The Queen Of Halloween Does It Again

The Heidi Klum you see on Project Runway and those pube-pulling annoying Jordache commercials is actually an animatronic robot with a German accent. Because on November 1st, the real Heidi Klum hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Ensure, slides into a make-up chair/toilet and spends the next 364 days getting into prosthetics and make-up for the next Halloween. For some of us, Halloween is just another holiday where we can drunkenly run the streets in nothing but a crotch patch and nipple tassels without getting arrested. But for Heidi Klum, Halloween IS life!

For her Halloween party in NYC last night, the HallowQueen memaw-fied herself, and she says that she went as an old lady, but I’m pretty sure she went as a SANS FARDS and SANS BOTOX Lindsay Lohan. Heidi nailed it as always. Heidi can HAHAHAHA at her turkey jerky neck and all the memaw spots on her face, because bitch is never going to look like this. Because in Hollywood, “aging gracefully,” involves getting your body reupholstered and replacing all the blood in your veins with fillers.

And I waited to post these, because I wanted to include the open letter that AARP will eventually write to Heidi. Because OLDFACE is not funny. Memaws and pepaws are people. They are not costumes! But I’m guessing they haven’t written that letter yet, because they’re still sleeping off their hangovers. They all spent their Halloween night doing Metamucil and vodka shots off of each other’s turkey necks.

Here’s more of Memaw Heidi and other hos at her Halloween party.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bethenny Frankel And Jason Hoppy Are Both Acting Extremely Mature And Reasonable During Their Divorce

Disclaimer: Several handfuls of calorie-packed sarcasm flakes were sprinkled all over that headline before I hit the publish button.

Seen here carrying the dried shell of his nutsack that Bethenny Frankel used to let him hold to remember happier days, Jason Hoppy is scratching back at Castle Grayskull’s daytime line cook and has declared war. When the reality shit show star and alcohol-ruiner filed for divorce from Jason Hoppy  earlier this month, she sharpened her extra pointy clavicle bone and shanked him with it by asking for child support, primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Bryn and their $5 million Tribeca apartment (which looks like this). Bethenny also wants Jason to pay for her and Bryn’s medical and dental expenses. Normally, when the terrifying plastic skeleton of the Joker jumps you in a dark alley and demands your money and throws its medical bills at you, you give them your money and you pay their medical bills on time, but Jason is fighting back.

TMZ says that Jason has responded to Bethenny’s divorce petition and he wants everything she wants. Basically, Jason’s new lawyer Jill Zarin (yes, Jill Zarin got her law degree online just so she can get back at her arch rival Bethenney) copied Bethenny’s divorce papers, but wrote Jason’s name over Bethenny’s name and wrote Bethenny’s name over Jason’s name.

Bethenny wants primary custody of their kid and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants their $5 million apartment and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants child support and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants her ex to pay for her medical and dental bills and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants to be co-beneficiary, along with her daughter, of her ex’s life insurance policy and so does Jason.

Jason also wants Bethenny to pay for his lawyer and accountant.

According to the completely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com, Bethenny is worth $25 million and Jason is worth $5 million. Bethenny and Jason made a lot of their money while together and they also made that kid together, so you’d think they’d just split everything down the middle, but they’re reality shit show stars so they have to do everything extra.

I would side with Bethenny, because again, you don’t mess with the plastic skeleton of the Joker, but I just can’t. I can’t side with a trick who ruins alcohol. Her SkinnyGirl margarita tastes like the piss of a rotten lime if the rotten lime ate asparagus right before pissing. It barely has any alcohol too. Powerade gives me a stronger buzz than that ShittyGirl crap does. That being said, should Bethenny not get primary custody of her daughter just because she can’t make a margarita right? Does being a margarita-ruiner make her a bad mother. Of course no… Yes, yes, it does.

And I’m also slowly sliding over to Jason’s side, because every time I read Jason’s last name, I think of my favorite scene in Joy Luck Club when Auntie Lindo looks at her daughter through the salon mirror and says, “You make me hoppy.” And that makes me hoppy.