Typically when someone decides they want to start fucking with alternative shit, the first thing into the trash is deodorant, followed shortly after by shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and regular tampons (which are replaced with those weird sea sponges for your cooter). And since Shailene Woodley is an out-and-proud nü-hippie, she definitely divorced her stick of Secret years ago. But according to Star Magazine, Shailene might want to find some kind of organic wildflower to press between her pits, because things aren’t so great in there:
“Shailene rubs these essential oils all over her body, and they aren’t very welcoming scents,” a source told Star magazine. “Her smell is totally offensive, and it’s gotten so bad that her stylist is having a hard time borrowing designer outfits for her to wear because she makes the gowns stink!”
“There is absolutely no way to get that stench out of those expensive fabrics,” says the insider. “Designers don’t want their pieces back after Shailene is done with them!”
When Shailene first started talking about how she’s a toothpaste-making berry-foraging vadge-sunning forest nymph, I made a little bet with myself (I have a gambling problem, whatever, acknowledge your demons) that she probably smelled like low-tide at the Jersey Shore, because there’s no way you can be down with the mother earth lifestyle and not have doo-doo pits. One time I had a weak moment in a health food store and I bought a stick of that crystal deodorant. I convinced myself that if I just gave my body time to adjust, I’d eventually smell like a beautiful summer sunset. Well, that crystal deodorant is a rock of LIES because I ended up reeking like a wet sasquatch. Forget the Wu-Tang Clan, hippie alternatives to deodorant ain’t nothing to fuck with.