Category: Joan Rivers

ICYMI: Melissa Rivers As Her Mom In “Joy”

December 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Nope.” – that Ariana Grande dog

Those who say that Melissa Rivers should get a dozen gold medals in coattail riding since she’s built an entire career out of being Joan Rivers’ daughter need to temporarily stop hating and bow down, because she has gone next level. Melissa is now wearing the coat. Melissa tells People that David O. Russell asked her if she would do a little cameo as the late Joan Rivers in Joy and she did it, because duh, she obviously lives by her mother’s motto: never turn down a job. Melissa plays Joan in a scene that happens at QVC studios.

When Joan Rivers was still alive, Jennifer Lawrence pissed on Fashion Police for being a big ole’ big meanie mean show, but Melissa says that JLaw was nice to her.

“My mother had a couple lovely encounters with Bradley and she was a fan of Jen’s even though there was a situation once at Fashion Police where someone said something and Jennifer didn’t like it and kind of fired back. Even though we had that disagreement that really had nothing to do with her, I was a huge fan,’ and quoted back her favorite Fashion Police line ever to me: ‘That dress is so ugly it looks like it would be good at math.’ So here she is quoting my own show back to me, then she said to David, ‘I’m so happy you brought me someone to play with!'”

The clip of Melissa as Joan from Entertainment Tonight is below and it’s so weird, creepy and awkward that I think I love it. It’s giving me “Joan Crawford playing her daughter’s character in that soap opera” vibes.

One word: MESS. If Melissa Rivers starts doing Fashion Police as Joan Rivers, I may have to start watching Fashion Police again.

Melissa Rivers Shits On Kathy Griffin For Shitting On Her Mother’s Legacy

May 14, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve been looking for a reason to start your weekend drinking early, then you have found a reason in the image of Melissa Rivers, Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers’ legacy having one big ole’ scat party.

When Kathy Griffin busted out of Fashion Police, she burped up a statement (which Lena Dunham helped write, because UGH) where she basically said that she and the show were like two power bottoms trying to hook up together. They just didn’t work and didn’t connect. Kathy thought the show was too mean and she didn’t want to partake in body-shaming. (Defamer claimed that the real reason why Kathy quit is because E! was getting ready to pink slip her for being a thorn in their taint.) Well, two months after Kathy checked out of Fashion Police, Melissa Rivers has spit out her thoughts. Melissa thinks that Kathy destroyed her mother’s legacy with her exit statement.

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E! Is Pressing The Pause Button On Fashion Police

March 17, 2015 / Posted by:

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, E! has realized that nobody really wants to watch Giuliana Rancic suck the life out of the room while Brad Goreski nervously giggles for 30 minutes. Fashion Police was supposed to come back later this month and after Kathy Griffin quit that bitch, Melissa Rivers was going to temporarily take her place, but that’s not going to happen anymore. E! announced tonight that Fashion Police is going on hiatus and will spend the next few months getting nipped, tucked, pulled, waxed, shaved and Botoxed. They’re going to revamp the show and find new asses to sit in the chairs that Kathy and Kelly Osbourne left empty. If Brad doesn’t also jump ship and find another gig, he’ll be back. Ghouliana will also be back, because she probably has some shit on Ryan Seacrest so E! will never let her go.

E! spit out this statement:

E!’s comedy series Fashion Police is going on hiatus and will return in September. We look forward to taking this opportunity to refresh the show before the next awards season. Our talented co-hosts Giuliana Rancic and Brad Goreski, along with Executive Producer Melissa Rivers, will continue their roles as we evolve the show into its next chapter for the legions of Fashion Police fans around the world.

Now that Fashion Police is going away for a while and has left a blank space in E!’s schedule, they can finally do what’s right and bring back their greatest piece of work. I’m talking about the artistic masterpiece that was Sunset Tan (aka the shit show that maybe 2 of you remember).

sunsettanE!

Jeff Bozz (the spawn of an overgrown Oompa Loompa and a bottle of Affliction butt spray on the left) and his electrocuted porcupine hair will save the day!

“Fashion Police” Was Too Mean For Kathy Griffin So She Quit That Bitch

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, that lasted about as long as my patience while watching Ghouliana Rancid interview anybody on the red carpet. When Kathy Griffin said that she signed up to be the head bitch of the Fashion Police, I figured she was doing it for Joan Rivers and didn’t think she would last more than a year, because when you think of fashion, the last ho you think of is Kathy Griffin. Actually, the last ho you think of is Kanye West, so Kathy Griffin is second to last. But well, she lasted a lot less longer than a year.

