Zombie Love Always Prevails

After Shawn Southwick tried to bust a nut by fucking on random dead bodies in the county morgue, she realized that no corpse can do her like Larry King can, so she immediately stopped divorce proceedings.

Larry King and Shawn announced that they are back together again and trying to make it work. This is good news for them, but bad news for those of you freaks out there who were hoping to take a ride on the same skeleton that once titty banged Nefertiti back in the day.

Shawn and Larry had this to say about their reconciliation:

“We love our children, we love each other, we love being a family. That is all that matters to us. We owe it to ourselves and our children to continue being dedicated to each other. We want to thank our friends for their loyal love and support – for being there for us.”

Larry King might have been dropped dick dust all over the ass cheeks of Shawn’s sister, and Shawn might have boned her kids’ little league coach, but at the end of the day these two know that they really belong together. Who else is going to give Larry’s ass lips a little pinch while applying Desitin? And who else can catch a fly with his tongue when one lands on Shawn’s arms?

via People

Not Today. Not Ever.

Obviously, you know I love hearing about all that dirty filthy gossip shit, but even some things should be saved for the psychiatrist’s sofa in HELL. Case in point: Radar (via Page Six) says that Larry King is basically a swinger. Nurse, just stick the IV drip directly into our brains.

One of Larry King’s many ex-wives says that he doesn’t care that his wife Shawn Southwick is screwing other men, because he’s getting it on with other women. Like her own sister.

Larry’s ex Julia Alexander King said, “Larry told me they both knew that each of them had others in their lives. I never asked him and he never told me who his ‘other’ was, but he knew Shawn was having an affair with the baseball coach. She practically flaunted it. He is a wonderful man in every area of his life except marriage. He just doesn’t have a moral compass when it comes to women.”

Julia never said that Larry King goes to swingers parties, but she still planted that nightmarish image into my head. Just imagine Larry slithering around on a bed of naked women like a hungry Chuckwalla. When Larry’s beady eyes spot a clitoris, his tongue jumps out like a lizard catching a fly. Just…..no.

Shawn Southwick’s Whore Speaks

With the likes of Bombshit McGross and Jamie Juggalooorwhatever getting most of the attention on the mistress circuit, we’ve been in dire need of a side-piece with peen, and now we have one! Although, I’m not sure if this is exactly what we ordered, because bitch looks like a Tool Academy reject who didn’t even make it past admissions. We’ll take it, for now.

Hector Penate (that’s “Peenate” to all of us), a little league coach, has ran off to InTouch Weekly to collect a check for the details of his alleged affair with Larry King’s wife Shawn Southwick.

The two met while Hector coached Larry and Shawn’s young sons in New Hampshire. Peenate said that during his year-long fuck party with Shawn, she bought him a BMW and paid his rent. Cut to Peenate: “We had sex in Larry’s bed — a lot. I felt like it was my house. She paid my rent, she bought me clothes and a BMW 7 Series. She wanted to have a little girl with me. She was trying to fertilize her eggs to do that.”

According to Peenate, Larry even knew about the affair but didn’t give a dead squirrel’s ass, because he was too busy sharing his love with Shawn’s sister Shannon. Larry even co-signed on Peenate’s apartment in Studio City after Shawn asked him too. Peenate went on to say, “She controlled him. He just sat there and signed it. (pause) He’s a sex freak.”

So basically Peenate is trying to tell us that Shawn and Larry had an open marriage of sorts. Thank you for that vital piece of world history, Peenate. And thank you for calling Larry a “sex freak,‘ because now I can’t get the image of him humping on anything that can’t run away. Looks like an elderly Chinese Crested dog slobbering at both holes. Thanks, Peenate,

And I change my mind about keeping Peenate for now. I’m returning his ass thanks to this tattoo of a Benedictine Monk lyric. Chant your ass away!

Image via Pacific Coast News