Elementary, My Dear Watson

Every brilliant detective needs a partner in crime-solving to polish their magnifying glass (with their tongue), interview suspects (by dry humping their leg) and patiently listen to all of their theories (while waiting for a piece of puppy jerky). And Detective La Toya is no exception!

Here’s La Toya and her protege Watson (who kind of looks like her) pursuing JUSTICE and THE TRUTH while buying things in Beverly Hills yesterday. With these two on the trail, all evil doers should be shaking in fear. La Toya and Watson will git ’em!

Even Serious Detectives Dress Up For Halloween

Detective La Toya spent her Halloween night bestowing her crime-solving glamour upon all her fans (don’t laugh) at the famewhore headquarters known as Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles. Since Detective La Toya’s mind is always on getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING, she dressed up as the disco torch she uses to search the cobblestone streets for clues. And you don’t need a magnifying glass (or a P.I. license) to see La Toya’s built-in camel toe.

Waiting For La Toya

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin’ out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman’s (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would’ve never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I’m sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn’t there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I’m looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

Det. La Toya Is The Sylvia Browne Of The Jackson Family

La Toya Jackson is proving that she’s the most gifted person on this planet. Not only is she a crime-solving genius and the entertainer of all entertainers (next to MJ and Rebbie, of course), but she’s also a ghost whisperer. In an interview with The Mirror, La Toya confessed that is Michael is speaking to her from beyond the grave. I always knew La Toya’s wig was the portal to the afterworld.

La Toya said, “When I go to his house I say, ‘Hello, Michael. How are you? If you’re here, please, please let me know’. And the lights start blinking. I can feel him. I can smell his Tom Ford cologne and I’ve felt him brush past me. It’s the most wonderful feeling and the biggest smile comes over my face. I tell him I love him so much and ask him to show me he’s here again. The lights blink again. I know he’s there, answering me and knowing he’s watching me is a huge comfort. I never believed that people could speak, hear and communicate in that sense. But I’ve witnessed it several times now and I want to investigate it further. I am certainly open-minded to speaking to a medium. No other members of the family have experienced it. Just me.”

The flickering lights weren’t coming from Michael’s house, they were coming from La Toya’s head. You know, because her thoughts are so powerful that it causes her brain to blow a fuse every now and again.

La Toya also added that her brother is helping with the investigation into his death, “I ask Michael to help me understand what took place. I’ve told him to find a way to let me know. A person’s name will pop into my head out of the blue, I’ll call them, they give me information and I’ll find the connection I’ve been looking for. It’s amazing.”

La Toya just watched a MEDIUM marathon, right? Or maybe La Toya inspired MEDIUM? Yeah, that’s must be it.

Finally, La Toya said that Michael’s pet macaw is also having conversations with him, “Michael had a macaw and he was saying, ‘Everything’s OK, Michael. Everyone’s fine, don’t worry. The kids? How are the kids doing? Well, see how the kids are playing. They’re playing and they’re having fun’.”

And let me guess, La Toya was the only one that heard the macaw talk to Michael? Not only is La Toya a glamorous version of Oda Mae Brown, but she’s also a regular Dr. Doolittle!

No Scandal Here (Maybe)

This is why Randy Jackson should leave the detective work to La Toya. Yesterday, it was reported that Randy was going around claiming that Michael Jackson couldn’t possibly sign his will in 2002, because he was in NYC at the time. The document states it was signed in Los Angeles. Forgery fuckery!

According to Michael’s estate lawyer the will was signed in NYC, but one of the witnesses must have been drunk that day, because they accidentally wrote Los Angeles instead of New York. TMZ confirms that MJ took a pen to the document in NYC. And if for some reason, the will is thrown out for being a fraud, MJ’s will form 1997 will take its place. The 1997 will is pretty much a copy of the 2002 will. So that’s that! However……Detective La Toya still believes that the signature is fake.

Yesterday one of the paps asked her if someone forged Michael’s signature on his will, and she responded with, “It’s not real. I could have told you that two months ago.“ And the plot thins! Detective La Toya is still on the case and as soon as she gets the forgery kit she ordered in the mail, she will uncover the TRUTH! Hold your breath.

And here’s some pictures of La Toya leaving the Ed Hardy store yesterday. Don’t worry, La Toya isn’t sleeping with the enemy. I’m sure she’s on a top-secret undercover investigation. Or something.

Randy Jackson Calls Shenanigans

Well, what do we have here? Randy Jackson (not the “Yo dawg” dude from American Idol) seems to think that he has Detective La Toya’s skills for uncovering the truth and discovering the answer to life’s great mysteries. Ugh. I expected Jermaine to try to steal La Toya’s shine, but not Randy!

According to TMZ, Randy says that something in the milk ain’t clean about Michael Jackson’s will. Michael signed it on July 7, 2002 in Los Angeles, but Randy says this is impossible since his brother was all the way in NYC at the time. The lawyer for Michael’s estate, Howard Weitzman, says that the witnesses were with Michael Jackson when he signed his will, but he would not say if all of them were in NYC or L.A. at the time.

Of course, Rev. Al Sharpton has piped in to confirm that Michael was with him in NYC on the 7th. The two of them attended a protest against Tommy Mottola who was under fire for allegedly discriminating against Black artists. Rev. Al says he will plans to speak to the family about this.

While I think it’s endearing that Randy wants to play detective, he needs to put the toy magnifying glass away, and let the professional do her job! Unless, Randy is afraid that La Toya will discover the real truth, which is that he’s just mad he’s nowhere in the will. Yeah, more than likely.

Anyway, here’s La Toya on her night off from crime-solving leaving a lavish dinner at Chili’s. Okay, she was really leaving some Thai restaurant and she was wearing a gown from Windsor’s, because she was at Dancing with the Has-Beens before.