Amy Wino Still Knows How To Put On A Show

Amessy Wino’s triumphant comeback to the stage in Brazil reached a fever pitch the other night when she hypnotized the audience with her sweet seductive moves that could lure the last drops of whiskey out of its bottle. Actually, maybe that’s not dancing. Maybe Wino’s tight ass yellow dress cut off the circulation to most of her limbs so she’s trying to shake some blood into them.

My favorite part is at the 1:10 mark when Wino auditions for the title role in Crack Swan by busting into a drunken pirouette that nearly causes her to crash on top of her titty sacks. It’s official: WINO IS BACK!

(Thanks to Thadeu and Stephen)

The Millionth Return Of Wino!

A strange thing happened in Florianópolis, Brazil last night. Amy Winehouse took to the stage and didn’t do anything of the following things during her set:

– Bit the face cheek off of an audience member and fed it to her nipple hole.

– Sent a baby rat with a black ball of yarn on its head and two walnuts glued to its chest to perform in her place.

– Chased an imaginary Smurf around the stage for an hour straight.

– Spewed millions of leeches into the audience forcing the police to quarantine its citizens and shut down the city.

None of those things happened at all! Yes, she temporarily got confused about the difference between a microphone and a water bottle (see above) so she sang into both of ’em, but that was the only hitch. By the way, that looks like the most disappointing oral swordfight ever.

The Daily Mail says that Wino spilled out all of her greatest hits (just like how her tits spilled out of her dress) and the audience snorted that shit up. And not one human person turned into a crack-devouring zombie. Triumph! Click here to see a few clips of Wino’s performance last night.

And All Her Dreams Came True!

The Sun got their hands on a bunch of Amy Wino’s old notebooks circa 2001 found in a pile of trash on the streets of North London. You know, the former Crackie of Camden regularly lounged in a pile of trash on the streets of North London herself, so the notebooks were probably just trying to find their way back to their owner. But instead, they found their way into The Sun’s offices who published pieces from that mess. In the notebooks, Wino wrote a few song lyrics, talked about a boy named Felix and listed all the things she’s going to do when she gets a record deal. Well, Wino pretty much accomplished almost everything on her to do list except for the “get a gym membership” part. But who needs a gym membership when you’ve got crack.

I love the “Live like the bombshell I really am” shit. That should be everyone’s life goal. And through most of 2008 and 2009, Wino looked like she just crawled out of a nuclear bomb zone, so that counts, right?

Amy Wino Is The Dian Fossey Of Our Time

Before I accept my lifetime achievement MS Paint Award for the intricate and realistic work above, let’s talk about Amy Wino’s brand new forever island friend. We already know that wherever Wino goes, she ends up bonding with the local creatures. When she was in St. Lucia a while ago, she became yard mother to a pack of dogs. When she lived in Camden, the crack-addicted roaches and mice regularly did up her crackhive for her Cinderella-style before she stumbled out every night. And now that she’s spending time in Barbados, she has become friends with one of the monkeys. As Fark would say, The Sun is there:

A source said: “Amy has made friends with a monkey. It came up to her and she fed it and it’s been following her around.

“She’s been telling friends how much she loves it and would love to bring it back with her.”

I would make a joke about how the monkey just thinks Wino is its long-lost biological mother, but that primate ho is smarter than that. It’s just sniffing on Wino because it knows she’s got the good shit. And I hate HATE hate Google right now. Somebody connect me to their complaint department! While doing photo research for this future Pulitzer Prize winning story, I Googled “woman and monkey” and (NSFL) this came up first. The look on the monkey’s face says “I don’t need this shit right now” and I co-sign that!

The Triumphant Return Of Amy Wino!

For Quincy Jones’ tribute album, Amy Wino teamed up with Mark Ronson for a cover of Lesley Gore’s The Chipettes’ “It’s My Party”.

Wino sounds like she’s singing this with a broken Neti Pot filled with ice cold vodka firmly shoved up left nostril , but at least she was able to stand upright long enough to record this (unless she recorded it while lounging in an empty bath tub, which is entirely possible), so this is progress!

And for added entertainment value, pair Wino’s mess with Brenda Walsh’ award-winning lip-synching performance:

via ONTD

Still A Vision

As the dealers of Camden curled up in the fetal position on the floors of their resident crack houses wondering about their futures, Amy Wino was the epitome of sobriety (sort of) as she posed, posed, posed, and posed in front of a club in London last night. Wino found out the hard way that Tupperware titty balls don’t exactly fit in onesies from Gap Kids, but she shimmied her lay-a-way chichis back into place without shooting a loogie at a pap or biting a bitch’s adam’s apple out!

And this is the second time in a row that Wino has looked sober. Yup, I guess the crack pipe really is in the back of the kitchen cabinet now.