It was so cold in the Midwest this week that people died. No snark here, people friggin’ froze to death. Tragic shit that normally happens during doomed mountain climbing expeditions happened at rando places like the University of Iowa this week. That’s some scary stuff. This is why it was even more annoying when the little fur turd known as Punxsutawney Phil climbed out of his hole in the ground and signaled that spring was coming early this year. Hey, Phil? FUCK YOU.
Here’s American legend Punxsutawney Phil making the same face I made the other day at Starbucks when the lady in front of me told her friend that she drinks so much Starbucks that her poops smell like coffee. If you told me you were going to Gobbler’s Knob to watch a grown man pull a hairy thing out of a hole, I’d tell you that I’ve never heard of that glory hole before and I’d grab my favorite knee pads while begging you to take me with you. Gobbler’s Knob sounds like a street name in Gold Base, but it’s actually Punxsutawney Phil’s homeland!
The NYDN says that thousands jammed themselves in Gobbler’s Knob early this morning to see if they can put their heating pad thong in storage early. Phil came out of his hole and didn’t see his shadow, which means that spring is coming early! But you know, I wouldn’t put my heating pad thong away just yet, because look at Phil’s face. Phil might be phucking with you. Never trust a side eye-throwing groundhog. Or maybe Phil is throwing a side eye, because he’s so over us weird ass humans and our weird ass traditions.
Happy Early Spring, everyone! And to those of us in Southern California, Florida and Hawaii, Happy Same As Always!