Programming Note: Guest Bloggers & Holiday Crap

The Christmas angels in Chicago have given the Internet a holiday miracle this year and that miracle is called Jan Terri’s comeback! YAASSS! When you first walk through the broken gates of the Internet, you immediately see a welcome sign with Jan Terri’s “Losing You” video on it. Jan Terri is the soundtrack of our Internet lives. And after years of praying for her return, she is back with the perfect holiday song for you to sing to yourself while you’re three Lohans to the wind and locked in the bathroom to get away from your family. I’ll hum this song while cutting into a piece of holiday tiramisu at an Olive Garden in Rome. They have Olive Garden in Italy, right?

This year, my family decided to skip the giving presents shit and instead we’re really getting neck deep into the holiday spirit by torturing and annoying each other while traveling all around Italy for a week. I’ve already come up with a drinking game. Every time my sister asks if they have any gluten-free pasta, I’ll shoot myself. No, she’s not going to ask that, because she’s bringing her own (no joke). Anyway, I will still blog something every day, but while I’m seeing all the beautiful sights of Italy (examples: the alley way where Snooki passed out, the STD clinic built in The Situation’s name) seasoned Dlisted guest blogger Sweetas and J. Harvey, formerly of Socialite Life and currently of Manhunt Daily, will be filling in the fuckery for me. Sweetas will continue to write all the Charlize Theron fanfic you need and J. Harvey will fill the quota for b-hole jokes. Also, my friend Lahoma will be covering most of the Hot Sluts. Lahoma used to write for Dlisted back in the olden days when I was on Blogspot and he’s the one who came up with Hot Slut of the Day, so he’s the perfect piece of trash for the job.

Dlisted will return to its normally scheduled foolery on January 3rd.

And now I have to go and practice how to say “Oh no, officer, that’s just American oregano for my allergies…” in Italian. Merry Rojo Calientemas!

(Jan Terri’s Return via TGBHH)

Maria Files For The Big D, Is Not The Only One Bitch-Boom-Bye’d

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger‘s leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it’s been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K‘s Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I’m proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book “In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas”. Till then, I’ll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

Ode to Seinfeld

Since Michael K is not around to hold my hand (I tried to get him to hold my ass but there’s that whole “ew, GIRL” issue) and jacko is off doing God knows what (GOD knows jacko!! Jussayin!), I had to try to find something on the interwebs myself. I hit every site I could think of and came up with NADA. So this is a post about nothing. Cause that’s what I got, NOTHING.

You know, nothing is highly underrated. Nothing needs to get a little love now and then, just like the rest of us sluts. No one has caressed nothing’s nalgas since the 90s when Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airways, and that is a sad, sad thing. People are always ripping on nothing, saying hateful shit like “nothing is more pathetic than Paris Hilton.” WRONG and INSENSITIVE.

So nothing, let’s drown our sorrows together in booze and bong hits. You guys can consider this OP2, or ignore it, or whatever makes your man in the boat float. Nothing is sacred. Nothing really matters. It’s NOTHING to me!

If any of you sluts have a juicy tidbit to share, I’m all ears. Otherwise I’m gonna sit here doing NOTHING (rrrrrOOOOoowwwr!), and nothing is (not) going to stop me.

Programming Note: Welcome Dlisted’s Guest Bloggers For The Week!

The bad news is that the guest bloggers are not international supermodel Phoebe Price and her sidekick dog Henry. Chicken Cutlets’ daily schedule is already filled to the top with risking her life (if she queefed, that 76 would explode into the heavens) by posing with a gas pump at various Los Angeles-area gas stations. The good news is that the guest bloggers are two Dlisted commenters! But before we get into introductions, let me explain myself.

This week, my mom and auntie are visiting all the way from California. My mom has been to New York a million times and her idea of a vacation is sitting on my couch while lecturing me on everything from my diet (“You should drink grape seed extract in distilled water instead of sugar milk with a splash of Sanka in the morning“) to my exercise regime (“You should walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day instead of walking your fat, bloated fingers along the remote for 4 hours a night!”) Yes, my mother’s dream in life is to be Dr. Oz’s assistant of the day. Anyway, that’s my mom’s idea of a dream vacation, but thankfully for me it’s not my auntie’s.

My auntie wants to see all the shit that the tourists want to see. And I’ve agreed to be her guide! You know, because I’m so good at that. I’m so good at standing in a crowded elevator at the Empire State Building and loudly saying: “I’ve lived in New York City for almost 10 years and I’ve never been to the Empire State Building! Isn’t that funny. Again, I’ve lived here for TEN WHOLE YEARS. A DECADE. That’s 3,650 days if you aren’t familiar with the years measurement. Isn’t that crazy? Living in New York City, New York for TEN YEARS and never going to places that only tourists who don’t live in New York City, New York go! You know, because I’m not a tourist so it would kind of stupid for me to go to tourist places without relatives like you who are tourists. Oh, is that my phone ringing? It’s probably my New York City accountant who is calling to remind me to pay my New York State taxes next April because I’m a resident of New York City.”

So yeah, I’ll be doing a lot of that and won’t be covering the status of Kim Kardashian’s bleached asshole as much. But fear fucking not, two escapees from the Dlisted comment asylum will have you covered! And they are:

Sweetas – Sweetas in Latin does not stand for “sweet ass” as you might expect. It stands for “pickled anus,” because she’s as funny as she is drunk.

Jack-N-The-Hat – Jack hails to us from the wonderful state of The Fuck If I Know. Jack’s Dlisted name always reminds me of Jack in the Box, which reminds me of a Sourdough Jack. And just like a Sourdough Jack, this Jack is full of processed meat, covered in bread and will give you the hard shits if you swallow him too fast. But Jack is the classier Jack in the Box, because he’s got a hat instead of a box. If your pussy is too good, refer to it as a “hat” instead of a “box.” The term “box” is only reserved for bougie pussies.

Sweetas and Jack be here all week! I’ll also be posting in the morning and sometimes throughout the day, but they’ll cover most of the hard hitting stories (see: Kim Kardashian’s bleached asshole). Please give them the love and respect you give me on a daily basis. And yes, by “love and respect,” I mean a lot of boos, made up coupons for Grammar School and pictures of kittens and peens (But not pictures of kitten peens, because that would just be over the line! Or would it?).