Wino’s Stumble & Mumble Tour Will Not Go On

Those of you in Europe who really wanted to spend 60 dollars of your hard-whored money to exercise your vocal cords by booing at a human train as she skips off the tracks and crashes into the stage will have to go elsewhere for that, because Amy Wino has canceled every single date on her European comeback tour. Wino started her European tour in Belgrade by telling the audience “HELLO, ATHENS!” before giving the same performance I’d give if my jaw was dead from Novocaine and I had just had a 6-man butt orgy inside of a dryer set to tumble. Wino’s rep had this explanation for why she’s going back to England.

“Everyone involved wishes to do everything they can to help her return to her best and she will be given as long as it takes for this to happen.”

It’s all fun and games until Wino gets to the gates of purgatory and slurs out, “HELLO, ATHENS!”

It’s become obvious that everyone involved, especially Mitch Wino, is sucking every last whiskey-drenched dollar out of Wino and hanging it up on the line to dry. But don’t they realize that they aren’t going to fill their pockets with nothing but boos and returned concert tickets if they don’t try to exorcise the crack demon out of her body? If they cleaned Wino up and she was able to get through an entire performance without trying to snort up the mic, they’d make even more money? They’re an embarrassment to all money grubbing pimps! They should really take a class from Daddy Spears at the Learning Annex.

Behold, The Worst Concert In The History Of Belgrade

If you’ve ever wanted to see a methadone clinic toddler do a Marilyn Monroe impersonation 2-seconds after she came out of a coma, then here you go.

Fresh off of her one-week stint in rehab, Amy Wino returned to the stage for her comeback concert in Belgrade last night and the audience left with an aftertaste of BOOs in their mouth and a sadness in their wallets. Almost 20,000 hos dropped $57 to see the triumphant return of Wino and what they got was a show that they can see for free on the 34th Street subway platform from a homeless crackhead wearing a dress made out of Hefty bags while trying to sing a Billie Holiday song in the style of Gilbert Gottfried. You just want to drop a coin in her donation cup so you can hear the sound of quarters clinking instead of the sound of a hyena with laryngitis getting choked out. A mess.

Wino was over an hour late and when she finally showed up, she stumbled and mumbled her way through that mess. The audience had to act as Wino’s verbal teleprompter by feeding her the lines to her own damn songs. Crack has never been accused of helping a bitch’s memory, that’s for sure.

When Wino wasn’t dropping her mic and slurring her lyrics, she was wiping at her nose and running backstage, leaving the band to entertain the crowd. Wino still has 11 more dates to get through on her European tour. But if Wino’s money greed whore of a team know what’s good, they will cancel everything and send her ass to a year-long SCARED STRAIGHT program for crackheads, because damn. I’ve seen live car crashes that are less painful to watch than this. This is like a lost segment from Faces of Death.

UPDATE: Two of Wino’s future dates have been put in the pipe and smoked up! Wino’s show in Istanbul on Monday and her show in Athens on Wednesday have both been canceled! Wino’s rep says that she knows she can’t “perform to the best of her ability” right now.

(Thanks Jelena and Nina)

All Beauty Salon Toilets Beware!

6 days ago, Amy Wino poisoned a beauty salon toilet by barfing into it and did a farewell shot of vodka before checking into rehab. Well, Wino must’ve done the Cliffs Notes version, because she is out of that bitch. (Cut to a rehab nurse sighing her nipples off with relief because Wino kept guzzling the hand sanitizer in her purse). Wino sat in a few meetings, overdosed on black coffee and cigarettes and is totally all cured now. The rehab walls, however, need a new coat since Wino chewed a few paint chips off for a quick buzz. Wino’s rep said this to The Sun:

“She is looking forward to playing shows around Europe this summer and is raring to go. She sends a huge thanks to all her fans for their support.”

Some people say that you should stay in treatment for at least 90 days before you safely enter the wild again. While they’re in there for the next 84 days, Wino will be slurping up their secret stash of hooch. Suckers. No. I’m sure Wino can’t even pronounce the word “vodka” anymore. Completely clean. That being said, beauty salon toilets will still be sleeping with their lids firmly sealed shut.

One Last Shot For The Road!

