It is fucking anarchy over at the Miss America Pageant. Deadline is reporting that, after a bunch of states tried organizing a “revolt” against the leadership of the Miss America Organization, the organization has decided to terminate the licenses of four states and then threatened another 15 with probation! Probation?! Is this jail? Is this the court system? Buckle up for this high-octane drama.
As a Southerner, I can confirm every girl in my neighborhood grew up learning how to twirl a baton, tease their hair, and quote the Bible while strutting down a catwalk in a two-piece bathing suit all in the quest to one day be Miss America. Well, things have changed a lot since the Stone Age when I grew up, and, in the era of #MeToo and Gretchen Carlson taking over the leadership role at Miss America, that meant getting rid of the swimsuit competition within the pageant and focusing on “important” issues. Lucky for us, Miss Michigan Emily Sioma brought up the Flint water crisis that gave everyone a case of the “OH SNAP!” that was far more entertaining than any bikini.
Fox News is going to rue the day they ever fucked around with Gretchen Carlson because she’s now in charge of the talent pipeline that feeds into 80% of the channel’s payroll: the Miss America pageant, er, competition! Gretchen went on Good Morning America this morning to say it’s no longer a beauty pageant. Miss America is a competition to see who is smart and a great leader, and that means the whole Victoria’s Secret Lite swimsuit competition is scrapped in favor of a live session with the judges. But, but, but, Gretch! If you take away the swimsuit competition, how is your former employer supposed to know the cup size of its future political commentators?? Continue reading
Apologize and move on. That’s probably how now former CEO of the Miss America Organization Sam Haskell moved through the world his entire life. Forget a birthday: Sorry, baby, have some flowers I found in the dustbin at work. Knock an old lady down at the grocery store: Sorry lady, but you shouldn’t have been standing there! Get caught exchanging vile emails to your colleagues at your, according to Time, $500,000 a year job as CEO of Miss America: Sorry, you weren’t supposed to see that!
The people who run the Miss America pageant might have taken communication classes from the former owner of the Miss Universe pageant. Yesterday, The Huffington Post published notes from three years worth of emails sent between Miss America CEO Sam Haskell (you never can trust a Haskell). Many of the emails were rude and/or sexist.
One email chain in question dates back to 2014 between Sam and pageant writer Lewis Friedman. Sam informs Lewis that the title of “Forever Miss America” would be changed to “Former Miss America.” Lewis writes back that he changed “Forever” to “Cunts,” and asking “Does that work for you?“. If Sam wasn’t a gross piece of trash, he might have walked to Lewis’ office and told him to pack his shit and get out, but that didn’t happen. Sam allegedly responded by saying, “Perfect…bahahaha.”
“You stupid motherfuckers should be licking my ass the way that chick did in the pictures that got my crown snatched” – Vanessa Williams in that picture, probably.
As expected, last night, Vanessa Williams made her triumphant return to the pageant where a bunch of 20-year-olds are done up like rich middle-aged three-time divorcees who do real estate on the side for fun. 32 years after she was forced to give up her crown because ESCANDALOSO pictures of her nipples and cooch area ended up in Penthouse, Vanessa Williams went back to the Miss America pageant where she held court as head judge. My recycling bin is filled with empty bottles and my liver is hiding somewhere in my bedroom after finally escaping out of my body, so that means that yes, I watched the entire pageant last night.
Vanessa came out at the beginning of the show and sang “Oh How The Years Go By” while pictures of her as Miss America in 1983 and magazine covers about the SCANDAL showed on screens behind her. It was a weird start to a night of pure fuckery. After Vanessa’s performance, Sam Haskell, the CEO of Miss America, came out and even though he and the current execs weren’t part of the company back then, he officially apologized to her and her mother “for anything that was said or done” that made her feel any less than the Miss America she is and will always be. Vanessa used her amazing acting skills to say how “unexpected” the apology was. That was a load of sequins-covered bullshit, because TMZ said last week that the moment was planned and both sides were fighting over who should do the apologizing. Vanessa won out and here’s the apology, which sadly didn’t end with her getting her crown reinstated as all the execs kissed her bare ass.
As for who won Miss America this year, Miss Georgia won the crown even though she gave a WTF-infused stupid answer to an even stupider question. I wanted Miss Good Shit (aka Miss Colorado) to win, because she won me over by sparing us with singing and giving us a “monologue” about being a nurse instead, and by saying that Ellen DeGeneres should be on the $10 bill (????). But Miss Georgia became my second favorite when she threw death glares over that stupid Tom Brady question:
And yet that answer was still more coherent than anything Tom Brady said during that press conference about deflating the balls.