Linda’s white Mercedes-Benz didn’t get that fucked up, but the other car involved in the accident got most of the damage. The police also said, “She was rear-ended, but it was just a fender-bender and there were no injuries reported.”

He’s talking about her car, by the way. We already know that bitch has been rear-ended, side-ended, front-ended, etc… She is a walking beat down wreck! Although, it was smart of her to get those airbag titties installed a while ago. They saved her!

A witness-type told TMZ that the accident was not Linda’s fault, but I don’t buy it. Everything is the Hogans fault. They are to blame for everything. When I can’t go caca right, I blame the Hogans. They shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel of moving vehicles. Better yet, they should not be allowed to leave their homes.

Here’s some super exciting pictures of Linda and her manchild at the scene of the accident yesterday.

Linda Hogan Wants More, More, More!

It takes a lot of money too look like a ran over piece of trash, because Linda Hogan wants more of it! Hulk Hogan is currently paying her gutter garbage ass $40,000 a month in temporary alimony, but she’s whining that it’s not enough and she’s going poor. Meanwhile, some broke bitches are trying to make balanced meals out of Top Ramen, popcorn, white rice and ketchup packets from McDonald’s.

Linda dragged Hulk into court on Thursday and asked a judge to unfreeze their assets, so that she could dip into them. She should drown in them if you ask me. Hulk’s lawyer asked Linda to show proof that she’s going broke. Um. Just look at her. That’s a broke down, used up bitch if I ever saw one.

In addition to the 40 grand a month, Hulk also pays for repairs and maintenance to the home. He refused to pay for cable TV, window washing, their security system and pest control. Oh, that’s where the $40k a month is going. Imagine how much it costs to keep the fleas, scabies, crabs, roaches, maggots and silverfish off of this skank!

Hulk also told the court that Linda recently dropped $14,000 on plastic surgery. The surgeon forgot to do one very important surgery: he forgot to sew her mouth shut. Shit. Sew all Hogan’s mouths shut.

You know, I think we’re all going to laugh until we queef in 5 years when Linda is really broke, because her 19-year-old fug toy ran off with all her money. And then we’re going to gag on our own vomit after watching the sex tape she’ll “leak” to drum up some cash. Ugh. That’s totally going to happen.

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Raffy Is Not Having A Good Time

Get out the Bounty and wipe the crocodile tears off your face, because Raffaello Follieri is not having a lovely autumn. Why you ask? It’s because he’s in fucking prison! Duh. What the hell did he expect? A merry gay orgy with endless supplies of lube, Baby Wipes and Donna Summer? WRONG. He got the gay orgy but without the lube.

Raffy Fullofshitti was sentenced to 4.5 years in the chokey for messing with Jesus. Raffy is currently being held at some joint in Brooklyn waiting to be moved to his permanent home. Even though his current home is temporary, he’s still bitching about it. Raffy’s lawyer filed a motion with the judge asking for her client to be moved, because his current cell conditions are gross.

He’s bitching that the toilets are nasty, there’s shit in the showers, rats are running around everywhere, the food is rotten, the stench is unbearable and he has to share a cell with 120 other dudes. That shit sounds better than some of the NYC apartments I’ve lived in!

His lawyer also said that the conditions have made him sick, causing him to run a fever. There’s also blood in his piss. Wait. Has he ever fucked Wonky McValtrex?

Wah! Wah! Wah! Yeah, I’m sure he would rather be sleeping in a KMart bathroom (that shit is wretched), but such is life. He just needs to stick a finger in his brown eye, make himself another grilled cheese sandwich on the radiator and shut his Zach Braff-wannabe lips.

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Raffy Gets Four And A Half

Annie Hathaway’s former beard Raffaello Follieri was sentenced to four and a half years in the chokey today for messing with Jesus. Zach Braff’s clone pleaded guilty in September for wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy after he pretended to be the CFO of the Vatican. He stole millions from investors.

In addition to serving four and a half years in the concrete resort, Raffy also got 3 years of supervised probation. He will start serving his sentence today.

Something tells me that’s not the only sentence that was handed down to him today. This bitch ass has earned a prime spot next to us on the Winnebago to the 9th circle of Hell.

I wonder how Annie took the news? She was probably eating a chunky tuna sammy, looked up, pulled a celery string out of her teeth, shrugged and then kept chomping.

Expect A Nick Hogan Reality Show In 3…2….

Mouth breather Nick Hogan was set free from jail at 12:30 this morning in Clearwater, Florida after serving 166 days of his 8-month sentence. He was given time off for good behavior aka they were sick of hearing his whines and cries. Nick was sent to the clink after he pleaded no contest to reckless driving.

Brooke Hogan and her *klassy* tramp stamp welcomed the short bus version of KFed back into civilization. The two dumb bitches then drove off to their mom’s house where there was a party waiting. Yay! Let’s party and get crunk while John Graziano lays in a hospital bed.

This morning, Linda Hogan released this statement asking for privacy. Take it with an extra-large grain of shit:

“This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick’s adjustment back into the public life keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media’s role and only ask that they respect our privacy.

Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time”

She went on to say….”But make sure to tune into Nick’s new reality show ‘Nick Drives Best’ premiering next month on Vh1!!!”

Here’s a few more pictures of these two mutant peroxide monsters leaving jail this morning with Nick’s lawyer. I didn’t know Ugly Betty practiced law as well!