Simon Cowell Is Really Excited About Being Somebody’s Father

August 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Can’t you tell?

Because Simon Cowell shot a stream of his bitchy jizz fishes straight up into the ovaries of the soon-to-be ex-wife of his friend, she got knocked up and now he’s going to be picking baby barf bits out of his chest hairs in a few months. Even when everyone was calling his ass a home wrecker, Simon didn’t really say anything about his relationship with Lauren Silverman or about being somebody’s father. But at the London premiere of that One Direction movie tonight, Simon sort of talked about it in a “I don’t really want to talk about this shit, but I guess I’ll spit out some canned crap” sort of way. Simon said this to the BBC about breastfeeding someone other than Ryan Seacrest:

“I’m proud to be a dad. It’s something I hadn’t thought of before, but now I know I feel good about it. Things are changing in my life right now, for the better. [Lauren’s] a very special girl.”

And he told UsWeekly that he’s “happy and excited.

I think what he really meant to say is: “I’m proud to be helping the nanny industry out for the next 18 years. I didn’t know that there was an ovary egg out there that would actually want to swallow up my sperm. Now I know to sprinkle crushed birth control pills in my piece-of-the-moment’s wine every single night. Things aren’t really changing in my life, because it’s not like I’m going to take care of the kid! That’s what Auntie Paula is for. And wait, who’s Lauren again?”

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