Shocker: Holistic Hippie Shailene Woodley Has A Case Of The Stink Pits

Typically when someone decides they want to start fucking with alternative shit, the first thing into the trash is deodorant, followed shortly after by shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and regular tampons (which are replaced with those weird sea sponges for your cooter). And since Shailene Woodley is an out-and-proud nü-hippie, she definitely divorced her stick of Secret years ago. But according to Star Magazine, Shailene might want to find some kind of organic wildflower to press between her pits, because things aren’t so great in there:

“Shailene rubs these essential oils all over her body, and they aren’t very welcoming scents,” a source told Star magazine. “Her smell is totally offensive, and it’s gotten so bad that her stylist is having a hard time borrowing designer outfits for her to wear because she makes the gowns stink!”

“There is absolutely no way to get that stench out of those expensive fabrics,” says the insider. “Designers don’t want their pieces back after Shailene is done with them!”

When Shailene first started talking about how she’s a toothpaste-making berry-foraging vadge-sunning forest nymph, I made a little bet with myself (I have a gambling problem, whatever, acknowledge your demons) that she probably smelled like low-tide at the Jersey Shore, because there’s no way you can be down with the mother earth lifestyle and not have doo-doo pits. One time I had a weak moment in a health food store and I bought a stick of that crystal deodorant. I convinced myself that if I just gave my body time to adjust, I’d eventually smell like a beautiful summer sunset. Well, that crystal deodorant is a rock of LIES because I ended up reeking like a wet sasquatch. Forget the Wu-Tang Clan, hippie alternatives to deodorant ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Pic: Wenn

Color Me A Goopy Shade Of Shocked: Gwyneth Paltrow Was A Mean Girl In School

“What? NO! That’s crazy! She’s such a sweet, down-to-earth girl!” – your mom confusing Gwyneth Paltrow for Glynnis Parker, the secretary at her church. Then after you stare at her in utter disbelief for a solid 60 seconds, she finally realizes you said Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh, Gwyneth Paltrow the actress. Of course she was a Class-A bitch in middle school.”

I always had the suspicion that Gwyneth was probably an insufferable hag since childhood (I imagine she slid from Blythe Danner’s uterus complaining about the lack of imported embryonic fluid) and now thanks to Radar, we now have confirmation from one of Gwynnie’s former classmates that she was just as much a snobby terror at 16 as she is now:

“Gwyneth always seemed like she thought she was better than the rest of us,” a former classmate told Radar about the GOOP founder.

“She was in a play where she had the princess role and she told another girl in school that ‘of course’ she was playing that role because she was a princes and the other girl was not and that’s why she didn’t get the role. No one was surprised, she was so smug, even back then.”

The source also went on to say that there’s a 99.999% chance that no one is accepting Gwyneth’s friend requests on Facebook:

Decades later, the source said now that the Park Avenue princess has moved her family back to LA the girls she was mean to when she was younger haven’t changed their opinions of her.

“A group of women that didn’t get along with Gwyneth back in the day want nothing to do with her now.  They still live in LA and have no interest in hanging out with her or being friends at all!”

In other news, water is still wet and the Earth still orbits around the Sun. But I’d love to know more about the kind of awful mean girl shit Gwyneth pulled in High School; I bet she made the mean bitches from Carrie look like The Baby-Sitter’s Club. Someone get Maya Rudolph drunk and see if she spills any secrets!

Tantrum Toddler And His Dad Were A Complete Nightmare On A Recent Flight

Justin Bieber’s pre-K behavioural issues have gotten so bad lately that I could literally start making up outrageous headlines about him being a shit and none of you would doubt them. Justin Bieber knocks an elderly woman down the stairs and steals $10 from her purse. Of course he would. Justin Bieber spits in a 3-legged dog’s face for fun. Sounds about right. Justin Bieber pulls out his wee-wee and pisses on a sleeping infant. That’s just what toddlers do when they’re jealous of the new baby. But I can assure you the headline up top about him and dad being total dicks on a plane is 100% true, because NBC News has obtained one doozy of a flight report.

According to the report, Justin and the Wild Kidz (that includes his dad, because he’s a fucking child) were repeatedly asked to stop smoking weed inside the cabin of their private jet. Eventually, the plane became thick with smoke and both pilots were forced to wear oxygen masks for the duration of the flight. Now, if this were a story about Snoop Dogg, we would chuckle to ourselves: “Oh Snoop, what kind of wacky hi-jinx will you get into next?” but this is a spoiled little kinder-shit, so it’s not funny. Plus, Snoop Dogg would never be accused of the next part:

“The captain also stated he needed to request that the passengers stop their harassing behavior toward the flight attendant and after several warnings asked the flight attendant to stay with him near the cockpit to avoid any further abuse.”

“The flight attendant stated the passengers, including Bieber and his father, Jeremy Bieber,” stated the report, “were extremely abusive verbally and she would not work another flight with them.”

Think about that for a second; Justin and his dad harassed a woman so much that she was unable to do her job. Most people in the service industry have to put up with an awful lot, so when you see someone throw their arms in the air and say “Fuck this, I’m out” it means shit got real. And that flight was only from Toronto to New Jersey; that’s like an hour. That means Justin Bieber can’t go 60 minutes without being an awful garbage person.

And I’d say “Pattie Mallette, NOW can you come get your son??” but I have a feeling she’s too busy writing her next book: I Fucked Up Bad, You Guys.

(Pic: Instagram)