Would You Hit It?

That scent of strawberry shampoo and unattainable dreams wafting into your right nostril is from Amy Adams’ 80s hair commercial hair and that scent of Pierre Cardin cologne and a dried cum stain on a Little Trees wafting into your left nostril is coming from Christian Bale. Amy Adams and Christian Bale are currently in Boston to shoot David O. Russell’s newest Oscar-bait movie about the Abscam operation.

I refuse to believe that Christian Bale put on a bald cap and a comb over wig to look like a sleazy stereotypical used car salesman who jacks into the glove compartment of every car he’s selling and who’s been kicked out of every Waffle House in the area for giving the shocker to all of their waitresses. That isn’t a hairpiece on Christian’s head. Christian doesn’t fake shit. Christian made his scalp stop growing hair with HIS MIND, or he yelled at his follicles in the mirror until they got so scared that they stopped growing hair.

And yes, I’d hit it on the vinyl seats in the back of a Chevy Caprice. There’s something about a sleaze ball who keeps his shirt and tie on during fuck times and throws his tie over his shoulder when he’s about to hit it from the back.

Something To Make Your Frozen Heart Melt And Drip Out Of Your Body

Christian Bale continued to spread his niceness around the other day when he called up Zach Guillot, an 8-year-old boy with leukemia, and spoke to him for 8 minutes about Batman and other stuff. Zach’s family recorded the conversation and put it on his Facebook page. You’ll be even more impressed with this when I tell you that during this call, Christian Bale put a PA in a headlock, drop kicked a light, wrote a 9-page “we’re fucking done professionally” letter to the Director of Cinematography on his current movie, growled at his mom, told his sister to eat a bowl of dicks in sign language and then served his sister an actual bowl of dicks. Is there anything Christian Bale can’t do?

Source: Batman-News via Gawker

Christian Bale Visits The Victims Of The Aurora Shooting

There was a huge campaign on Tumblr, and I think Facebook too, asking Christian Bale to visit the victims in the Aurora shooting dressed as fucking Batman! Out of all the things the victims need, seeing Batman in their hospital doorway, even if he is carrying a bouquet of carnations, is probably not one of them. Just a guess. So thankfully, when Christian Bale did an awesome thing today by visiting the victims, he left his Batman mask in the closet.

TheDenverChannel says Christian didn’t want to turn this into a huge STUNT QUEEN situation, so he rode to the hospital in an ambulance to keep the media from finding out. Christian showed up to the hospital at around 2 this afternoon and spent around two and a half hours hanging out with several victims including Carey Rottman, who posted this picture with Christian on Facebook. Warner Bros. said that Christian went on his own and he wasn’t there representing the studio.

Well, this was a completely amazing thing of Christian Bale to do and makes me feel all warm in the chest area, and I usually only get that feeling when my laptop overheats on my chest while I’m watching porn. I know some of us are fans of Christian’s bitchy on-set meltdowns, so don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be back to screaming his tonsil skin off at an assistant director by this time… Wait, what time is it? Oh yeah, he’s probably back on the set and screaming  “OH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOU“ at an assistant director right now. A crazy with a heart, that Christian.

Tom Hardy Finally Pruned His Beard And Other Tricks From The Dark Knight Rises Premiere

The Dark Knight Rises (aka Batman Takes A Viagra) premiere went down in NYC last night and cam whore turned action star Tom Hardy came out with his piece Charlotte Riley and a freshly manicured and groomed beard. Tom Hardy’s beard used to look like it was harvested on (NSFW) Demi Moore’s pussy, so thankfully he cut that shit on Christian Bale’s razor sharp cheek bones. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bushy face shrub that can exfoliate your thighs while polishing your labias, but his newly pruned beard really makes them dick sucking lips pop. Those lips are so luscious that he can practically give you a quick beej just by puckering at you from across the room.

So Christian Bale was also there last night, DUH, with his wife Sandra and so was Anne Hathaway. Let’s stop at Anne for a second. Anne’s Sandy Duncan ass haircut sometimes looks good and other times, like this time, it makes her look like Cesar Romero in a touring production of Peter Pan. Moving on… Also there was Marion Cotillard (as a swollen eyed swan… beware of orange eyeshadow), Cillian Murphy, the hottest bitch on the carpet Gary Oldman with his wife Alexandra, Morgan Freeman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt who recently offended pretty women by saying that pretty women aren’t funny. JGL needs to get an eyeball transplant, because there’s a million women who are both pretty and funny. I mean, what about the most beautiful and funniest woman on the planet Carrot Top? The audacity of some bitches.

In Case You Missed It, The Dark Knight Rises Trailer

The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read “Dark Knight released”). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he’s done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I’m also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she’s putting on makes her sound like she’s got a hairball stuck in her froat and she’s about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode.

And you know, more people should say, “There’s a storm coming” at the beginning of trailers, because that’s not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I’d go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it’s going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we’re all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella.

The Dark Knight Rises Trailer Is Here

The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there’s no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate….

Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There’s a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin’ at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.

And that Bane trick needs to do more “red leather, yellow leather” exercises, because I can’t even pretend to know what he’s saying.

via DS