When Simon Cowell busted a bareback fur-filled nut (don’t tell me he doesn’t jizz out fluffy chest hairs) into his best friend’s girl back in August, I slow-clapped for what was the trifecta of shame-filled baby making: home wrecking, obvious gold digging, and humping on Simon Cowell (I know there are sluts that WOULD, but there’s something sinister about the way he parts his hair down the middle that makes my down-low parts clamp shut). But I think we could all agree, the whoops-a-baby Simon Cowell put into Lauren Silverman was probably going to be a one-time deal.
However, Lauren Silverman seems to think that her and Simon are 2014’s version of the Heart Family, because she told the Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that they’re planning on having more children, and that Simon really wants a girl. She also went on to say that Simon is an “amazing dad, very hands-on” with three-month-old baby Eric.
Is today Foolish Gold-Digger Day at Dlisted or what? Someone needs to remind Lauren that if you say your gold digging wish out loud it won’t come true, and that by flapping her gums to a newspaper she just jinxed herself out of a second paycheck baby. Everyone knows you’re supposed to act like you don’t want another baby; that way it makes the shocked reaction you practiced a tiny bit more believable when the little blue dollar-sign appears in the window of your Opportunist’s Choice™ pregnancy test. Meanwhile, Simon’s probably already gotten a double vasectomy to make sure he doesn’t accidentally pop another paycheck into Lauren and lose any more of his beloved money.
Here’s Simon and Lauren at an event in London Thursday night. I know it’s written into Simon’s life contract that he always has to flaunt his hair-filled cleavage crack, but looking like the assistant salsa dance instructor on a senior’s cruise ship is not the way to do it.
Can’t you tell?
Because Simon Cowell shot a stream of his bitchy jizz fishes straight up into the ovaries of the soon-to-be ex-wife of his friend, she got knocked up and now he’s going to be picking baby barf bits out of his chest hairs in a few months. Even when everyone was calling his ass a home wrecker, Simon didn’t really say anything about his relationship with Lauren Silverman or about being somebody’s father. But at the London premiere of that One Direction movie tonight, Simon sort of talked about it in a “I don’t really want to talk about this shit, but I guess I’ll spit out some canned crap” sort of way. Simon said this to the BBC about breastfeeding someone other than Ryan Seacrest:
“I’m proud to be a dad. It’s something I hadn’t thought of before, but now I know I feel good about it. Things are changing in my life right now, for the better. [Lauren’s] a very special girl.”
And he told UsWeekly that he’s “happy and excited.”
I think what he really meant to say is: “I’m proud to be helping the nanny industry out for the next 18 years. I didn’t know that there was an ovary egg out there that would actually want to swallow up my sperm. Now I know to sprinkle crushed birth control pills in my piece-of-the-moment’s wine every single night. Things aren’t really changing in my life, because it’s not like I’m going to take care of the kid! That’s what Auntie Paula is for. And wait, who’s Lauren again?”
The Daily Mail says that six weeks ago, Simon Cowell pulled his pork-stuffed chest dumplings away from Lauren Silverman’s face for the last time and dumped her married ass. But then a quick minute later, Lauren let out a victorious gold digger cackle when she told Simon that she’s knocked up with a blank check signed by him. Simon: ZERO points. Gold Diggers: ALL THE POINTS!
Earlier in the week, different sources said that Lauren told Simon that she was taking birth control and “tricked” him into getting her pregnant. Lauren supposedly told Simon that he will never see the baby unless he marries her ass. But now the Daily Mail says that Simon isn’t going to make room for Lauren’s shit in his V-neck closet anytime soon. Simon is going to help out Lauren while the fetus they made together grows in her womb, but he’s confused by the whole thing. The source said:
“Simon feels like he’s been done up like a kipper in all of this. He and Lauren split up six weeks ago but the next thing we know he gets a phone call from her saying, ‘Guess what?’ Since then he has been feeling very confused about everything.”
Lauren’s mom ran her mouth over to The Sun and told them that her daughter didn’t get a gold digging degree from HMU (Heather Mills University) and that Simon needs to make things right by marrying Lauren. (Yes, Lauren’s mom is a time traveler from 1923.) Another source (ALL THESE SOURCES!) tells TMZ that Simon is trying to make it work with Lauren and is going to make sure that his baby wears the finest v-neck onesies.
I don’t know why Simon’s skank ass is so shocked and feels tricked. When you bareback bone your friend’s wife, it can end one of three ways:
1. Your ass gets shot.
2. You end up writing a child support check for 18 years.
3. You end up with the Herp.
So Simon should look on the bright side. Instead of ending up dead or with a lifetime of flare-ups, he’s getting years and years of a little brat throwing up on him, shitting on him, slobbering on him and constantly whining for more, more, more, more, more. You know, since I put it that way, Simon probably wishes he got the Herp instead. I would too.
Simon Cowell left a taping of The X-Factor in L.A. yesterday (crystal clear pictures below) and no words came out of his trap when the paparazzi asked him if he’s been fitted for his custom-made nipple shield since in a few months he’ll be breastfeeding his newborn. (Note to everyone: If you want to shut Simon up, ask him about being a daddy.) Simon hasn’t said anything about making a baby with his best friend’s wife Lauren Silverman (seen above with Fur Tits in 2012), but he doesn’t really have to since the divorce papers Lauren’s husband filed says it all.
The New York Post says that Andrew Silverman filed for divorce in NYC two weeks ago and in the papers, he claims that his marriage died because his wife passed her poon to that slut Simon Cowell. Andrew names Simon’s ass in the divorce papers and is out for RE-VEEEENGE (insert EmilyThornesGettingEvenFace.jpg here). If Andrew and Lauren’s divorce goes to trial, Simon could be called in to testify and spill all the escandaloso details about his affair with his best friend’s wife. Andrew wants sole custody of their 7-year-old son.
A source also tells The Post that Lauren and Andrew weren’t “estranged” and he recently upgraded her engagement ring. Lauren and Andrew were living together in their Upper East Side apartment and she barely moved out in June. Andrew claims he has no idea that the rug burns on her coochie were from rubbing on Simon’s furry dick.
Another source says that Lauren is nothing but a gold digging hussy whore (aka my new hero) and she got with Simon because he’s a million times richer than her so-so rich husband. The source also says that Lauren got knocked up on purpose and can’t wait to shoot out a stack of gold bars in a few months. A source tells The NYDN that Simon thought Lauren was using birth control and feels like she tricked him into a lifetime (or 18 years) of writing child support checks.
The story really does have everything. It has a shameless gold digger, an even more shameless home wrecker, a scorned husband who’s out for man titty blood and a pair of extra succulent hairy chest dumplings. What more could you want?
And Simon is as dumb as a popped nipple pimple if he really fell for the old “I is on birth control” trick. Congratulations to gold diggers for another victory! And condolences to Simon’s future baby since it’ll be forced to wear V-neck onesies and will strain its little brain while trying to answer the question so many of us have tried to answer: What is happening with Simon’s hair part?