World-Renowned Lip Syncher To Judge A Singing Competition

Deadline Hollywood says that the rumor that Simon Cowell is trying to fill one of the empty judge’s chairs on X-Factor with the Louisiana trailer park blossom is coming true. Simon wants X-Factor to rise to the top like his man tits when he inhales and so he’s offered Brit Brit $10 million to join the judge’s panel for the second season. Simon is looking for two lady judges to replace walking Vicodin pill Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherlyyoualreadyforgotthishosfullname.

If Brit Brit’s string pullers tell her to take the money, she will be making about as much as Xtina is making for The Voice and $2 million less than JLo is making for American Idle. The Hollywood Reporter is hearing that Brit Brit’s fiancé Sam Merlotte Lite is negotiating her contract and if talks aren’t derailed from her insisting that they let her judge while sitting in a plastic trash can full of Frapps, the deal will be done next week. The squinting Falcor LeAnn Rimes is also talking to Simon about taking the other spot after Janet Jackson gave a thumbs down to it.

Brit Brit isn’t allowed to open her mouth in public unless she says words pre-approved by her team of puppet handlers, so I’m not sure how this is going to go. Is the whole thing going to be scripted? Is there going to be a Campbell Soup can phone on the table in front of her and every time she has to say something, she’ll put it to her ear and repeat the words she hears? Is she going to sit on Daddy Spears’ lap and move her mouth as he imitates her voice while giving criticisms like “Aw, you’re so sweet” and “Aw, that was awesome!” Please let it be the last one.

The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job

If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you’ll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season.

FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger’s second season contracts were executed, but they haven’t said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn’t called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could’ve at least shaved the words “you’re fired” into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now!

Apparently, Simon hasn’t chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I’ll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia.

Give This Child All The Emmys

Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody’s crying like they’re about to bury somebody. Damn. I don’t watch this anymore, but I’m about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn’t watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night’s elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon’s contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid’s contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.

Nicole made the same face she’s going to make in a couple of months when she’s cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn’t even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she’s been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can’t be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I’m the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden’s Crush CD). Nicole couldn’t decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public’s vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!

Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, “Mommy, you promised!” There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.

What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia’s entire act, but now she’s murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!

Cheryl Cole Is Officially Out Of A Job

Cheryl Cole was in, then she was out, then she was in and now she’s officially out of X-Factor USA. All this talk of Cheryl Cole being in and out is forcing images of her licking animal sauce on a Double Double into my head and I do not appreciate it. But thankfully, our national predicament that you gave zero fucks about is over!!!!

Fox released a statement to TVLine today confirming that Cheryl Cole’s American dreams have been crushed by Simon Cowell’s titty and the swap meet Apollonia is taking her place at the judge’s table.

“Nicole Scherzinger will be replacing Cheryl Cole on the judging panel of The X Factor. Nicole will join Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid and Paula Abdul on their search across America to find the next global superstar or group to win the life-changing $5 million dollar recording deal. Nicole has previously joined Simon Cowell as a guest judge on The X Factor for the UK version of the show in 2010. Steve Jones will act as sole host of The X Factor.”

Now that the fate of Cheryl Cole has been sealed for good, we can go back to focusing on more important news stories that are relevant to all of our interests. Like the mystery of twin babies sneezing at the same time:

Two Words: STUNT QUEENS

That little wink isn’t from Simon Cowell fucking the feeling out of his nerves with a Botox needle again. It also isn’t from Simon’s eye closing shop because it can’t deal with Paula Abdul’s extra thick Vicodin breath eating away at its retina. That little wink is Simon patting himself on the taint, because he’s about to pull a major stunt queen move that will have hos talking about his show months before that shit even airs.

A little over a week ago, Cheryl Cole was dropped as a judge from the US version of X-Factor and replaced by that Nicole Scherzinger ho from the Pussycat Dolls. Well, a few scandalous headlines later and it looks like Cheryl Cole is back! It’s a miracle! It’s like the second coming of WHO GIVES A FUCK.

The News of the World was the first to break this shit, but TMZ has more details. They say that Cheryl’s return is all about money. The producers wanted to put Cheryl back on the X-Factor in the UK, but the deal didn’t happen because she asked for £2.5 million. Cheryl’s contract with the US X-Factor states that she gets her $1.5 million fee whether or not she’s on the show. So the producers figured that it is cheaper to keep Cheryl than fire her ass. Cheryl hasn’t decided if she’s going to come back (she will). If she does, Nicole goes back to being a host.

Oh, the ideas that burp out of Simon’s brain when Ryan Seacrest is giving his nipples a finger massage during their weekly bromance sauna session. If Simon makes us think that Cheryl was fired over her accent and then brought back only because of money, we’ll all feel sorry for her and fall in love with her like she’s a mumbling puppy dog with a bark nobody understands.

First Blake Lively lies to us and now Simon Cowell is manipulating us?! What to believe anymore?! I’m sure you’d shed a tear over this betrayal if your Give A Shit Meter wasn’t stuck on zero.

Woe Is Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole has been dropped into a plane and sent back to England after sitting at the judge’s table on X-Factor for only a couple of weeks. Cheryl, WHO IS THE BIGGEST STAR IN ENGLAND (not at all), is now crying in that Geordie accent of hers, because she has been pink-slipped by Simon Cowell and replaced with Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls. There’s a lot of things that hurt in life like getting your peen lips stuck in a zipper or accidentally chewing on aluminum foil, but I’m guessing that nothing hurts like a Pussycat Doll replacing you.

TMZ has no idea why Chery Cole left or was fired, but their sources say it happened very recently. Cheryl sat next to Simon, L.A. Reid and Paula Abdul on the judge’s panel during the L.A. and Chicago auditions. Nicole Scherzinger was a co-host, but now she’s been upgraded to judge.

It’s pretty obvious what happened here. Even after dozens of warnings, Chery Cole mistakenly took a sip from Paula Abdul’s plastic Pepsi cup. Before they knew it, Cheryl was making love to the swivel chairs, slobbering all over the contestants and spilling her feelings out to a plastic ficus tree in the corner. They had to ship her off to a health department clinic that specializes in Abdulification.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Cheryl’s Geordie accent is what got her fired. Producers are afraid that us Americans might twitch our ears when listening to Cheryl speak. They also say that Cheryl and Paula Abdul didn’t really fit together. Simon wants to put Cheryl back in the UK version of X-Factor, but she may tell him to fuck off because she’s not happy about being put on the curb.