Please Take Note That Kaley Cuoco Is Not Effing Pregnant, Then Go Back To Sleep

November 11, 2013 / Posted by:

Maybe I’m sitting in a kiddie pool full of bitter bitch water this morning because it’s fucking snowing and I’m not prepared to shift from tolerable weather to slipping and humping my mailbox in front of my neighbors, but I have no patience for Kaley Cuoco’s latest attempt to make me give a damn about her life.

BlindGossip (via Celebuzz) had an item saying Kaley and her fiancé of nine whole seconds, Ryan Sweeting, will be the proud parents of the most adorable, totally not for PR baby next year.

Her friends are telling us that she is right around the twelve-week mark. She is not quite ready to announce, but will instead spend the next few weeks wearing loose-fitting clothing and hoping that you don’t notice (just like Kerry Washington). She will definitely announce before the end of the year.

Kaley turned around after slipping her friends some Starbucks gift cards for helping a bitch out and tweeted:

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 10.27.56 AM

That’s some serious indignation for someone who is four trips to the coffee shop, one more failed engagement and a glittery, bedazzled crotchal area away from Jennifer Love Hewitt status. Maybe people wouldn’t assume it’s possible you were EFFING pregnant (I’m shocked she didn’t spell it “pregnate”) if you didn’t seem like the type who will swing from dick to dick until one looks dumb enough to marry your knocked up ass after you spent 2 months poking holes in condoms every night when he was brushing his teeth. Ryan had better hope he goes the way of the Cavill before she gets pregnant, just to save the inevitable, epic meltdown Kaley looks like she’d have when she realizes in the hospital room that he didn’t take her countless hints that she was expecting a jewel-encrusted push present.

This gif sums up the quick engagement, fake wedding on Ellen, bitch your uterus looks fine to me whirlwind of PR bullshit pretty well…


(Photo: Wenn)

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