Madge Has Let Go Of Baby Brahim’s Toddler Leash Forever

On a sad, mournful morning recently, Baby Brahim threw all of the fancy trinkets and toys that Madge bought him onto a Radio Flyer wagon and rolled it down the street away from her multi-million dollar townhouse as his nannies squirted out a single tear of sadness. After 3 years of giggling every time Baby Brahim pooped out a turd during night time bath times and bonding during bottle feeding, Madge has broken up with him. It’s always a sad day when the expiration date on a boy toy’s ass cheek comes up.

The Daily Mail says that they broke up, because 55-year-old Madge is busy being Madge in NYC and 25-year-old Brahim is doing the French version of Dancing with the Stars in France. Madge’s spokeswhore confirms to Gossip Cop that they’re done, but wouldn’t say why. We can all assume Madge dumped his ass, because after 3 years of talking about nothing but herself in between fucking and asking him, “What’s your name again?“, bitch got bored.

And there’s no need for parents to Madge-proof their 20-something sons by handcuffing them to the bed before covering them with freshly bloomed hydrangeas. Because there’s a rumor that Madge is making the Illuminati overlords cream by bumping wrinkled crotches with Sean Penn again. The second coming of Sean Penn and Madge might be upon us! The only way to stop this is to get her another boy toy. Somebody needs to sacrifice their son to stop this!

Madge Crosses Her Claws For An Oscar Nom And We All Know How That Turned Out

At last night’s NYC premiere of the soon-to-be Razzie sweeper W.E., Madge told reporters that she was crossing her fingers and hoping that the academy would be so fearful of her wrath that they’d throw a bunch of nominations at her. Cut to this morning when she woke up in her coffin with a giant bouquet of hydrangeas on top and a note from the academy that read: Thanks, but no thanks. Okay, okay, technically W.E. was nominated for an Oscar (for Best Costume), so I guess the male members of the academy are still a little scared that Madge will crawl up into their beds at night, rip their nutsacks out with one bite and then replace the heads on the Oscar trophies with their gold-plated huevos.

For once, I can’t really make fun of the shit that Madge wore to her premiere last night (or the shit she wore while escorting Baby Brahim to his nursery for bedtime). Bitch looks like the evil queen double fisting two tutu-wearing ballerinas. It’s totally appropriate! Speaking of fisting, I also can’t make fun of Madge’s (DO NOT CLICK ON THAT NSFL LINK!!!) veiny testicle hands for once. I thought about it and if I was ever in the market for a silicone fist, I’d buy one modeled after Madge’s hand. Four words: Veiny For Your Pleasure. I mean, John Travolta so wants to make sweet love to Madge’s hand right now.

Baby Brahim Is Just Checking

The sea creatures of the South of France got a taste of piss from one of Madge’s babies yesterday when they just couldn’t hold it and had to make a pee in the Mediterranean Sea (SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t Rocco, Mercy, Lourdes or David). At least I think Baby Brahim is trying to pinch his pee pee hole in that picture above. Or maybe he’s checking to make sure that Madge’s vadge only swallowed one huevo during the youth sucking ceremony from the night before. Probably the latter.

Madge took her entire family of BABIES!!! to Eden Roc yesterday and watched as they frolicked in the sea in their bathing suits while she was pretty much covered from the neck down. You can laugh all you want at how Madge is covering up her carcass the same way a fat kid covers up his titties during P.E. pool hour, but she is a damn genius.

You didn’t think a vampire cougar could openly laugh at the sun like that. That vampire cougar don’t care. The hardened mask of creamed fetuses over her face and that weird bathing outfit is making the sun her bitch. Try her, Antonia Gavilán de Logroño! Try her! I swear, Vampire Beehl could learn a thing or twenty from this bitch.

Lindsay Lohan Is Suing Pitbull

The E*Trade babies should slap themselves in their baby faces for creating a crack monster of delusion who thinks she can spit a stupid lawsuit at anybody who mentions her name. Last year, E*Trade settled with Lindsay Lohan for an “unspecified sum” after she sued them for naming a milkaholic baby “Lindsay.” Then White Oprah humped the L on delusional hard when she threatened to sue Glee for calling her freckled coke bag of a skank daughter “crazy.” And now TMZ reports that Blohan is sinking her greasy troll claws into Pitbull for using her name in his song Give Me Everything. The lyrics goes like this:

Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

Blohan has been in jail more times than she’s been on a movie set, so that line is the truth. You and I see it, but then again we’re not a dumb-brained skeezer who keeps finding ways to sink to a new level of pathetic. (Although, I’m probably in no place to say that since I just ate a raw Top Ramen in one sitting.)

Blohan’s reason for why she says Pitbull is defaming her good name is going to go down in history as one of the most classic jokes of our time:

Lindsay is pissed, claiming in her lawsuit … “the lyrics, by virtue of its wide appeal, condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements by the defendants about the plaintiff are destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff.”

Lindsay, who claims in the lawsuit she is “a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.

Lindsay alleges the appearance of her name in the song “causes [Lindsay] to be associated and identified in connection with defendants.”

“A professional actor of good repute.” How is this bitch not head writer of The Onion?

The only bitch Lindsay Lohan should sue for defaming Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan (“Can I do that?” – Lindsay Lohan). Bitch is defaming herself. But if acting like a desperate fool is paying her bar tab, then sue on, sue on, I guess.

Sooner or later, she’s going to run out of hos to sue and she’s going to have to suck new age hippie dick under a bridge to get her sea jasper fix like all the other quartz whores out there.