Category: Larry King
Shawn King May Have Done Her Sugar Lizard Wrong Again!
Since we’re on the subject of dumb gold digging moves…
The love between award-winning gold digger Shawn King and Methuselah’s godfather Larry King almost ended 6 years ago when he shoved his hemipenis into her sister’s punane and she allegedly passed her wandering chocha to a Jersey Shore reject. But a month later, Shawn must have realized that nothing gives her the clit tingles like Larry busting a load of wet moth balls on her chichis and he must have decided that he really doesn’t want to tussle over his $144 million fortune in divorce court. Because they called off their divorce and all seemed well….until now.
Page Six, The National Enquirer, People and Radar claim that 56-year-old Shawn has been stepping out on 82-year-old Larry with a world-renowned speech therapist. You in danger, speech therapist! That speech therapist isn’t going to be able to speak when Larry slithers into his bed one night and gums his tongue off.
Larry King Doesn’t Know How Bi-Sexuality Works, Anna Paquin Schools Him On It
Larry King is older than sand and he was Spartacus‘ au pair, so you think that because he lived during the Roman Empire he’d be an expert on bisexuality, but the no-neck lizard has no idea how bisexuality works. Magnets, how do they work? Bisexuality, how does it work? While talking to Anna Paquin on his show Larry King Now, Larry asked her if she considers herself a non-practicing bi-sexual (Unimportant side note: One of my friends in high school had the thickest ass Chinese accent and she’d pronounce bi-sexual as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull”, so now I say it as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull,” because it just feels better on my tongue) since she’s married to a dude. Larry seems to think that as soon as Anna married Beeeeeeehl, her craving to puss and her attraction to ladies went dormant. Anna and Beeeehl sent her bi-sexuality to a farm where it runs around and plays with the former bi-sexualities of others and they keep meaning to visit it on the weekends, but they just haven’t found the time. Anna let Larry King know that just because she’s married to a guy and is staying true to him doesn’t mean her nipples don’t get hard for ladies anymore. Educate that lizard, Soookeh! via The Advocate
Larry: “Are you a non-practicing bisexual?”
Sookeh: “Well, I am married to my husband and we are happily monogamously married.”
Larry: “But you were bisexual?”
Sookeh: “Well, I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing.”
Larry: “No?”
Sookeh: “No. Are you still straight if you are with somebody — if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn’t prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn’t really work like that.”
Awkward IS Sookeh teaching Larry King about bi-sexuality. I watched the clip (at the 11:02 mark) and I still don’t know if Larry King got it. Sookeh should’ve broken it down in a way that Larry King understood. Sookeh should’ve told him that as a lizard, he probably really loves crickets and mango slices. He loves mango slices as much as he loves crickets. His tongue gets a boner for both of them. Let’s say that one day, Larry’s caretaker only gave him crickets and from that day on, he only got crickets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, Larry would be perfectly happy, because he loves crickets, but that doesn’t mean he’d stop thinking about or stop craving mango slices. Sookeh should’ve put it like that. On second thought, that’s a bad idea, because that would’ve given Larry the hungries and then his lizard tongue would’ve shot out of his mouth and searched her teef for any food bits.
But seriously, bless Sookeh for educating the pepaws on one’s love of peen and poon. She should continue to do good things for the world by making sure that Sookeh and Beeehl die slow, painful deaths on the finale of True Blood, because they’ve been so goddamn annoying and the audience needs some satisfaction.
Here’s Sookeh still working that Mermista hair while leaving a spa in West Hollywood the other day and leaving LAX with her husband and one of her twins a couple of weeks ago.
Sharpen My Shank
Anderson Cooper is as pure as a newly sprouted feather on a baby angel’s wings and as innocent as the first blink from a newborn kitten, so who would ever want to make fun of him? An evil bitch who makes fun of Mah Boo is the same kind of evil bitch who laughs at children when they fall on the streets. Wait. I do that. But this isn’t about me! This is about the the lizard king of the suspender pile they call Larry King. If Larry King had any internal organs, they’d belong to Satan now for what he did to The Silver Fox at Donald Trump’s roast the other night. Larry called Mah Boo “Mah Boonita”, basically. Popeater was there:
The quip that had the audience shocked was when CNN icon Larry King made fun of his former co-worker Anderson Cooper’s sexuality.
Pretending he was still hosting his now-defunct talk show, King took calls from viewers throughout the country and then tossed to Anderson, whose ‘360’ followed his ‘Live’ show every night for years.
