GOOPY Has Flaws?!

Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word “perfect” in Webster’s Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy’s main flaw is, let’s play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!

a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald’s commercial in its entirety and didn’t roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: “Why won’t you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta.”
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say “thank you” in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit “plops” instead of “dings” when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can’t tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn’t get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.

If you answered, “ALL OF THEM,” you’re probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with “c.” Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn’t. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.

“One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that’s the ironic part. I’m so deeply flawed. I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”

Fishy shouldn’t be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night’s Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.

Sage Khia Reviews Nicki Minaj’s Album

Khia somehow found a way to rip Nicki Minaj’s album off of Rapidshare and then it burn it onto a CD from one of Kinko’s pay-by-the-hour computers AND THANK EVERYTHING SHE DID! When Khia gives one of her priceless sermons in front of the abandoned train tracks behind a Safeway, you better show up and be ready to get healed.

On her blog, the always prolific Khia delivered a track-by-track review of Nicki’s album and sang out insightful quote after insightful quote! Quotes that need to be printed on a sticker and slapped on Nicki’s album when it gets re-issued. I mean:

“It smells WORSER than the gas that’s coming out of my ASS, from all of the Turkey that I ate over the Thanksgiving weekend.” – gold-selling recording artist KHIA!

“Her breast looked suculant, but I wouldn’t suck them wit Latifah’s lips! Shout out to the stylists and photographers who done a spectacular job, airbrushing and styling this “Dungeon Dragon” because we all know that this “Lint-Lizard” doesn’t look like this in person.” – Sunglasses aficionado KHIA!

Why doesn’t Khia have her own music column at Rolling Stone, The New York Times, the PennySaver, Street Wise, Real Change, Craigslist, etc..etc…? But enough of me, here’s a little more of Khia trying to burn the ends of Nicki’s wig with a half-used fireplace match (you can read the whole review here):

Track 3: Did It On’Em
What did you do? Because it’s obvious that you will not sell any RECORDS, don’t get too “COMFY” over there at Cash Money Records Sweeeeetie because if they DROPPED Teena Marie, they are going to be SWEEPING your ASS out the DOOR pretty soon! I Thank my husband for DROPPING Lil Mo becuase her LIPS weighed more than her ALBUM sales and needed to be picked UP from draaaaaaaging the floor! Every night me and my husband Weezy still fight about him letting Teena Marie go!

Track 4: Right Thru Me
We see right past your dumb ass! See through you, walk over you, step on you, so tired of you! I know it won’t be long before I hear about you in the PAPER! I smell a nervous BREAK DOWN coming on…..You’re not BUILT for this!

Track 6: Save Me
I just told yall to SAVE this bitch…….She is DROWNING, FALLEN and can’t GET Up! Don’t give up though, keep swimming……… Hopefully, you will be able to keep Hope alive for all of lil girls that’s drowning! Seems like, Willow Smith and Justin Bieber should have been featured on the album, because the chilren are the only ones who are pleased with the works of this tired ass album. Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!

Track 8: Check It Out
Check what out? The best thing on this track is the “Feature” WIL-I-AM…… I can’t believe I wasted my $13.99 on this BULL SHIT, I told yall that it aint no damn Barbies in the hood! I can’t wait for Matel to sue this bitch for all of the $3.60 that she earned! When is this bitch gonna learn that they stealing all of the money?

Track 9: Blazin
The only thing that’s “Blazin” is Onika’s pussy! Yeah fellas, it’s burning……Flaming Hot! Bitches will do anything for a record deal! Onika, look in the mirror! Are you pleased with yourself? We seen the BEFORE, it would have been better if you came out AFTER all of the surgery!

Track 11: Dear Old Nicki
RIP…….Case closed and casket DROPPED!

WRIST FULL OF COLORFUL RUBBER BANDS! Now you know how Jesus’ disciples felt that day on the plain, right? Where is the Khia Finch version of The Bible?!

But seriously, Nicki Minaj is probably like, “Who?!”

Vintage The Situation

Here’s Jersey Shore’s The Situation, the teenage Don Knotts in the middle, and his siblings giving us a variety of eyebrow delicacies in their very own awkward family photo. Turtlenecking like champs!

Source: MTV via Buzzfeed

MICKEY ROURKE GOT A HAIRCUT! MICKEY ROURKE GOT A HAIRCUT!

Loki will lift his leg on your dreams tonight if you are thinking to yourself that Mickey Rourke didn’t cut his hair, it just finally got sick of clinging to his crater face so it quit that bitch. That is not true. That hair loved him like stank loves caca.

Anyways, Mickey finally cleaned the oil spill on his head by taking a machete to it. Mickey’s weekday maid is probably thanking the maker of scissors, because now she won’t get raisins on her fingers from spending hours scrubbing the grease out of his pillow cases in a tub full of hot water and Goo Gone.

And I happen to love Mickey’s new hair situation. It makes his moobies pop up real nice.

Khia’s Candy Cane Coochie

If you ever find yourself inside Khia’s house and notice a cup full of candy canes with bits of crusted Cream of Wheat on them, stay away, because after reading this you will know exactly where that shit has been and the kind of clit they’ve seen! Khia tells Vibe Magazine that you can celebrate the spirit of Christmas all year long by sticking a little ho ho ho in your hoo hoo hoo. Khia says:

“Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated.”

And I don’t even want to know what she does with Pop Rocks….

via Crunk + Disorderly

Still Waxing Those Nipples

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we’d get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top’s root. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, so we’ll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there’s a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver’s ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would…