The alcohol supply in England is surprisingly starting to dwindle again and the country is very close to begging Ireland for a bailout. Before they resort to such extreme measures, they are sending their biggest consumer of booze off to the tank so that they can replenish their sweet nectar resources. Smirnoff's favorite blow job partner, Amy Wino, has once again been shipped off to rehab for the (insert the number of times in the past 10 minutes you've sniffed Wite-Out to get you through this Friday morning)th in her lifetime. But before the coke line on my mirrored heart checked into rehab, she left England with one last parting shot!

The Sun says that minutes before Wino surrendered herself into The Priory, she stumbled into a nearby hair salon and gave them something to remember her by. One customer said that Wino ran into the salon's bathroom and loudly hacked into the toilet. The sound was not unlike that of a zombie getting murdered via chainsaw fellatio. (A customer was smart enough to record Wino barfing into a toilet and they have since sold it to the sound editors of AMC's The Walking Dead).

The customer said that the staff was too scared to say anything. Wino apologized for ruining their bathroom with her puke. Minutes after Wino left, men in yellow astronaut suits swept in, tented the place and shuffled the customers off to a year-long quarantine. The toilet was later sold on the underground black market to North Korea who will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Naturally when one pukes, one wants to rinse out the layer of vom from their mouth with heaven's tears: VODKA! Wino walked into Meadway Food & Wine, and bought a bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Wino blessed her insides by taking a quick swig before leaving the store to check into rehab.

If I got a vodka shot for every time I typed "Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino..." I'd probably be puking my liquefied liver out into a beauty salon toilet. But I'll type it one more time: Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino! What we really need from her is a new album. That's what we really need. At this point, I'd even settle for an album of her barfing into toilets, gargling with vodka and ripping out a rehab technician's jugular vein with her bare teeth for filling her IV drip with nutrients instead of gin. Wino can call it Barf This Way. Her first singles will be "Edge of Gory" and "Pukis." I'd totally buy it on Amazon for 99 cents!

Amy Wino Is Back In The Clinic!

Amy Wino has checked into her favorite place ever, THE CLINIC, for a full week, but it isn’t what you think. Wino’s visit has nothing to do with the bad shit and she also isn’t there for her annual tune-up which involves prying off the year-old ballet slippers that have embedded themselves onto her feet skin and pouring more of those liquid-absorbing water crystals you get at the swap meet into the place where her liver used to be. Nope! The Sun says that Wino is laid up in The Clinic, because she wants to get her body ready for a womb invasion. Yup, Wino wants a baby (cut to Child Protective Services building a pop-up office in front of Wino’s house).

A source tells The Sun, “Amy has checked herself in. She wants to get herself ‘baby ready’ so she and Reg Traviss can start a family in the not too distant future.”

BABY READY? What does that even mean? Are they installing one of those swimming pool fences around her womb so that the fetus doesn’t crawl out and accidentally eat on a lump of coke lying around in there? Are they getting one of the experts on Hoarders to clean out her uterus, because over the years her system has used it to store stuff that has made its way into her body for one reason or another (examples: crack pipes that weren’t strong enough to resist her suction skills, half of Blaaaaaaaake’s peen, the patch of hair missing from Prince William’s head, etc…)?

I bet that Wino is in there to get the plastic watermelons in her chest removed, because she doesn’t want the gross taste of silicone to taint the 100 proof vodka milk her titties produce. Not wanting to serve your newborn a nasty tasting White Russian is the true sign of a wonderful mother!

Wino SANS FARDS

The glory days of the former Crackie of Camden posing nightly for the paps while looking like a coke booger that mutated in a puddle of meth pimple pus with a rat’s hairball are long gone. So we should cherish every single picture we get of Amy Wino out in the wild. These pictures of Wino with a napping crackhive on her head and a face free of FARDS were taken outside of some studio in London on Saturday afternoon. SO FRESH! SO CLEAN! A fresh and clean Amy Wino is the light the apocalypse sees at the end of the tunnel.

I’m happy that London’s health department workers no longer have to set fire to the sidewalk whenever Wino walks around barefoot, but I do miss seeing her looking like a zombie Gargamel. Every now and again, I pull out her pictures from the old days and have a special “they grow up so fast” moment with them.