Amy Winehouse Cremated In London

Mitch Winehouse, Janis Winehouse, Kelly Osbourne, Reg Traviss, Mark Ronson, Nick Grimshaw and dozens of mourners who aren’t famous (so they were safe from me right click save-ing them) gathered at a synagogue in London this afternoon to pour a melted ice pop out for Amy Winehouse and say their goodbyes. Amy was cremated after the ceremony, because Mitch says it’s a family tradition. Mitch also spoke at his daughter’s funeral and told jokes about her childhood, says Amy’s rep.

After the memorial, which was in Hebrew and English, Carole King’s “So Far Away” played as everyone shuffled out. Amy’s usually mute on-and-off-again piece Reg Traviss, who I didn’t even know could speak words out loud, gave a statement to The Sun before her funeral.

“We have suffered a terrible untimely loss and want peace now.

I can’t describe what I am going through and I want to thank so much all of the people who have paid their respects and who are mourning the loss of Amy, such a beautiful, brilliant person and my dear love.

I have lost my darling who I loved very much.”

The prison wouldn’t give Blaaaaaaake a day pass, so sadly he wasn’t there to throw himself on the casket, chase down the hearse and then get into a slap match with Mitch in the middle of the street. That’s the dramatic mess of a conclusion we all needed. And as for Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty, he couldn’t make it either because he was on his way to South America to plead with La Pequena to come out of retirement so she can perform an in memoriam tribute to Amy at the Grammys. Stay tuned, as hos say.

It was as humid as an Amazon’s armpit in NYC this past weekend and my hair still looks like Allison Janney’s in Drop Dead Gorgeous, so I’m just going to say this is my head’s way of paying a half homage to Amy. R.I.P.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaake’s Tears Will Never Dry

Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband Blaaaaaake Fielder-Civil is serving a 32 month prison sentence for burglary shit and guards put him on unofficial suicide watch after he nearly melted into a puddle of gingivitis, wet cigarettes and grease when he was told that the love of his life died on Saturday afternoon. Blaaaake, who some say is the one who first set Amy up on a blind date with crack, peeled himself off of his cell floor and cried out his sadness to The Sun. Blaaaaake has a new girlfriend and child (named Chop and Liver), but he says that he’ll never feel the kind of love he felt when he was with Amy. The British Clarence Worley said this:

“I will never ever again feel the love I felt for her. Everybody who knew me and knew Amy knew the depth of our love. I can’t believe she’s dead. I’m beyond inconsolable … my tears won’t dry.”

I’m sure Blaaaaake will find a way to plug his tear ducts since he’s going need to his eyes to write that tell-all on a yellow pad and to count the mountains of pounds he’ll get from selling a trunk full of unreleased demos. Moving on….

The Sun also says that Amy’s record label sent a doctor to her house every week, because they were worried about her health and wanted to make sure she didn’t completely slip back into the crack pipe. The doctor saw Amy on Friday night and didn’t see any red flags. Amy’s family said that the rumors that she bought a bad shit buffet of Special K, Ecstasy and coke the night before her death is a lie. They say that there were no signs of drugs in the house at the time of her death. Amy’s rep says that she told her security guard that she was taking a nap at around 10am on Saturday. The security guard checked on her 6 hours later and found her not breathing.

So basically, Amy died alone and in bed, which is pretty much the way to go. Everyone says they want to go with their loved ones around them, but I don’t want that shit. Just imagine staring at your grandchildren with sad snots trickling out of their noses. I don’t want to use my last breath to tell them, “You sure look ugly when you cry.”

And it looks like we’ve found a new Detective La Toya Jackson! Amy’s father Mitch Winehouse says that he’s going to get to THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING. Everything being his daughter’s death. Pass the monocle, La Toya.

Here’s Amy’s father, mother and ex-boyfriend Reg visiting the shrine to her outside of her house.

Amy Winehouse’s Mother Thinks It Was Only A Matter Of Time

As Amy Winehouse rolls around in the gigantic filthy ballet slipper that is heaven, everybody has a million words to say about her death, music and addiction to the bad shit. Russell Brand wrote a long piece on his time with Amy and his thoughts on addiction. And of course, the self-proclaimed Captain Save-a-Ho Courtney Love told Rolling Stone that she tried to knife fight Amy’s demons twice.

Amy’s father Mitch Winehouse was at JFK in NYC when he found out about his daughter’s death and he immediately jumped back on a plane to be with his family in London. Mitch, Amy’s mom Janis and her brother together issued this statement:

“Our family has been left bereft by the loss of Amy, a wonderful daughter, sister, niece. She leaves a gaping hole in our lives,” the Winehouse family tells Us Weekly in a statement. “We are coming together to remember her and we would appreciate some privacy and space at this terrible time.”

