Detective La Toya Knows Too Much

Detective La Toya has learned the hard way that getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING can be dangerous! The road to the truth is a deadly one, and friends of Detective La Toya says that she knows this now. Apparently, Det. La Toya thinks the same evil doers who “killed“ Michael Jackson are coming for her. Agatha Christie, get your pen out!

One source told the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “La Toya is convinced someone paid Michael’s personal physician, Conrad Murray, to kill him because they stood to gain up to $1 billion from his death. La Toya has been telling pals she can name the mysterious people Michael’s doctor was working with when Michael died. She is convinced they killed her brother and wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to kill her as well. She says too many people have got too much to lose if the truth gets out. She fears for her life. She says her information is explosive and that Dr Murray did not act alone in Michael’s death. She’s extra cautious now of the people she talks to and the places she goes. She only goes to crowded restaurants and refuses to go the supermarket when it’s dark outside.”

Just to be safe, Detective La Toya should wrap a white blanket around her every time she goes outside. And she should only travel in the basket on Henry Thomas’ bike!

But seriously, Detective La Toya’s instincts are always right on, so she better learn some ninja moves and keep a pistol under her deerstalker cap at all times.

(Thanks Brian)

La Toya Phone Home

Detective La Toya Jackson is spreading her knowledge of mystery-solving over in England! La Toya is also there, because she’s always wanted to walk the same streets as her personal hero and mentor (in her head) Sherlock Holmes. True story. And while Det. La Toya was walking the charming streets, she probably wondered why the children were throwing Reese’s Pieces at her. This should explain it:

And that’s a compliment if you think about it, because E.T. in drag was pretty much thee glamorous moment of 1982.

But seriously, I really hope La Toya is over in the UK, because she’s working on making my one dream in life come true (I might be exaggerating for dramatic purposes).

Dreams Do Come True: Samantha Fox & Det. La Toya In A Reality Show Together

The producers of the UK’s I’m A Celebrity….Get Me Out Of Here must have hacked into my brain area when it came time to cast this shit. By the way, it’s not hard to hack into since the password is “1234” (just like LiLo!).

Britain’s Daily Star (via IOL) says the producers are trying to round up Detective La Toya Jackson and Samantha Fox for the cast. Yes, two of the most talented and influential female stars of music (I’m not being sarcastic) sharing the screen together! This will be the greatest pairing since weed and Yo Gabba Gabba!

I mean, can you imagine them doing a jungle acoustic duet of a mash-up of Naughty Girls (Need Love To) and Bad Girl? SOUL EXPLOSION!

And since Toy Fox needs a live audience to witness their high levels of glamour, sources say Mitch Wino (Amy’s famewhoring daddy), Tito Jackson, Brian McFadden, Brian Blessed and Nicola T are also in talks to join the cast.

The Detective La Toya Shake!

Detective La Toya’s constant search for the truth led her to Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles yesterday. Det. La Toya got to the bottom of everything by making a milkshake that will force Michael Jackson’s murderers to confess to their crime. La Toya’s special brew was made with truth serum, revenge, justice, burned cartilage, Papa Joe’s morning eye snot and one single tear from La Toya (the secret ingredient).

Okay, her milkshake was really made with raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, vanilla ice cream, Skittles, caramel, whipped cream, mixed nuts and chocolate. Detective La Toya should probably focus on tracking down her taste buds, because it sounds like they’re missing. That milkshake will help your vomit get to the bottom of the toilet.

And no, La Toya is not shaking it for attention (cough), because “most” of the proceeds from the sale of her milkshake will go to AIDS Project LA.

Detective La Toya Knows The Truth!

On 20/20 last night, Detective La Toya once again declared that her brother was murdered by those around him! Michael’s death has already been ruled a homicide and the LAPD is building a case against Dr. Con, but La Toya knows in her nostrils (if you squint you can see them) that it was MURDER!

When Barbara Walters asked Det. La Toya who murdered Michael, she said she didn’t know for sure. Oh, La Toya knows! If you hang on to one of the tarantula penises hanging off of her eyelid and look directly into her magnifying glass eyes, you will see that she knows the truth. Det. La Toya will host a dinner party at a mansion on a hill where she will announce it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick!

Detective La Toya Joins The Foreclosure Club

Detective La Toya Jackson has been too busy getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING that she hasn’t had the time to pay her bills! Because of that, La Toya’s Las Vegas condo is in default and will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports that La Toya bought the condo in 1996 for $260,000, but thanks to several liens placed on the joint over the years, she owes the bank nearly $750,000.

Late last month, La Toya was seen quickly moving her belongings out of the apartment in the dead of night and into a Datsun pick-up truck parked outside. Okay, I made up that “dead of night” and Datsun part, but I can totally picture her pulling that crap to evade the creditors!

Since La Toya can now add a foreclosure to her glittery resume, she obviously needs to join the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta! Detective La Toya is the only bitch who get to the bottom of what’s living (and dying) on Kim’s head! Seriously, that wig is probably made of several extinct animals and La Toya will find out the truth!

And that picture above is punching me in the soul. An Ed Hardy cap, La Toya?! Does Ed Hardy make deerstalker hats at least? Come on, La Toya!

(Thanks Carl)