Panty Creamer Of The Day: Matt Boner In A Tux At The Tonys

If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”

Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”

Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Idina Menzel, I Mean, Adele Dazeem, Sang “Let It Go” At The Oscars And Didn’t Seem Happy About It

If you were like me, then you probably didn’t pay close attention to Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go” at the Oscars last night because you were still slow clapping at Miss John Travolta trying to quiet down those rumors that he loves a little massage therapist peen on his tongue by mispronouncing Idina Menzel’s name. What kind of self-respecting musical theater queen fucks up the name of a Broadway star? I see you, Jorn Tromolto. Some people keep saying that we all need to stop, because John Travolta has Dyslexia. I’m pretty sure they’re confusing him with the other Scientology sweetheart Tommy Girl who would never screw up Idina Menzel’s name. The halls of the Scientology Celebrity Centre were filled with the gasps of the boys in the bath house who couldn’t believe that their grand dame committed an illegal gay act by mispronouncing a Broadway diva’s name and the forest was filled with the cries of the guinea pigs whose family members were killed to make John Travolta’s wig.

Even though John put her name through the shredder, Idina went on to perform, but something seemed off. She looked nervous and jittery and it seemed like she couldn’t wait to get out of there. She acted like John Travolta every time Kelly Preston got naked during the Scientology turkey baster ceremony to conceive one of their kids.

Someone on Facebook said that the music was too fast and Idina was obviously pissed about it at the end of her performance. Hmmm, I see what’s going on here. Travolta messed up her name and then the music plays too fast. That wig-torturing, Bonne Bell foundation-wearing evil bitch tried to sabotage Adele Dazeem! John Travolta is probably a crazed Chenoweth fangirl. Figures…

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bitch’s Wiglet Is Too Tight: The John Travolta Edition

Either the half-dead Papillon clinging to John Travolta’s head squeezed his skull too tight or he was busy thinking of massage therapist dick, because he royally messed up Idina Menzel’s name tonight. Scientology’s very own pretty, pretty princess introduced Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go” (which is what Travolta needs to do to that wig) at the Oscars tonight and he couldn’t have screwed up her name more than he did. A slurring drunk with a lisp would pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name better than Travolta pronounced Idina Menzel’s name. Hell, if Travolta had to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name, he probably would’ve cast some kind of spell on all of us and tomorrow we’d all be fingering a massage therapist’s b-hole.

ADELA DAZEEM? Xenu, please get your child a copy of Rosetta Stone: Broadway Stars Edition.

Taye Diggs And Idina Menzel Broke Up

Broadway will dim their lights for the rest of the week, because Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel announced that their marriage has probably taken its final bow and has exited stage left forfuckingever! And yes, I feel those blind items tapping me on the culito.

The 42-year-olds and parents to a son named Walker released a statement to everyone saying that after 10 years of marriage, they’re pressing pause on shit:

“Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs have jointly decided to separate at this time. Their primary focus and concern is for their son. We ask that you respect their privacy during this time.”

So now this weekend when you go to see a double feature of Frozen and The Best Man Holiday, you can scream “WHY? WHY? WHYYYY?” at the screen. This is all your fault, black women! Just kidding.

Not too long ago, I watched a video of Taye and Idina singing a song to a fan while waiting for their flight in an airport lounge and they didn’t look like their marriage was on the verge of crumbling and sliding down a hill, so this is kind of unexpected. But what I really want to know is, why does Taye Diggs always dress like he’s trying out to be a singing gondolier at The Venetian in Las Vegas?