A Truly Beautiful Picture In Every Way

After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty’s McDonald’s iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I’d like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They’re important!

(Thanks Yasmine)

Where Is His Gorgeous Cholita Mother?

Danny Noriega, the MiserAlba look-alike from American Idol, has unleashed a new video to the world and it’s a homemade wreck! Do DOS machines still exist, because this shit might have been made on one. Aw. I shouldn’t say that. This wasn’t homemade. I’m sure it was shot at the finest music video booth Six Flags has to offer. The effects are spellbinding. Danny’s video features every standard MS Windows screensaver. That has to be a first.

Who is this Diamonique person? I bet you her real name is Crystal and she’s a part-time “sales associate” at Wet Seal. Danny had to let her be in the video, because she provided the wardrobe. You know how that goes. But Danny made one huge mistake. Where is his gorgeous cholita mother? Everything Diamonique did (or didn’t) do, Danny’s gorgeous cholita mother could have done better! When are her perfect eyebrows going to get their time in the spotlight?

As for the song, I’m so glad this didn’t come out when I was 16. I would’ve been bobbing my ass to this at the all-ages club thinking I was it.

VIA Vote For The Worst

Bitch Got Flour Bombed In The Face

Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.

The thing is. This shit could’ve been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would’ve looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.

Here’s more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.

But She Has So Much Going For Her….

This is 23-year-old Christina Raines, the new fiancee of Drew Peterson. Most of you bitches know, but Drew is the 54-year-old piece of trash with a head like a walrus’ ass who is a suspect in his fourth wife’s disappearance and whose third wife suspiciously died in a bath tub.

This is what I don’t understand. Why would Christina put her gorgeous chola eyebrows in any kind of danger? She obviously loves them like a Hostess fruit pie. It’s obvious that she spends hours in front of her magnifying mirror with tweezers, an eyeliner pencil and a lighter. I know I talk about how cholas love their Sharpies, but classy ones, like the kinds I hung around, melted the tip of an eyeliner pencil with a lighter and used that to apply their gorgeous eyebrows. That shit is an art! Cholitas put razors in their hair just in case someone tried to fuck with their amazing eyebrow work!

Not only does Christina have magnificent brows, but she also is a waitress at T.G.I. Fridays! She must get a discount on Mudslides or some shit, right? Why would you want to fuck with your discount? I’m being serious.

Hopefully, the power from her beautiful eyebrows eventually wakes her the fuck up.

Source

(Thanks Jennifer)

Kellie Pickler Needs A Chola Makeover

Kellie Pickler’s bare ass face is begging for a gorgeous chola makeover! Kellie reminds me of this white girl in junior high school who hung out with all my cholita friends. Her name was Rebecca, but she made everyone call her ass Ricca (pronounced Ree-ca). She was stunning. She had the Sharpie eyebrows, black lip liner, slick backed hair, oversized Dickies, wife beater, the whole thing… Ricca even painted a tear under her eye to look extra hardcore.

She showed us a scar and said she got it from a knife fight. Ha. We later found out it was just an appendix scar. Dumb bitch! Anyway, Kellie reminds me of her ass. Without make-up, Kellie has major period face, but with just a few Sharpie lines over her eyes and lips, she can be a gorgeous chola beauty!

Below is a preliminary sketch of the chola beauty Kellie can become. Don’t be jealous of these Photoshop skills. She’s already a million times more glamorous!

Here’s Kellie leaving for Iraq from DC today. Kellie probably had a really deep conversation with Obama. Nobody tell her that the Obama she bonded with is made out of cardboard.

Gorgeous Mug Shots Of The Day

Last week The Smoking Gun displayed a bevy of gorgeous mug shots, but these two stopped my mouse dead in its track because of their serious eyebrow game. I bet you the beauty above didn’t even do anything wrong. She was just walking the streets, being hot, when a police officer became mesmerized by her glamour and realized a chola beauty like this should not go undocumented. Her mug shot could be on the cover of Vogue, Elle, Seventeen or a package of Sharpies. Ty Ty Banks needs to stop filming the next season of “America’s Next Top Model,” because I already found her winner right here.

And I’m sure the bitch below was arrested for attack with a deadly gorgeous eyebrow. His nose and mouth are trying to run off his face, because they know that they can’t compete with those exquisite eyebrows.

Thanks MO