Before she asked for privacy, Janis told The Daily Mirror that she spent a little time with Amy on Friday and her daughter told her she loved her before she went left. Janis said that Amy seemed completely out of it on Friday and she knew this day was coming, “but her passing so suddenly still hasn’t hit me.”

Amy’s autopsy has been scheduled for tomorrow and Scotland Yard is telling the media not to assume that she died of a bad shit overdose. But the Daily Mirror is hearing that Amy twirled into The 27 Club from filling her body with a bad ecstasy pill and a lake full of booze, which many ravers have told me not to do. During my ten second-long raver days (I couldn’t burn my Elmo backpack and JNCO jeans fast enough), sensei ravers always warned my ass that booze and ecstasy went together like weed and vegetables. In other words, they don’t.

Oh, and what about BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?! Blaaaaaaake is currently locked up in the chokey, but his mom tells The Daily Star that she’s putting him on suicide watch, because she says Amy’s death will push him into a bad place. Georgette Fielder-Civil said, “Blake will kill himself. He won’t make it without her. He will be devastated, totally and utterly devastated. He’ll go straight back to self-harming. I’ll have to ring the prison and he’ll have to be put on watch. He was always ringing her and she was always ringing him. Blake always wanted her back. She couldn’t walk away from him and he couldn’t walk away from her. Her and Blake were both lost and we handled it badly.”

Wait. Blaaaaaake is STILL in prison? They should shackle his ankles and let him out for Amy’s funeral, because it wouldn’t be right if she was buried without Blaaaaaake throwing himself on her casket while screaming, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamy.”

Amy Winehouse’s Final Time On Stage

A few of you sent this in so I figured that maybe a few of you want to see it. But I promise I won’t follow it with posts about Amy Winehouse’s last ice pop or Amy Winehouse’s last lit fag or Amy Winehoue’s last etc…. I’m saving that for my tribute Tumblr page.

On Wednesday night, Amy’s goddaughter/protege Dionne Bromfield performed at the iTunes Festival and she took the stage with her. She refused to yodel into the mic, so she just danced on stage for a bit. It’s pretty much the same awkward clap dance my abuelita does on the pavement dance floor at a backyard party when an old Menudo song comes up and she doesn’t know how to adjust her moves accordingly. Totally like that.

via Buzzfeed

Amy Winehouse Has Died

Sky News has confirmed that Amy Winehouse was found dead inside of her home in London. I’m going to need more receipts before I do the slow wall fall while silently screaming out, “Wi-noooooooooooo.”

It looks like I got those sad receipts. The police issued a statement to the BBC saying that a 27-year-old woman was found dead in Amy Winehouse’s house at a little after 4pm today.

“Police were called by London Ambulance Service to an address in Camden Square NW1 shortly before 16.05hrs today, Saturday 23 July, following reports of a woman found deceased.

On arrival officers found the body of a 27-year-old female who was pronounced dead at the scene.

Inquiries continue into the circumstances of the death. At this early stage it is being treated as unexplained.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Amy died of an alcohol and drug overdose.

A lot of people are saying that we all saw this coming, but I really didn’t. Maybe I’m naive as all fuck. But I thought Amy Winehouse would outlive us all and make a million more albums and throw spit bombs at a million more bitchy fans. You know, like Keef Richards or Courtney Love. I really don’t know what to say. I’m sure Amy’s sitting around the 27 Club table with Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison right now.

Rest in peace, Amy. Your voice spoke to my broken heart, nobody could wore a busted mound of black polyester hair like you and ballet slippers will never be the same again.

Amy Winehouse Is Tha DEBIIIIL

Or, more specifically, the White Devil. REPORTED for racism. TMZ just broke the story that some lame ass group called SwagSec who thinks they can “take back the internet” by posting rambling incoherent shit on a crackhead’s website hacked into Amy Winehouse’s official site today and spooged a bunch of hateful words all over the place (screengrab below), because they wanted to “take back the internet from the white devil.”

I take great issue with this!! First of all, Amy may not BE CHRISSSSCHUUUN but I think It’s safe to say that she’s less the Lord of Darkness and more like the Baglady or Homeless Drunk of Darkness. Pretty much harmless, really. ALSO I would like to point out that she’s more nicotine yellow than she is white. And finally, you can take something, but you can’t take it back if it wasn’t yours in the first place. The only man qualified to take back the internet is Al Gore, dumbasses.

Thanks MK