As Expected, Lester Holt Has Been Named Anchor Of NBC Nightly News

June 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Someone go tell Kenneth Parcell to grab a trash bag and clear the shit off Brian Williams’ desk (ie. the framed picture of the time he met George Washington and Jesus, the medal of courage he gave himself for saving Private Ryan). Earlier today, NBC confirmed what we’ve all pretty much known for a while. Lying enthusiast Brian Willliams won’t be returning to NBC Nightly News and his replacement is Lester Holt.

“Lester has done outstanding work for NBC News over the last ten years, and he’s performed remarkably well over the last few months under very tough circumstances. He’s an exceptional anchor who goes straight to the heart of every story and is always able to find its most direct connection to the everyday lives of our audience.  In many ways, television news stands at a crossroads, and Lester is the perfect person to meet the moment.”

He’s also perfect because he promised he wouldn’t start making shit up” is what NBC went on to say.

So Lester Holt officially has Brian Williams’ job. No word on whether or not he also got Brian’s huge NBC Nightly News salary too. But if you happen to see him zipping around in a solid-gold Phantom with his head out of the window screaming “I’m rich, bitch!“, then that’s probably a yes. Brian Williams, on the other hand, will be on MSNBC from now on. Starting mid-August, BriWi will cover breaking news and special reports. He also released his own statement about leaving NBC Nightly News, and surprisingly, it wasn’t a verbatim copy of Scarface’s “Fuck You” quitting scene from Half Baked.

“I’m sorry. I said things that weren’t true. I let down my NBC colleagues and our viewers, and I’m determined to earn back their trust. I will greatly miss working with the team on Nightly News, but I know the broadcast will be in excellent hands with Lester Holt as anchor. I will support him 100% as he has always supported me. I am grateful for the chance to return to covering the news. My new role will allow me to focus on important issues and events in our country and around the world, and I look forward to it.”

Brian Williams will also fill in as anchor for NBC News live special reports if Lester Holt isn’t available. Why did I just get the mental image of Brian Williams setting up a bunch of elaborate Home Alone-style booby traps along Lester’s route to work while his daughter Allison Williams gives commands over a walkie-talkie. “Daddy, hurry up! We need him gone and you back in charge by the time NBC starts casting for The Wiz Live!

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