Katie Wants Peter Back

Katie Price is making Harvey dizzy with all this back and forth shit. One minute she’s butt banging Peter Andre, and the next minute she’s sticking her tongue in Alex Reid’s tuck. AND NOW, she apparently wants Peter’s peen back in her orange arms again. Bitch needs to pick one gay and stick with him.

The Sun is saying that Katie must have gotten sentimental when she was washing her anal beads, because she called up Peter and begged him to let her be his main purse holder again. Katie reportedly said she was sowwy for being a bitch and told him that her relationship with Alex Reid/Roxy meant nothing. A source added, “She asked him straight out if there was any chance they could get back together and pleaded for a reunion. She was telling him she just couldn’t stop thinking of him and their life together. Katie told him she even dreamed of him at night but would wake up to realize he wasn’t there, and feel sad.”

The source also said that Peter wasn’t exactly pinching his nipples during the phone call, “The idea of a reunion is not something Pete would even consider. They are divorced and that’s it.”

When Katie and Peter quit each other, some whores were screaming in my ear that this was just a publicity stunt sponsored by OK! Magazine and they would get married again next year for maximum publicity exposure. I filed their claims under “crackhead conspiracies,” but it looks like their asses could be right. Katie and Peter could be taking famewhoring for checks to a whole new level.

Jon & Kate, take notes! Actually, I didn’t mean that. Burn your note pads, Jon & Kate. Burn them!

Peter Andre Doesn’t Need Sex When He Has Chocolate

Ever since Peter Andre and Katie Price separated, he has taken a vow of celibacy. My guess is that Peter just wants to let his genitals heal after being exposed to toxic levels of fake tanning grease.

Peter says that he doesn’t need his nalgas caressed by a gentle hand, because he has chocolate! Peter tells OK! Magazine (via The Sun), “I’ve replaced it, I’ve got my chocolate, which the fans keep on bringing me. I’m living on it!”

Does Peter really expect me to believe that a piece of raw sex like him isn’t getting his rocks off one way or another? Yeah, I know what Peter’s really doing with that chocolate. A little Rolo in his holo. Uh uh. Peter is bringing new meaning to the word “butterfinger.” And if you’re ever at Peter’s house, DO NOT eat the Cadbury Creme Eggs. That is not the kind of creme you want to lick on.

Fighting Over Harvey

Harvey Price’s biological father, Dwight Yorke, has slithered out of the gutter and is now ready to raise him as his own. If this doesn’t deserve a FUCK OFF stamp from Harvey, I don’t know what does.

Dwight, who jumped out of the picture shortly after Harvey was born 7 years ago, told the News of the World that he’s always wanted to spend some time with his son, but Katie Price and Peter always put up a stop sign. Now that Peter isn’t married to Katie, Dwight wants to be Harvey’s full-time father. Dwight said, “Over the years I’ve heard Katie saying how Andre is Harvey’s dad and what a terrible, uncaring father I’ve been, all of which sticks in my throat. Maybe if she hadn’t made life so difficult for me, I might have been able to take a far more proactive role.”

Dwight also said that when he found out Peter wanted to adopt Harvey, he was ready to choke the jizz out of him ( try not to touch yourself). Dwight said, “And then they had the gall to talk about Andre adopting him. I so, so wanted to grab him around the neck and throttle him for his insensitivity. So close. Having put up with everything his missus had thrown at me, I now had to listen to this idiot lecturing me on fatherhood? I don’t think so. The guy’s a muppet.”

When the Daily Mail asked Peter about Dwight’s comments, he took the dick out of his mouth and responded with, “I do not hate Dwight and I didn’t realize he felt that way about me. But I have been a real father of Harvey and he calls me Daddy. I guess that sticks in Dwight’s throat.”

What’s all this “sticks in my throat” shit?! Obviously, Peter and Dwight want to 69 each other.

I’m sure Harvey regularly kicks Peter in the face and wakes him up in the morning by stomping on his stomach, but he does it out of love. That’s because Peter is his father. After all, the orange ‘mo helped raise Harvey. So Dwight needs to fill out an application, take a number and get to the back of the line marked “Bitches Who Want To Spend Time with Harvey.” And the line is looooong.

Baby Abuse

This adorable Benjamin Button baby should reverse the trend of grown-ups slapping children by backhanding Peter Andre in the face. Baby won’t be arrested for it. In fact, the Queen would probably knight him. And you can tell by the look on baby’s face that he really wants to punch Peter in the face. Or maybe he just has gas. Peter tends to bring that out in a person.

Here’s more of Peter getting tan grease on a little baby while signing copies of his new CD in Essex, England the other day.

At Least We’ll Always Have This

Peter Andre and Katie Price’s marriage was put under the guillotine and quickly beheaded this morning at London’s High Court. The Mirror says that Peter or Katie were not present when a judge declared their officially marriage over. Peter and Katie listed “unreasonable behavior” as the reason for their divorce. Any whore who has seen more than two seconds of their reality show would co-sign that wholeheartedly!

I will admit that this brings the sads just a little bit. I mean, look at the picture above. There was a time when these two were the most elegant and delicate crystal flowers in England (sorry, Jodie Marsh). They were so classy that they made everyone want to masturbate with a pinky But then Katie decided she wanted to clean herself up and stop being such a skank.

That’s when I immediately jumped off, because I cannot condone a born and bred slut turning her back on her roots. After that, Katie & Peter just weren’t the same for me. But at least we’ll always have this stunning portrait of refinement. So, we should thank them for that!

Katie Price Talks About Her Miscarriage

In a TV interview with Piers Morgan, Katie Price says that she had a miscarriage just a few weeks before her marriage to Peter Andre ended.

Katie found out after she returned to England from America where she was shooting her reality show with Peter Andre and the kiddies. Katie says she was ten weeks pregnant when the doctors told her the fetus had no heart beat during a routine scan. After the doctor did some bloodwork, he thought there was a chance the baby was still alive, because the HGC levels were high. He called Katie in for another scan. She went on to say, “I went in thinking, ‘He’s going to be great, he’s going to see a heartbeat.'” But the doctor told her that her baby had passed away.

Six days later she was running in the London Marathon, “I’m running along… and I’m trying to keep myself together, not to cry. I just wanted to say to people, ‘Just leave me alone, I’ve just lost a baby.‘”

Katie said that the loss of their baby had nothing to do with their marriage going sour. She says it was Peter’s decision to quit their marriage, because he thought she was doing illegal sexy times with her horse-riding instructor Andrew. Katie denies that she ever rode her instructor. She also says she tried to make the marriage work, but Peter wasn’t willing to try, “It was all down to Pete, he wanted this, not me. He’s not as innocent as he’s been making out.”

When The Sun asked Peter Andre to comment on Katie’s interview, his ass was not happy that she told the entire world about her miscarriage. His rep said, “It was Peter’s child as well and Peter is devastated and deeply disappointed that Kate has chosen to speak out about this and their marriage. It is a private matter.”

Ouch. I kind of felt the chill. Queens can be so bitchy during times of sadness (don’t look at me like that). But I don’t know why Peter Andre is clutching his pearl necklace (you decide what kind) in shock that Katie is sharing their business with everyone. I mean, Katie has already shared with us that Peter’s peen is the color of butt butter, among other things.

I wonder what Harvey thinks about Peter leaving his mama je’e during such a sad time. I think he should express his feelings to the world in the form of an interpretive dance.