Add “Superhero Movies” And “Spandex” To The List Of Things That Mad Mel Hates

“Michael, if this is a post about Mad Mel, why did you use a picture of a homeless hobo who screams at the pigeons in the park and once got arrested for fucking a half-eaten hot dog bun he found in the trash?” – you

Mel Gibson’s “directorial comeback movie” Hacksaw Ridge screened at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend and the audience loved it so much that they gave it a 10 minute standing ovation. The producers must have installed retractable spikes in every seat, because that’s the only reason I can come up with for why those tricks didn’t sit down for 10 minutes! Or maybe the producers dangled exact rubber replicas of Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda above the audience and they all spent 10 minutes trying to catch that goodness with their mouths? That must be it.

While promoting Hacksaw Ridge, Mel said that superhero movies aren’t his thing, which is funny since he looks like the Maestro Hulk. During a press conference at the Venice Film Festival, Mel said that the difference between real superheroes and comic book superheroes is that real superheroes don’t “wear Spandex.” Mad Mel continued to trash talk superhero movies (and Spandex) in a looooooooooooooooong interview with Deadline.

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Emma Stone Describes Andrew Garfield As “So Poetic”

Some people get nauseous on planes, others get sick in the car. Personally, I get a strong case of the heaves every time someone dims the lights and starts shamelessly word jerking off their boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to grab a paper bag before you continue reading, because Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield’s words about each other will make you feel all sorts of barfy.

Despite the fact that they might be done with each other, Emma Stone is still talking about Andrew Garfield, and not in the “Him? NEXT QUESTION” way. During a recent interview with Diane Keaton for Interview magazine, Emma was asked about a quote from Andrew where he described working with Emma as being “like diving into a thrilling, twisting river and never holding on to the sides…Spontaneous. In the moment. Present. Terrifying. Vital. The only way acting with someone should be.” First of all, EW. But second of all, double EW at Emma’s response:

“He is such a poet. [laughs] But that’s the way he writes in general. So I hear it and of course my heart swells up. And I also know that he writes things like that on a daily basis. Yes, he does. He’s so poetic.”

George Clooney just whipped out a pad of paper and started taking notes.

The closest I’ve ever come to being called poetic was the time a dude told me I smelled like a used book store, so part of me is a little jealous of the way Emma is talking about Andrew. But the other part of me is like, good god girl, get a grip – he compared you a river. Not to mention it sounded a little Twilight-y, which I believe would technically classify it as ‘pooetic’.

Speaking of poetic, here’s Emma giving 8 layers of ARTSY EMOTION for Interview:

The Madewell Version Of Robsten Are Officially Over

After several weeks of nervously clutching their brass prayer beads, your 15-year old Teen Vogue-reading cousins can finally let out that long wail of sadness and pour out a bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume onto a pair of their favorite high-waisted black skinny jeans, because UsWeekly says their pseudo-hipster Prince and Princess, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, are OVER. It was originally reported that Blythe’s ginger cousin and Baby Bob Ross were on a break (yes I just re-read that in Ross’s voice), but now a “source” is saying they’ve officially called it quits on each other:

“[She’s] ended things and moved back to L.A. It’s finished. It’s not just a break.”

Another “source” (damn those gossipy blabbermouths at Madewell) claims that Andrew’s commitment to method acting as a 17th-century Jesuit for Martin Scorsese’s upcoming film Silence was one of the reasons she packed up her ankle boots and left:

“He’d been in a dark place for months, getting into his role. He wasn’t being the best partner.”

My only knowledge of Jesuits comes from what I learned during a high school class trip to a place called Sainte-Marie among the Hurons, and all I really remember is a blacksmith named Steve who was a dead ringer for Dean from FUBAR, so I don’t know if pretending to be a Jesuit is a deal-breaker or not. But I’ll assume so, since method acting anything from the 17th-century probably means smelling like hot swamp ass. They didn’t have ‘poo back in the 17th-century, right? No wonder he’s been in a dark place! I would be too if I kept catching whiffs of toxic stank mouth and realized it was coming from my beard.

Emma Stone And Andrew Garfield Might Be Over

After almost four years together, the Madewell version of Robsten (I’m sure my inbox is filling up with “Subject: YOU SKANK BITCH” emails courtesy of those last few die-hard Twihards for that one) might be calling it quits. According to Star (via Hollywood Life), 26-year-old Emma Stone and 31-year-old Andrew Garfield are taking a break from each other. I know, if Spider Man and Spider Man’s girlfriend can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Even though they seemed like a match made in pap-shaming heaven, a source (a gossipy mouse that lives in Andrew Garfield’s beard) says they’ve been drifting apart for a while now. The source also says that when Andrew blamed being a no-show at the Golden Globes and the Oscars on filming, he was being a lie-telling liar:

“Yes, Andrew was filming but he could have gotten away if he really wanted to. The fact was, neither one of them wanted to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.”

