It’s Always That Work Bitch

You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece’s job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you’re trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they’d been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.

An insider named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70’s Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I’d like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we’re talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.

Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.

You Might Want To Log Out Of Twitter: Ashton And Demi Possibly Back Together

Demi Moore recovered from her Whip-Its overdose. Ashton Kutcher realized he made mistakes. They both privately realized that the interest over his cheating, their split, and her meltdown had faded AND SOMETHING NEEDED TO BE DONE. So they’re giving off signs that they’re getting back together. Hopefully Twitter knows enough to slit UP its wrists and not across.

Radar says that @aplusk and the former @mrskutcher attended the birthday party of one of their Kabbalah leaders, Rabbi Yehuda Berg. While there, they shared an “emotional 60-second embrace”. Come now. Demi was just searching his pockets to see if he was holding, and Ashton was just dry-humping. Dude will stick his goofy dick anywhere. Apparently, they chatted for awhile and Demi was said to be staring at him like “a love-sick puppy”. We can all sign off on the “sick” part.

During the party, guests stood up to speak about how awesome the rabbi is (sounds like a good time) and Ashton is said to have started regretting shit when he got up.

Ashton gave a speech at Kabbalah Rabbi Yehuda Berg’s 40th birthday party and teared up when he said “I’ve made all these horrendous mistakes in the last year.”

A guest at the party said “Ashton’s voice started to break as he spoke. He just fell into tears. He sat down to a round of applause while Demi just looked frozen.”

The “mistakes” he was talking about include fucking a slut on his sixth anniversary without having her sign a NDA first, and not being there to Tweet pics of Demi seizing after Redi-Whip overpowered her. Demi wasn’t “frozen”, that’s just her face.

If they DO get back together, can Ashton handle the bathroom bikini photoshoot duties this time? Sit down, Ma.

…The Hell Does This Have To Do With Chips?

There must be some kind of mind-altering chemical in Popchips, because they somehow decided that a good way to spend their marketing budget is to make some dumbass viral starring human douche bottle Ashton Kutcher as a bunch of characters including an Indian dude (complete with brownface and Mike Myers’ Love Guru accent), a British hippie type and an albino vampire I know isn’t supposed to be Kunty Karl. This shit is not only a mess, but Ashton’s brownface is offending lots and lots and lots of people. A spokeswhore for Popchips tells The Hollywood Reporter that they aren’t trying to offend and they love snackers of all races ( <– THE FUCK?):

“The new popchips worldwide dating video and ad campaign featuring four characters was created to provoke a few laughs and was never intended to stereotype or offend anyone. At popchips we embrace all types of shapes, flavors and colors, and appreciate all snackers, no matter their race or ethnicity. We hope people can enjoy this in the spirit it was intended.”

Let me try to put this as eloquently as I can… Fuck Popchips for tasting like freeze dried Styrofoam popcorn. Fuck this ad for being this ad and having Ashton Kutcher in it. Fuck Ashton Kutcher for being Ashton Kutcher and for thinking he can duplicate the Death Eaters glamour of Kunty Karl. And fuck that adorable chihuahua for using its extra long tongue to lick on that nasty ass Popchip.

Mila Kunis Doesn’t Want You To Know That She’s Humping On Ashton Kutcher

Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That ’70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We’re just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they’re totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila:

“He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I’m not surprised by this – at all.”

Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he’s hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks.

Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher?
Mila: No, we’re just friends. This best friends forever half-heart pendant is from him and he’s wearing the other half. Fuck buddies do not give each other BFF half-heart pendants. That’s gross.

Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy?
Mila: Because I gargle with Massengill. If it’s good enough for my vagina, it’s good enough for my mouth.

Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton’s peen in your mouth.
Mila: Talk about getting blown (no pun intended) out of proportion! We were having a sleepover and I forgot to bring my toothbrush. As a good friend, Ashton knows how much I care about dental hygiene, so he put Crest on his peen and let me brush my teeth with it. Do you expect me to use his toothbrush? Gross again!

Seriously, if you don’t admit it, it didn’t happen! And here’s a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn’t Mila Kunis. I’m only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton’s sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies.

Demi Moore Is Divorcing @mrskutcher Too

After spending weeks trying to get her shit together in rehab and another few weeks on vacation from rehab, Demi Moore is back on the prowl in more ways that one. Lock up your bathroom mirrors, bikinis, Four Loko stash, bath salts and anything else your midwestern suburban teen daughter might get into when it’s teacher’s day at school and she’s home by herself. The former sunshine walker came out last night for the premiere party for some talk show she’s executive producing for Lifetime called The Conversation. Demi also returned to her position as Twitter’s oversharing and philosophical mom. Yes, Deep Thoughts (And Random Bathroom Bikini Phoot Shoots) with Demi Moore is back. Demi told all of her followers that she’s officially breaking up with her Twatter handle and is looking for a new name:

Time for a change, twitter name change… any suggestions?

collecting all the suggestions! thank you. keep them coming!!

@offthekutch? @pleasenomooreofyouinadamnbathroombikini? @kabbalahbabe (Oh, fuck my fingers off, she’s totally going to choose that one)?

All is right again. Demi is back on the ho stroll, she’s back on Twitter and you’re back to caring more about the aromatic undertones of your own farts than what Demi writes on Twitter. The world can continue to pirouette!

Here’s more of Demi with Joy Bryant, Chupa, the editor of InStyle, Amanda De Cadanet and Kelly Preston (wearing one of John Travolta’s costumes from Hairspray) at the party for The Conversation in Beverly Hills last night. The last time we saw Demi, she looked like the star of Oxygen’s remake of The Walking Dead and now she’s definitely looking a lot healthier, so I won’t comment on how I really want her to teabag me with her cheeks.

iBarf

When Variety pushed out the news yesterday that the piece of mutant dick cheese known as Ashton Kutcher is going to play Steve Jobs in an indie biopic, everyone assumed that the first of April was just yanking the Internet’s dick one last time. But it’s the morning after and Variety still hasn’t dropped a J/K on our asses. It’s true and now the Apple fanboys can officially shit out their iButtplugs over this mess.

AssStain will follow-up his multi-layered emotional performances in New Year’s Eve and No Strings Attached with the Steve Jobs biopic called JOBS, which starts shooting this May. Jobs will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern and it will follow Steve Jobs’ road to Apple and beyond. Sony is currently working on their own Steve Jobs biopic.

If you ask Siri why the ground above Steve Jobs’ grave is mulching itself today, she will bring up this story before playing “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” on your iTunes. I know Ashton looks like a young Steve Jobs in the face, but so does my weekend weed man and he didn’t get cast in this shit. Was Noah Wylie (aka the only movie Steve Jobs we need in this world) not available or something?!

But this isn’t totally bad news, though. If this mess doesn’t go straight to Flash and actually gets a marketing budget, it will have posters in the subway. Think of all the beautiful things you can write over Ashton’s face with a Sharpie in front of the word JOBS.