Category: Kirk Cameron
So It Looks Like Cameron Diaz Is The Adam Sandler Of This Year’s Razzie Nominations
The nominations for the Academy Awards’ snarky couch-dwelling little sister (yes I just pictured Angie Tempura), the Razzies, were announced today. Usually I’d be beyond excited from all the warm feelings wrapping themselves around my little cold heart from reading the word “worst” so many times, but unfortunately I’m a little disappointed. No Most Underwhelming Performance nomination for Ben Affleck’s peen in Gone Girl? No Worst nomination for. No Worst Busted Wig for Jennifer Aniston in Cake? No Worst Onscreen Couple nomination for Kim and Kanye Kardashian for any video from their wedding?
But they did manage to recognize all the terrible work Cameron Diaz did this year, and that’s something – because she truly did some embarrassing shit in 2014 (and I’m not talking about humping on Benji Madden). Cammy D got two nominations for Worst Actress for The Other Woman and Sex Tape, one Worst Supporting Actress for Annie, and one Worst Screen Combo with Jason Segel for Sex Tape. And yet no nomination for Worst Screen Combo for Cammy and her vocal cords in Annie? Come on guys – that seems like a pretty obvious oversight.
Also receiving nominations for Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Combo was Rod Flanders’ human equivalent Kirk Cameron and his film Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus just high-fived God and said “Good. Saving Christmas was the worst birthday present I’ve ever received.”
The whole list of nominees is after the cut, including a new category called the Redeemer Award, which is exactly as WTF as you can imagine.
ICYMI: Kirk Cameron On How To Talk To Gay People
Kirk Cameron has been on a roll lately. The child star turned evangelical turd is on a mission to save Christmas (and whatever is left os his diarrhea dingle of a career) and he recently shat up a stocking coal of a movie called Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Kirk’s latest shit show is only at 8% (with an audience score of 39%) on Rotten Tomatoes and most critics say watching it is like opening up a box full of wet dog caca. Kirk has been begging his “fans” to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews to bring his movie’s percentage up. It’s what Jesus would want them to do. While in the middle of desperately trying to take his movie from rotten to fresh, Everything Is Terrible posted an entertainingly fucked up supercut of Kirk Cameron and some other dude talking about gays on The Way Of The Master Television.
Are You A Lady? Kirk Cameron Says You’ll Have A Merrier Christmas If You Spend It In The Kitchen
Kirk Cameron, the talking dookie that came to life one day when Ned Flanders took a dump in an enchanted toilet, is currently pimping out his latest film Saving Christmas, which means that he’s super into the Christmas spirit right now. And recently, he uploaded a video to Facebook with some advice for women – sorry, “moms or wives” – on how to squeeze the maximum amount of joy out of your loved ones this holiday season. It’s super easy! All you need to do is lock yourself inside your house and turn it into a gingerbread-scented manger-blasted Christmas wonderland!
“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you are the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember the joy of the mom is her children’s strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way you decorate your home this Christmas in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”
You hear that ladies? When your man has finished off the last of the donkey chow (there were no puppies in Bethlehem) and you can’t find the goddamn pickle forks for the gherkin nativity and Kaidyn just knocked over your 3-wick Bath & Body Works Winter Candy Apple candle, spilling hot wax all over your festive DIY 8lb 6oz Newborn Baby Jesus throw pillows, simply stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath, and sing-scream “JOOOOOOY TO THE WOOOOORLD” at the top of your lungs for all to hear. Let everyone share in your endless joy this Christmas!
Kirk Cameron Calls The Grammy Mass Wedding An “All Out Assault On Traditional Family,” Wants You To Buy His Shitty Movie
I wasn’t completely sure how to feel about the Grammys. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Was I “meh” about the whole circle jerkiness of it all? But now that Kirk Cameron has spoken, I know how to feel. I loved all 10 hours of it! Because if it makes Kirk Cameron seethe and clench his evangelical b-hole while covering his children’s innocent Christian eyes, then it only can be right!
I know this is a shocking turn of events, but the loneliest loner at his conference room birthday party wasn’t waving a rainbow flag while singing along to “Same Love/Open Your Heart” as Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert and Boss Hogg on internet-bought estrogen performed in front of 33 gay, lesbian and straight couples who just got married. Kirk considered the mass wedding as a direct assault on “traditional families.” You know, kind of like how some of us consider Kirk Cameron’s entire existence as a direct assault on humanity. Kirk scooted his ass over to Facebook to scream about how the Grammy fired a shot directly into the crotch of the “traditional family” and he’s ready to fight…. and then he also used the time to whore out his latest assault on TV screens: his piece of shit family-friendly movie.
You know Kirk’s b-hole got the drips when he typed “thick and dark.”
I believe Kirk when he says that Fireproof saved marriages and brought couples closer together. Because when they watched it together, they bonded over their mutual hate of that shitty puddle of trash. I’m sure Mercy Rule will do the same thing for families! Kirk is wrong about the Grammys assaulting the “traditional family,” though. I know many “traditional families” and some of them fucked themselves up on their own long before Macklemore’s Grammy performance.
Kirk can go and eat a foot-long Subway sub full of anuses, but I will agree with him about one thing. Lines were drawn thick and dark at the Grammys:
And it was stunning.