“Anderson Cooper is coming up next. Let’s see what SHE’S up to,” Larry said to the packed house.
A FUCKING SHE! I’ll have Larry know that Mah Boo is ALL adonis and has a perfect penis sculpted from silver by Michelangelo himself (my wet dreams don’t lie). I swear, this motherfucker Larry. A regular shank won’t work on his demon ass. I’ll have to blindfold myself and tiptoe into his lair with a blessed sword and a satchel full of unwrappable Werther’s Originals. Hold my bag.
….And Then He Disappeared In A Cloud Of Black Smoke
After hundreds of years, a dozen on-air silent farts, a million awkward pauses and even more name slip-ups, the real-life Team America puppet that is Larry King closed the tattered red velvet curtain on his CNN show for the final time before slithering into the caves to devote all his time to ruling over the Sleestaks. Even though CNN gently scooped up the Lizard King into a dustpan and released him into the backyard to frolic freely in the greenery, he said that he will come back to host a special every now and again. Gawker TV has put together the greatest moments from Larry’s final bow, but my favorite is the one above where one his kids busts out an impersonation of him.
Sean Astin should thank his EVERYTHING that this kid was not around in the 1980s, because dude would’ve snatched away his starring role in Goonies. Seriously, these kids would’ve nailed every single audition with John Hughes and then some. They look like two child stars circa 1984 down to the way they’re dressed. I see a Stand By Me remake in their near future.
Farewell, Larry! Now you can openly shuffle around all day long with only a pair of suspenders and a banana hammock (with a built-in Werther’s Originals pouch) on without some dumb interns with weak stomachs running in fear for the nearest church. None of that anymore!
And here’s who came out last night to toast to Larry: Leeza Gibbons, Natalie Cole, Jane Seymour, Jane Fonda with Richard Perry, Krissy Snow, MARY HART, Debi Mazar, and Wendy Williams.
Larry King Is Over This Shit
Larry King Live first premiered via hieroglyphics on a cave wall a million years ago, so it’s been a long time coming for Larry to hang up his suspenders and let his pants fall to the ground so that he can slither back to his tomb in his thong diapers. Larry has announced that his show on CNN will end this fall after 25 years.
Larry says he wants to spend more time with his family. Basically, he means he wants to spend his days humping on the leg of his wife’s sister in between chewing on the decomposing skin of the dead. Here’s Larry’s full statement:
Before I start the show tonight, I want to share some personal news with you. 25 years ago, I sat across this table from New York Governor Mario Cuomo for the first broadcast of Larry King Live.
Now, decades later, I talked to the guys here at CNN and I told them I would like to end Larry King Live, the nightly show, this fall and CNN has graciously accepted, giving me more time for my wife and I to get to the kids’ little league games.
I’ll still be a part of the CNN family, hosting several Larry King specials on major national and international subjects.
I’m incredibly proud that we recently made the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest running show with the same host in the same time slot. With this chapter closing I’m looking forward to the future and what my next chapter will bring, but for now it’s time to hang up my nightly suspenders.
Larry will still host specials and shit for CNN. CNN has yet to officially name his replacement, but both Gaycrest and Piers Morgan are rumored to be in the running for his spot.
Eff Gaycrest and Piers. Without Larry around, who’s going to fuck up the names of guests and bumble around for questions? HOLD the catheter. There’s only one old bitch who has what it takes to replace Larry:
QUICK! Somebody wake Andy Rooney up from his 12th nap of the day by tugging at his overgrown eye shrubs! Andy’s got a new show to do..doo!
Shawn King Is In The Hospital After An Apparent Overdose
Larry King’s rep confirms that his wife Shawn King overdosed on pills last month in Utah and is now recovering. On May 28th in Provo, Utah, Shawn’s father called 911 after he found her in a bad way on her bed. Shawn’s father told the 911 operator that he suspected she took too many anti-anxiety pills.
The Associated Press says that a police report shows that officers found a bunch of empty pill bottles in Shawn’s bedroom. They also found a handwritten note from Shawn where she said that she took the pills on purpose and wanted to be buried in Utah. Shawn’s father told the officers that he doesn’t think Shawn was trying to take her own life.
Larry and Shawn have been going through some shit for the past few months. They both filed for divorce in April, but quickly took it back. There’s also rumors that Larry is boning Shawn’s sister on the down low.
Larry issued this statement through his rep: “Our marriage is still together, and I am staying very close to our children, who we love immensely. We shall go through this difficult time intact as a family.”
Wait. This happened in Provo, Utah? Does Shannon Price have an alibi?