Category: Knocked Up

The Chick From The “V” Reboot And Ryan From “The O.C.” Are Having A Baby Together (UPDATE)

September 24, 2015 / Posted by:

36-year-old Morena Baccarin and 37-year-old Benjamin McKenzie (I know, he looks like he barely started growing crotch hairs) are on Gotham together and just yesterday I was reading about how they’re dating. Usually the way it works is that you read about them dating, and then you read in Life & Style about how they were “getting cozy” at Madeo or some shit, and then you read on tooFab about how Morena wore a ring on that finger while shopping at Fred Segal and blah blah blah… Well, these two have hit the FF button, because things have escalated quickly. Morena is knocked up with Ben’s baby and she just filed for full custody of the 22-month-old kid she made with her estranged husband. To quote my mother when I go to dinner with her and don’t order a big cup of booze, “This is an interesting turn of events!”

Morena’s husband, director Austin Check, filed for divorce in early July after three and a half years of marriage. Austin asked for joint custody of their son Julius. But Morena doesn’t want joint physical custody, because she lives in NYC and Austin lives in L.A. TMZ says that Morena filed papers today asking the judge to give her full physical custody. Morena wants Julius to live with her in NYC. Since she’s baking a baby in her body, she’ll eventually have to stop flying and she won’t be able to visit her son in L.A. Morena is at the end of her first trimester.

So, when Morena’s husband filed for divorce, she was already growing Benjamine McKenzie’s baby in her womb. Austin listed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why he wants a divorce. Austin obviously went with that, because “Ryan Atwood bareback boned a baby into my wife’s body” wasn’t an option. And this maybe-drama makes up for the last season of The O.C.! Who knew that these two could bring the ESCANDALONESS? It’s always the quiet ones….

UPDATE: The judge ruled today that Morena and Austin’s son will mostly live with her in NYC.

Here’s Morena and Ben at the Emmys this past weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The Rock Is Going To Be A Daddy Again

September 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? If you smell a mixture of boiling goat milk and Muscle Milk, then you do smell what The Rock is cooking, because that’s probably what his fertile jizz smells like.

Lauren Hashian, The Rock’s girlfriend of around 9 years, is baking a bundle of muscles in her womb after one of his sperm fish body slammed into one of her ovary eggs. Some source tells UsWeekly that The Rock and Lauren are “really excited” about becoming parents to their “little pebble.” (Side note: Santo dios, they’re totally naming their kid The Pebble.) Lauren doesn’t have to worry about spending hours in labor, because whenever The Rock’s child is ready to come out, it’ll crash through her stomach skin the same way The Rock crashes through a brick wall in his house when he forgets his key.

The Rock and Lauren (who is giving me Heather from Real Housewives of New York City with a drop of Giada De Laurentiis) are already parents to a bunch of Frenchies, but this is the first human child they will raise together. The Rock also has a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife Dany Garcia.

When The Pebble is born, The Rock doesn’t have to worry about Instagramming pictures of his new child, because we already know what that kid is going to look like:

rockbaby1

I know, that was offensive. Like The Rock’s kid is just going to have a six-pack. Please. That child will be nothing but a 10-pack with eyes and a mouth.

Pics: Wenn.com, MySpace

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Tom Hardy Is Going To Be A Daddy Again

September 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Hot piece and former cam whore Tom Hardy and his wife of a year Charlotte Riley were at the UK premiere of his new movie Legend in London today and she looked like she either has a fetus growing up inside her body or she’s on that mozzarella sticks, wine, Oreos and Hot Fries diet I’ve been on since I can remember. Well, Charlotte may be stuffing her body with mozzarella sticks and Hot Fries, but she’s also got a uterus full of Hardy baby.

Tom and Charlotte haven’t made a baby together before, so this will be their first. Tom has a 7-year-old son named Louis from his relationship with Rachel Speed. If Charlotte births out a boy, I will be extremely disappointed if Tom’s sons don’t grow up to be amateur crime solvers with their own detective agency called The Hardy Boys.

