David Muir, the Disney prince who left the Magic Kingdom to run off to NYC to become a TV journalist, took over for Diane Sawyer as the anchor of ABC World News Tonight last year, and apparently, he just looks charming. Page Six says that inside, he’s all villain and is terrorizing the newsroom, because his rival, Lester Holt of NBC, is beating his ass in the ratings. So yeah, that picture of David throwing ten loads of sneaky smugness was taken as he made his way to NBC to give his old friend Lester a peace offering in the form of a Laxative Latte.
Page Six says that David Muir recently had two big interviews, the Pope and Hillary Clinton, and neither did as well as ABC had hoped. David’s interview with Hillary Clinton got beat hard by NBC Nightly News and his 20/20 special with the Pope basically tied with a repeat of Dateline NBC. A source says that when David got back from interviewing the Pope in Rome, he unleashed a douche tornado on his co-workers and now they call him “Anchor Monster.”
“Despite the biggest ‘get’ in the world — the pope — David is still losing to Lester. David feels under pressure and returned to New York from Rome cranky and has been lashing out at the staff. He screams at the crew unless [ABC News President] James Goldston is around. On an open mike he was heard complaining he wanted less of the reporters’ voices and more of his own during the pope town hall. He’s becoming known as ‘Anchor Monster.’”
A rep for ABC News denied this shit.
If there’s an ounce of truth to this, it’s really not nice of Dreamboat David to take it out on the crew. David, who is reportedly a resident of the glass closet, should take out his frustrations by yelling at me. I can take it. But if David’s going to yell at me, he needs to take off his clothes, because I don’t want him to get all overheated, pass out and hit his head on the floor. David may pass out anyway, so after he takes off his clothes, he should lay down on me to be safe. Then he can yell all he wants. Scream at me, take it out on me, Anchor Monster!
Someone go tell Kenneth Parcell to grab a trash bag and clear the shit off Brian Williams’ desk (ie. the framed picture of the time he met George Washington and Jesus, the medal of courage he gave himself for saving Private Ryan). Earlier today, NBC confirmed what we’ve all pretty much known for a while. Lying enthusiast Brian Willliams won’t be returning to NBC Nightly News and his replacement is Lester Holt.
“Lester has done outstanding work for NBC News over the last ten years, and he’s performed remarkably well over the last few months under very tough circumstances. He’s an exceptional anchor who goes straight to the heart of every story and is always able to find its most direct connection to the everyday lives of our audience. In many ways, television news stands at a crossroads, and Lester is the perfect person to meet the moment.”
“He’s also perfect because he promised he wouldn’t start making shit up” is what NBC went on to say.
So Lester Holt officially has Brian Williams’ job. No word on whether or not he also got Brian’s huge NBC Nightly News salary too. But if you happen to see him zipping around in a solid-gold Phantom with his head out of the window screaming “I’m rich, bitch!“, then that’s probably a yes. Brian Williams, on the other hand, will be on MSNBC from now on. Starting mid-August, BriWi will cover breaking news and special reports. He also released his own statement about leaving NBC Nightly News, and surprisingly, it wasn’t a verbatim copy of Scarface’s “Fuck You” quitting scene from Half Baked.
“I’m sorry. I said things that weren’t true. I let down my NBC colleagues and our viewers, and I’m determined to earn back their trust. I will greatly miss working with the team on Nightly News, but I know the broadcast will be in excellent hands with Lester Holt as anchor. I will support him 100% as he has always supported me. I am grateful for the chance to return to covering the news. My new role will allow me to focus on important issues and events in our country and around the world, and I look forward to it.”
Brian Williams will also fill in as anchor for NBC News live special reports if Lester Holt isn’t available. Why did I just get the mental image of Brian Williams setting up a bunch of elaborate Home Alone-style booby traps along Lester’s route to work while his daughter Allison Williams gives commands over a walkie-talkie. “Daddy, hurry up! We need him gone and you back in charge by the time NBC starts casting for The Wiz Live!“
And now in “Get money” news, which is truly my favorite kind of news, sexy news anchor Lester Holt (don’t judge me) might be inheriting more than just Brian Williams’ custom-made Comfort-A-Bulge™ seat at the NBC Nightly News desk. Page Six says that if/when Lester Holt takes over for Brian Williams, he’s going to try to convince NBC to also give him BriWi’s $10 million a year salary. $10 million!!!
According to a source, NBC doesn’t really have a back-up plan if Lester Holt chooses not to take over for Brian Williams after his six-month suspension is up. Lester apparently knows this too, so he and his agents are trying to squeeze as much cash out of NBC as possible. Lester is currently making about $4 million to read the news, and he’s arguing that if NBC pays him half of what they paid Brian Williams, it sends a message to the newsroom that he’s half the anchor Brian was.
That same source says that NBC is considering giving Lester what Brian made before he signed that $10 million a year deal instead. But since Lester has NBC “by the balls” (I think that source might be my Uncle Lou), there’s a good chance they’ll give in and Lester will be richer, bitch.
Page Six recently said that NBC might keep Brian Williams around after they let him go from the Nightly News, which means there’s a chance NBC will still be cutting him a giant check every month on top of the one they’re cutting Lester. Damn, that’s a lot of money. I expect to see the NBC peacock going by the name “Cockee” and offering something called a “outcalls-only feather job” in an ad in the back pages of a free weekly newspaper.