Lindsay Lohan Punched A Woman Over This

TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.

UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany’s purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would’ve stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she’s trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.

Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the “cunt” when she’s high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn’t let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.

And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn’t One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo’s drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn’t exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn’t LiLo or Tiffany.

This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin’ over some dick that she’s never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don’t even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would’ve asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven’t even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.

Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that’s 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!

Here’s Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.

“I Am Scatwoman, Hear Me Fart!”

On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she’ll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris’ hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami.

Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago.

In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I’m sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim’s ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night.

The Deadliest Snatch

Carrying her urine sample for a chlamydia test, Kim Kartrashian showed up to Midori’s Halloween party in NYC last night dressed up like a rotten fish that needs to be thrown back into the sea. That green skull is reacting the same way I react when I see that Kim has suffocated her Mount Doom ass under ten layers of Spanx and sparkly scales that match the sparkly scales on Gay Fish’s dirt star. Kim used a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag blond wig from a discount Halloween store to make her plastic face look even more like a Scream mask that was dipped in lead-based bronze paint. Bitch’s face is making a stop off in Giuliana Rancic-ville before it goes full Wildenstein.

Apparently, Kim is supposed to be Daryl Hannah in Splash. This makes sense, because in the Director’s Cut of Splash, while Darryl Hannah is lying in bath tub, Tom Hanks comes in and pisses all over her tail.

Gay Fish is supposed to be some kind of boat captain, but fool looks more like a Kennedy on Labor Day (shading Taylor Swift?) or like Blaine from Glee or an assistant manager at a Talbots outlet. Kim and Kanye obviously went with a theme this year. The theme being that they both look like cold shit.

Wonky McValtrex Says That Most Gays Are Disgusting And Have AIDS

When Parasite Hilton is in the back of a car, she usually only opens her mouth to lazily suck on the random dick next to her, but on September 7th in NYC, she opened her mouth to give her thoughtful opinion on gay dudes. Just like how she gave her thoughtful opinion on black dudes.

Radar says that Wonky and her friend, who’s gay, were in the back of a cab and the driver secretly recorded them shitting at the mouth about Grindr. The piece of stank trash got famous from getting dicked on night vision said that gay dudes are the horniest people in the world (cut to me making a guilty face while closing all my browser tabs with porn sites on ’em) and most probably have AIDS. Yeah, go ahead and file this under: This is RICH coming from GlaxoSmithKline’s #1 Valtrex supplier.

If your brain burped up a question mark at the name “Grindr,” Grindr is an app that some gay dudes use to find other nearby gay dudes to fuck on. It’s also an app people can use to see the only men in the world that Wonky hasn’t fucked for an 8-ball. Wonky’s friend was showing her how Grindr works and that made her queef up these words of wisdom:

“Ewww! Eww. To get fucked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world…. I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS.”

You know, I sort of know how Wonky feels. I would be so scared if I were Wonky McValtrex, because you’re like, already dead inside. But the most hilarious part is how Wonky’s rep tried to spin it.

Paris Hilton’s comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gayfriend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone’s sexual orientation.

Okay, so gays aren’t disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING, because when I want to know what’s “disgusting,” I ask a dumb trollop skank who regularly hangs out with Brandon “Fat Elvis” Davis. But now that this dingle-brained talking used condom has reminded us that she exists by leaking this recording, we can go back to forgetting about her and I can go and reopen all those porn site tabs.

And go to Radar if the YouTube above doesn’t work.

Don’t You Hate It When A Naked Crazy Trick Breaks Into Your House And Starts Fapping On Your Floor?

Bam Margera, one of the humanized scabs from Jackass, has probably been woken up by all sorts of not-so-fresh fuckery like blow horns in his ears, monkey farts in his nostrils and man piss on his face, but last night he was woken up a nekkid ass nekkid crazy bitch who started kissing on him in his bed. Before you shout “So that’s what my mom was doing last night!” the crazy girl is 24-years-old.

Every damn night Mel Gibson prays to God to drop a naked, horny young trick into his bed to blow him before Jacuzzi, so Mel’s prayer must’ve somehow been accidentally filed in Bam Margera’s prayer box instead. That sound you hear is Mad Mel screaming at God up in the sky for granting his wish to the wrong bitch.

TMZ says that right after the crazy naked bitch woke Bam up by kissing on him, he must’ve had a moment of clarity and realized only the craziest crazy of skanky skanky bitches would crawl into HIS bed. Because instead of giving her some kisses back, he threw the crazy off of him and called 911. While he was on the phone with 911, the crazy bitch added even more layers of slimy crazy by getting on the floor to do herself with her hand. Once Bam hung up with the police, he kicked that her out of his house. The police later caught her in the area around Bam’s house. Bitch could be charged with burglary, criminal trespassing and stalking, and for some reason she wasn’t charged with sexual assault and vandalizing carpet with her coochie juices.

THE HELL is right. Either this crazy bitch was a maenad on the wrong stuff or we’re going to learn on the next Jackass movie that this was really Johnny Knoxville in a wig and a rubber pussy on his crotch.

What In The Pennywise Meets Ganguro Hell?

Somebody please dig a shallow and comfortable grave in Diana Ross’ backyard, because she’s going to need a soft place to roll in as soon as she sees these pictures of delusional shit stain Kim Kardashian paying homage to her in a shoot she did with Hype Williams a while ago. Kim said on her Celebuzz blog that she’s channeling Diana Ross, but ho needs to stop, because: a) The only Ross this flop ass heffa can successfully channel is Rick Ross; and b) Bitch looks more like she’s channeling a trans clown Real Doll that was filled with Xtina’s queefs.

This deluded hag probably thinks she looks like a sleeping disco beauty, but this mess looks like fake crime scene photos straight out of an episode of CSI: Chernobyl. Those dead hooker poses go perfectly with her dead soul.

And about that make-up job…

Can we even call that a make-up job? It looks like somebody shoved a whole lot of lead-based brown paint, low-grade cocaine, Pepto-bismol and tarantulas up their ass, shook it all around and then farted in Kim’s face. How dreadful.

And you know you have failed at everything when Basement Baby does it better.