Here’s more pictures of Tom, Charlotte (someone really should’ve told her that she’s got toilet paper stuck to the back of her dress) and his dog at the Legend premiere. At first I thought that Tom’s dog was cute, but then I came across the picture of his pooch throwing an over-the-shoulder shady look that says, “Yup, I’m this close to your man, bitch. Stay jealous!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj Isn’t Knocked Up, She Just Likes To Call Her Hos Her “Baby Father”

August 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Nicki Minaj wanted to switch the focus from her coattail rider Meek Mill getting ran over several times by Wheelchair Jimmy in a stupid diss track battle, she called him her “baby father” during a show in Pittsburgh on Saturday night. Some thought that meant that there’s a rhinestone-encrusted fetus growing in between her exercise balls titties and her exercise balls ass. But in a shocking PLOT TWIST,  it turns out that Nicki doesn’t have a CASE OF THE BABIES. She’s just parched for some quick attention and also calls her closest hos her “baby father.

Nicki responded to the rumor that she’s knocked up on Twitter by tweeting 8 crying emojis. Too bad she can’t lick up the tears on those crying emojis since she’s obviously thirsty. TMZ says that Nicki has called Meek her “baby father” before and it’s just a term of endearment she uses with tricks she likes. Nicki is not pregnant and I believe it. If she really was, Meek wouldn’t be performing in her show. He’d be too busy turning himself into an actual windmill by doing a hundred cartwheels down the street to celebrate the blank check brewing in Nicki’s womb.

TMZ’s source says that Nicki even calls Lil Wayne her “baby father.” It doesn’t mean anything. Okay, but Nicki shouldn’t joke like that. Unlike Meek, I bet Lil Wayne really is her baby father. When most people hug Lil Wayne, they suddenly feel a rumbling down below and they think the Chipolte they had for dinner is about to reappear in a big way out of their asshole. But after they sit on the toilet and push, they give birth to a baby that was conceived when they hugged Lil Wayne. Dude is THAT fertile and he’s probably everybody’s baby father.

Pic: Splash

Kandi Burruss From The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Is Knocked Up

July 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Kandi Burruss, one of the only ones on The Real Housewives of Atlanta who has at least an ounce of reason in her brain, is growing a fetus in her kandi-koated uterus. Kandi and her gold digging husband Todd Tucker (copyright: Mama Joyce) announced that she’s pregnant with their first baby together. I’m sure that as soon as Todd’s elf nut knocked Kandi up, Andy Cohen magically appeared in a cloud of smoke and in his hand was a contract for their now show, “Kandi’s Having A Baby.”

Kandi has a 12-year-old daughter named Riley and Todd has an 18-year-old-ish daughter named Kaela. Kandi and Todd gave the news to E! News:

“We’re so thrilled to announce the news of our bundle of joy, it’s a dream come true. Our daughters, Kaela and Riley, couldn’t be happier about becoming big sisters.”

But what does Mama Joyce have to say? That’s what I want to know. I can already see Mama Joyce throwing that baby a, “Kandi could’ve bought me a new toaster oven instead of buying you that toy,” look while watching them play. That baby better learn how to behave real fast, because anybody who watches that show knows that Mama Joyce is an abuelita who doesn’t play around and has a black belt in chancleta shoe wielding.

Gold Diggers Rejoice! Gabi Grecko Is Knocked Up!

June 15, 2015 / Posted by:

If the name Gabi Grecko means about as much to you as the name “Kim” means to North West, then you’re obviously not a connoisseur of delicate gold digging blossoms.

Gabi Grecko (who is giving me Leeloo as a Hooters waitress in that picture) is a 26-year-old Florida petunia who became one of my gold digging idols when she got with 72-year-old Australian medical mogul Geoffrey Edelsten and caused an ESCANDALO when she showed up to a funeral done up like a mobster’s hooker mistress circa 1986. Well, the always attention shy Gabi, who is usually allergic to the spotlight, is back in the news in Australia after she and her sugar pepaw got married and announced that she’s got an adorable little blank check growing in her womb. But some people are throwing looks of skepticism at her pregnancy news.

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