Category: Punxsutawney Phil

The Groundhogs Had Different Predictions This Year

February 2, 2023 / Posted by:

Another year, another batch of Groundhog Day predictions! CNN reports that this year, legendary psychic woodchuck Punxatawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary, awoke from his winter slumber and predicted… (drumroll please) six more weeks of winter. BOOOOOO! ABC7 reports that Phil’s rival, Staten Island Chuck, disagreed. He didn’t see his shadow, which means spring will come early in 2023. OK, next year, these boys gotta get together beforehand to get their stories straight. They’re losing all their credibility!

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Groundhog Day Brings Mixed Predictions As Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Winter But Others Call For Early Spring

February 2, 2022 / Posted by:

As a species, humans have satellites that orbit the planet and beam down information to us, and yet every year in February, we ask a groundhog to tell us how much longer winter will last via his shadow. Yes, Punxsutawney Phil is predicting 6 more weeks of winter this Groundhog Day. But Phil isn’t the only ground squirrel on the block, and a variety of answers came in from the other weather-whispering rodents of North America.

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Open Post: Hosted By Punxsutawney Phil Joining A Long Line Of Shitty Weather Reporters

February 2, 2019 / Posted by:

It was so cold in the Midwest this week that people died. No snark here, people friggin’ froze to death. Tragic shit that normally happens during doomed mountain climbing expeditions happened at rando places like the University of Iowa this week. That’s some scary stuff. This is why it was even more annoying when the little fur turd known as Punxsutawney Phil climbed out of his hole in the ground and signaled that spring was coming early this year. Hey, Phil? FUCK YOU.

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Spring Is Coming Early (Or If You’re In Southern California, NO CHANGE!)

February 2, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s American legend Punxsutawney Phil making the same face I made the other day at Starbucks when the lady in front of me told her friend that she drinks so much Starbucks that her poops smell like coffee. If you told me you were going to Gobbler’s Knob to watch a grown man pull a hairy thing out of a hole, I’d tell you that I’ve never heard of that glory hole before and I’d grab my favorite knee pads while begging you to take me with you. Gobbler’s Knob sounds like a street name in Gold Base, but it’s actually Punxsutawney Phil’s homeland!

The NYDN says that thousands jammed themselves in Gobbler’s Knob early this morning to see if they can put their heating pad thong in storage early. Phil came out of his hole and didn’t see his shadow, which means that spring is coming early! But you know, I wouldn’t put my heating pad thong away just yet, because look at Phil’s face. Phil might be phucking with you. Never trust a side eye-throwing groundhog. Or maybe Phil is throwing a side eye, because he’s so over us weird ass humans and our weird ass traditions.

Happy Early Spring, everyone! And to those of us in Southern California, Florida and Hawaii, Happy Same As Always!

(Thanks, Sweetas)

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