About two weeks after Kelly Osbourne sashayed out of the exit door and a quick minute after Kathy said that she wouldn’t tell the “patchouli and weed” joke that Ghouliana made about Zendaya, she declared on Facebook tonight that she’s completely over Fashion Police. In a post where she said her age and how many awards she’s won, Kathy said that she doesn’t want to take part in a shit fest where bitches drag people’s looks. Kathy thought Fashion Police was just going to be about making fun of dresses. So basically, it feels like Kathy spread her legs, squatted over Ghouliana and let out a wet queef.

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E! says that when Fashion Police comes back on March 30th, Melissa Rivers will take over for Kathy and both Ghouliana and Brad Goreski will be back. Kelly has already thrown some support at Kathy by tweeting a picture of them touching tongues.

Now Kathy Griffin is free to do a gossip show on CNN with Anderson Cooper where she’ll tell rim jokes and he’ll giggle out of his jock strap.

Joan Rivers was Fashion Police, but of course E! is going to try to keep that shit alive. I don’t even know why they’re bothering bringing Melissa Rivers on for one episode. Why postpone the inevitable? They’re obviously going to replace Kathy with Kanye West and replace the rest with Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The entire show will be Kanye worshipping his looks while Kummy, the Slow One and Khlozilla take turns sucking on his ass lips. I don’t know what E! is waiting for?

RUDE! Joan Rivers Was Cut From The “In Memoriam” Tribute

February 23, 2015 / Posted by:

The “In Memoriam” segment of the Oscars is always a huge bummer, because it reminds you that death is a jealous bitch who yanks away the best people from life (example: Robin Williams, whose picture made me cry because I had been drinking and was feeling all kinds of emotional). But last night it was a particularly huge bummer, because the Queen of the Oscar Red Carpet, Her Majesty Joan Rivers was not included. I said it up top, and I’ll say it again: RUDE.

And according to The Hollywood Reporter, it wasn’t an accident or the work of a lazy intern; they just didn’t have room for her. An Oscar rep released this statement about Joan’s “In Memoriam” snub to THR saying:

“Joan Rivers is among the many worthy artists and filmmakers we were unfortunately unable to feature in the In Memoriam segment of this year’s Oscar show. She is, however, included in our In Memoriam gallery on Oscar.com.”

At least Joan is in good company: the Academy also left out Elaine Stritch. I hope those two are sharing a cocktail this morning in Heaven and getting their bitch on about this shameful mess.

And I’d like to think that shortly after their drink, Joan started planning out just exactly how she was going to haunt the shit out of each and every Academy member. But that would be a lie, since we all know the glamorous ghost of Joan Rivers has much better, more glamorous things to do than haunt anything besides the odd open mic night in Heaven (I just got very jealous of angels all of a sudden).

It Looks Like Kathy Griffin Will Replace Joan Rivers As The Host Of Fashion Police

November 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I know – “replace” is entirely the wrong word; nobody could ever replace the exquisite insult-hissing showstopper that was Joan Rivers. Maybe “keep her seat warm until she decides to return from beyond the grave as a gorgeous ageless ghost to haunt the tragic fashion disasters of awards season” is a better word. And according to TMZ, that person replacing the seat left vacant by Joan on Fashion Police is going to be sunset-colored comedian Kathy Griffin.

A source connected with the show (the makeup artist in charge of transforming Giuliana Rancic from a grasshopper to a human-looking grasshopper, perhaps) has confirmed to TMZ that it’s a done deal and Kathy will be joining Giuliana, the enchanted come-to-life bag of Dolly Mix Kelly Osbourne, and Melissa Rivers. No word on whether George Kotsiopoulos will also be coming back or if he’s currently crying into a pile of tasteful $79.99 QVC wrap dresses (they’re always wrap dresses and they’re always $79.99). The source also says that Fashion Police will no longer be a weekly show, and instead will air it as a special program to coincide with big events, like the Academy Awards.

I’m sure there are 1,284,365 Joan Rangers screaming “NO! TERRIBLE CHOICE!” at the top of their lungs while clutching their favorite Joan Rivers Classics Collection statement necklace, but I’m glad they chose Kathy. Kathy once tried to blow Anderson Cooper on live TV and isn’t afraid to dress like a near-sighted Daytona Beach truck stop stripper. A messy middle-aged trick who doesn’t give a fuck? Come on, it’s what Joan would have wanted.

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