The Groundhogs Had Different Predictions This Year
Another year, another batch of Groundhog Day predictions! CNN reports that this year, legendary psychic woodchuck Punxatawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary, awoke from his winter slumber and predicted… (drumroll please) six more weeks of winter. BOOOOOO! ABC7 reports that Phil’s rival, Staten Island Chuck, disagreed. He didn’t see his shadow, which means spring will come early in 2023. OK, next year, these boys gotta get together beforehand to get their stories straight. They’re losing all their credibility!
Apparently, Chuck’s track record is far more impressive than Phil’s. Chuck, who makes his prediction out of the Staten Island Zoo, has an 80% success rate. Phil’s only got it right 40% of the time over the last ten years. Here are some news reports about Phil and Chuck’s predictions:
Other groundhogs predictions varied; CTV reports that Ontario’s Wiarton Willie called for an early spring (he’s my closest groundhog, so woohoo!). Nova Scotia’s Shubenacadie Sam called for more shitty weather. In the most disturbing prediction yet, Quebec’s Fred la Marmotte died overnight. What the hell? Of all the nights to kick the bucket, he picked Groundhog Day Eve? Without an heir on deck, Fred was replaced by a human child holding a stuffed groundhog. The child opted for six more weeks of winter:
The issue is, as much as I don’t want six more weeks of winter weather, and his success rate ain’t great, I’m still inclined to believe Punxsutawney Phil over any of these medium marmots. First of all, he’s the most famous. Second of all, look at that production value! A huge stage, top hats and suits, old-timey scrolls, and by far the biggest groundhog crowd. All Staten Island Chuck has is a doghouse and a piece of rolled-up bristol board. That being said, I’d rather be Chuck. He gets to hang out in his house for the entire ceremony, whereas poor Phil is manhandled and subjected to town crier-esque bellowing amplified by microphones. Mark my words! One of these Groundhog Days… Phil’s gonna snap. “Six more weeks of… I’m gonna gnaw your face off, Top Hat!”