Christian Bale And China Are Fucking Done, Professionally

With a CNN camera crew at his side and his foolery meter set somewhere in between BRAVE BITCH, STUNT QUEEN and No Fucks to Give, Christian Bale tried to visit detained human rights activist Chen Ghuangcheng. And by “tried to visit” I don’t mean that Christian Bale glided in on his batwings, landed on Chen’s roof and stealthily slipped in through a chimney. Christian tried to use the front door, so you already know how that went.

Christian Bale was in China to promote his movie The Flowers of War, and wanted to drop in on the 40-year-old blind activist who has been locked up in his house ever since he was released from prison last year after serving time for damaging property during a protest. As Christian and CNN walked up the road to Chen’s small village, they were stopped by guards who refused to let them pass. At this point, Christian could’ve made the guards explode into outrage by bringing up Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and quietly snuck past them as their minds boggled inside of their heads. But Christian didn’t go with tactic, and instead he asked the guards “Why can’t we visit this free man?” Err. This is the point in the video game where your Xbox360 controller starts vibrating and you should run the other way.

The guards started punching at Christian’s camera and he and the crew ran back to their car. The guards weren’t through with them and chased them for 40 minutes. When they finally knocked those hos off their trail, Christian had a moment in the car:

“What I really wanted to do was to meet the man, shake his hand and say what an inspiration he is. I’m not brave doing this. The local people who are standing up to the authorities, who are visiting Chen and his family and getting beaten or detained, I want to support them.”

There are many things you really don’t mess with like a chihuahua gnawing on a bone, Tommy Girl’s Scientohole gnawing on a man bone (the little troll will cut you good), Jessica Simpson gnawing on a Kandy Kake, but if there’s one thing you really don’t mess with it’s Chinese security guards. But since Christian Bale decided that he is the one to fuck with Chinese security guards, I wish he would’ve went all the way by trashing some lights and calling all of them unprofessional assholes before stomping off to his trailer.

I Am Catwoman, Hear Me Yawn

Looking like any random sorority girl going to a Halloween party in a DIY Catwoman costume she made in 10 minutes using a cat ear headband from Claire’s, a Zorro mask from Ricky’s, her auntie’s old Wilson’s Leather jumpsuit and pleather boots she bought at DSW, Anne Hathaway made the alley pussies purr out a “meh” when she hit the set of The Dark Knight Rises with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Downtown L.A. yesterday. If you’ve got a cat in heat that is keeping you up with her midnight calls for pussy dick, don’t reach for the Q-tip, just show her these pictures instead. Bitch’s pussy will go from hot to cold in zero seconds. This is the opposite of cat scratch fever.

We’ve only seen pictures of Anne in Selina Kyle drag, so I know it’s unfair of me to say that her Catwoman will be about as sexy as the sight of my dog nibbling on a litter box cat cookie (Note to scat-loving zoophiles: that comment does not apply to you), but have I ever been fair? I mean, if this bitch came at you in a dark alley, the first thing you’d say would be: “Why is Batgirl meowing?”

I know Christopher Nolan is going for a Julie Newmar look, but I’ve always been told that when you want a Julie Newmar look, you should just get Julie Fucking Newmar herself. Even Batman can’t take this sad mess seriously.

Melissa Leo Is Sorry For Dropping That F-Bomb On Your Innocent Ears

After watching Melissa Leo’s acceptance speech at the Oscars last night for the third time, it seems like she practiced it for hours beforehand in front of the bathroom mirror in her hotel suite and made her assistant shine a flashlight at her in lieu of a spotlight. When Melissa looked up at the “little people” in the balcony with the same wide-eyed look I throw when there’s a 9-inch peen in front of me (in my dreams), I thought Toto was going to scamper out on stage and she’d break into an acoustic version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” If those kids didn’t claim that song for the finale, she would’ve. Laying it on thick! Seriously, Melissa is like the mobile park version of Mindy Grayson.

Before snatching the walking apparatus from a fragile and precious invalid (aka Kirk Douglas), Melissa shot the fuck word at the audience. ABC hit the ‘THINK OF THE CHILDREN” button and so it was bleeped out for TV, but here’s the uncensored clip below:

Kathie Lee Gifford, who is forever the epitome of grace and class, couldn’t believe that Melissa would spit out such filth during her big moment. To which I say, why the fuck not! a) Sometimes our internal emotions are percolating so much that the only way to get them out is through the letters F-U-C-K. b) A fuck gets more attention than a no fuck.

Melissa apologized later backstage saying that she was so overcome with emotion: “I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Just slipped out. I was a little excited.”

Fun fact: That little quote is the exact same thing Kevin Spacey said after pulling down his fly in front of Jake Gyllenhaal backstage.

But Melissa should really apologize for wearing your memaw’s favorite Easter doily table runner under your old Christmas wrapping.

Here’s more of Melissa Leo’s crazy ass as well as the other acting winners from last night (click here for the full list if you haven’t already memorized it).