Currently they’re “taking some time apart to figure things out”, but anyone who has ever tried going on a break knows that a “break” is usually the fart that leads to a dump, so we’ll see what happens. In the mean time, you might want to set up a makeshift prayer shrine using a bunch of red headed Blythe dolls and a Garfield candle (everyone has one of those, right?) just in case. I mean, any excuse to pull out that exquisite Garfield candle, right?

ICYMI: Andrew Garfield Singing The Spider-Man Theme On The Tonight Show

In yet another attempt to shake up some interest in The Amazing Spider-Man 2: No, You’re Thinking of Spider-Man 2, This Is Different, We Promise, Andrew Garfield appeared on The Tonight Show Thursday night and showed Jimmy Fallon that he’s just as good at movie pimping as his girlfriend Emma Stone by whipping out a guitar and singing the Spider-Man Theme. Obviously this was a terrible idea, since the bar for acoustic Spider-Man Theme covers was set pretty high by a drunk Jack Black years ago, and unless Andrew Garfield was going to use that guitar as a penis and pretend to fuck a dude in a Spider-Man costume, it wouldn’t be worth it for the audience. Buuuut I guess no one at The Tonight Show had the heart to tell him, because he did it anyway.

Normally I would when it comes to Andrew Garfield (hot face + hot last name = yes I have a thing for Garfield the cat, what of it) but the second he picked up that guitar, I immediately got the same douchechill down my spine that I’d get every time I went to a party in college and some asshole in a Love Your Mother t-shirt would pull out a guitar and “You guys wanna hear a little DMB?” And for that reason, I can’t.

Did Spider-Man’s Hissy Fit Cause The Batkid Oscar Segment To Be Cut? (UPDATE)

A week before the Oscars, the producers said that Andrew Garfield was going to make a very special appearance and induct a new superhero into the fraternity of superheroes. They said it was going to be a very moving segment. I took that to mean that they were going to move us all to a higher place by announcing that Courtney Stodden is going to star in the long-awaited Dazzler movie! But no, apparently Batkid was supposed to be the new superhero that Spider-Man was supposed to welcome to the superhero club. In case you just woke up from a long coma or you try to keep your black, molten heart intact by staying away from sweet news about children, Batkid is Miles Scott, a 5-year-old boy with cancer whose Make-A-Wish came true when parts of San Francisco were shut down so that he could live like Batman for a day. Batkid became a viral superstar and he was the reason why millions of hearts liquefied and melted out of orifices.

The Batkid Oscars segment was written, the sets were built and Batkid was at rehearsals on Saturday. But on Oscar morning, the producers told Batkid’s mom that they were cutting the segment. Batkid’s mom told IB Times that they weren’t really given a reason as to why Batkid’s Oscar dreams were stomped on.

“I don’t know if they ran out of time, or if there was something about the segment they didn’t like it. It got pulled so quickly that we didn’t have a lot of insight into what was going on. It is kind of a disappointment, but things happen. I know that’s how TV goes and how Hollywood is. We’re just not used to that; we’re from a really small town.”

Batkid didn’t go to the Oscars, but the producers gave him something better: a trip to Disneyland.

Andrew Garfield wasn’t at the Oscars and Radar said that a “personal matter” is the reason why he canceled on that shit. But Page Six says that the real reason why Andrew wasn’t at the Oscars is because he hates Batkid! Sort of. Some source (probably Doctor Octopus) told Page Six that Andrew was at rehearsals with Batkid on Saturday, but he wasn’t into the lines they wrote for him. He came up with his own lines, but the producers didn’t like them, so he quit that bitch and gave a kid with cancer the sads.

“Garfield refused to go by the script. He came up with his own lines. The producers felt that Garfield’s [rewrites] were not appropriate. Garfield had a tantrum. He stormed off. Miles and his family, who were at the rehearsal, were devastated.Garfield was such a spoiled brat that he didn’t even want to be a presenter.”

Not much makes sense about that story. If Andrew Garfield really is a child-hating demon who agreed to do the Batkid segment and then dropped out at the last minute, why wouldn’t the producers get Thor or Captain America or Batman to do it? Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans and Christian Bale were all there. I was going to suggest Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but then all of you would think that I was the one who hates Batkid. That kid doesn’t deserve that.

Besides if Andrew Garfield really bailed out on a kid with cancer, Pimp Mama Kris would walk into the middle of Sunset Blvd, paint a pentagram in goat’s blood, lie down in the middle of it and clutch Andrew Garfield’s headshot while proclaiming him as her new satanic overlord.

UPDATE: A rep for the Academy says that Andrew didn’t ruin the Batkid segment. The producers are the ones who shredded Batkid’s Oscar hopes by cutting it from the show.

“Due to the nature of a live show, hard decisions sometimes must be made which require the Academy to cut segments due to the logistics of production. Andrew Garfield understood that his segment had to be omitted, and he drove to Disneyland on Monday to spend time with 5-year-old Miles Scott (Batkid) and his family.”