Category: Alexander Skarsgard
Presenting The Skarsgård Family Portrait (Sans Stellan)
Every family portrait should have a drunk, hot and topless ASkars in it.
Here’s everybody who was made using Stellan Skarsgård’s viking sperm. From left to right: the tall drink of 36-year-old Swedish leche that is ASkars, 31-year-old Sam (who’s a doctor), 32-year-old Gustaf (who’s in the Vikings), 21-year-old Eija (who’s a club promoter), 17-year-old Valter and 22-year-old Bill from Hemlock Grove. The two chirruns are from Stellan’s current marriage and I’m sure one will star in the 2033 reboot of True Blood and the other will star in the 2033 reboot of Vikings.
This portrait would be ten hundred percent better without the children and without tops on all the adults. THAT FAMILY. The hotness is strong in almost all of them. Stellan’s dick should make all of the people from now on. ASkars, I’d hit it. Sam, I’d hit it. Gustaf, I’d hit it. Bill, I’d hit it. Eija? Hell, I’d even let her stick the tip in.
This “Alexander Skarsgard And Ellen Page Are Doing It” Thing Is Really Happening
Even after all the “double bearding” blind items, the pictures of them at a Stanley Cup finals game and the pictures of them cuddling at a premiere, I never believed that either Alexander Skarsgard and Ellen Page were a real couple or that publicists were trying to pass them off as a real couple, but apparently it’s happening. That’s what the Daily Mail says, anyway. For those of you hoping that now that Kristen Stewart is single she’s going to bump greasy hipster ‘ginas with Ellen Page, keep hoping. It’s not going to happen anytime soon.
The Daily Mail says that ASkars and Ellen have been dating for about a year and this past weekend the director of their movie The East, Zal Batmanglij, tweeted a picture of them “looking more in love than ever” while hanging out in a park in San Francisco. The “looking more in love than ever” words came from the Daily Mail. To me, it looks more like a father is kissing his trucker toddler daughter goodbye before she has to go out and make deliveries in her rideable Tonka Truck.
That picture still doesn’t really prove anything and I’m waiting for Zal Batmanglij to tell us what’s really going on. A man with the word “Batman” in his last would never ever lie to us.
And if Ellen Page really is using suction cups to climb a naked Mt. ASkars to suck on his face, then I really, really need to update the “lesbian detector” app on my Gaydar. If they are doing it for real and this just isn’t some stunt to promote their movie, what should their couple name be? AgeSkar? ElleXa? No, their couple name should definitely be WhatTheFuck.
Here’s Ellen and ASkars at LAX together last Thursday.
What Could’ve Been….
A couple of months ago, there was a blind item about a gayelle movie actress and a gay mostly-TV actor who were going to start double bearding for each other and most hos guessed that it was about Ellen Page and ASkars. It took 6 firefighters, 1 crane, 1 low-flying helicopter, 10 gallons of salt water, 12 taser guns and a pack of wild pit bulls to pull me off of my chair, because my b-hole puckered so much that I got stuck to my seat after thinking about the possibility of ASkars being a full-time gay.
But then this annoying thing called “common sense” took over and I realized that ASkars probably doesn’t have a natural craving for peen. Then I wondered what kind of publicist thinks Ellen Page and ASkars make a believable couple? Yes, they’re more believable as a heterosexual couple than Michele and Marcus Bachmann are, but so is a pink unicorn and a flannel-wearing beaver. Just look at these pictures of them “canoodling” at the premiere of their new movie The East in L.A. last night.
She looks like she’s tugging at her daddy’s jacket, because she wants him to buy her a Pink Panther ice pop from that ice cream truck over there and he’s looking at her and thinking to myself, “I’ve ejaculated things that are bigger than you.”
They so wouldn’t work as a believable couple. ASkars and that hot bitch Patricia Clarkson on the other hand….
Odd Couple Alert: Ellen Page & ASkars
If you put your hand over Ellen Page, you’d sort of know what it would look like if you got to frisk ASkars. How Ellen Page kept herself from tickling ASkars’ armpits with her hat’s lips is beyond me. And yes, that grown man in the bottom right is totally Stefan-ing out of his mind, because he can’t believe the Swedish essence of ASkar pits is blowing his way.
The oddest pairing since Kunty Karl and Choupette went to a Stanley Cup finals game at the Staples Center in L.A. yesterday and some are saying this means that Ellen is doing a sexy single bar gymnastics routine on ASkars’ peen when the lights go down. Please. It’s true that if you polled the planet’s population, including inanimate objects, on whether or not they’d let ASkars stick the tip in, 99% would grab the butt lube and you ask where the line for that ride begins. When ASkars struts by a rock, the rock finds a way to grow a vagina so he can fuck it. Everybody wants to hump ASkars. But not Ellen Page. I mean, my common sense gene is preventing me from picturing that. They’re just two beautiful lesbians who like to watch sports together. That’s all.
They also did a movie together and I hope it went so well that they work together again in a movie version of the adventures of the Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout. Because I want to see that.
From The Department Of Awwwww
In case you’ve been looking for a picture to tattoo on one of your ovaries, here’s a picture of Theseus’ son, ASkars, holding a tiny baby lamb in Bullett magazine. Yes, that baby lamb looks smug, but I’d be smug in the face too if I was an adorable baby lamb and was in the arms of a human Swedish lightning rod. Lamb is like “Awww, bitch, don’t hate” and he has every reason to be like that. If every story about a lamb or whatever in the Bible was replaced with this picture, I’d totally read those stories all the time!
It’s almost like ASkars is saying, “Look at this lamb, I’m going to make condoms out of it so that you can ride me until your pussy says ‘baaaaaah.’“
That really is beautiful….unless you’re a vegetarian…or an animal lover….or a person who doesn’t completely hate lambs. If any of those are the case, then I totally ruined that picture for you.
via Best Week Ever
ASkars And Charlize Theron Found Love In A Gay Bar
The literary beacon of truth that is The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) has put ASkars, Charlize Theron and a gay bar in the same story, and have given me the beautiful image of those two blond giants eye fucking each other as a go-go boy’s ass cheeks wiggle in the background. ASkars has backed away from an Olsen and fallen right into the golden crotch on Charlize Theron. Some source says that Charlize and ASkars strolled into GYM Sportsbar in West Hollywood, ordered two beers and then found love in a homo place. The source said this about Charlize and ASkars’ time together:
“They ordered two beers and went to sit on the patio. I realized it was Charlize and her date was Alexander Skarsgard. It was clear they were a couple, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.
People said hello, and they were really nice. After about 45 minutes, they left with their arms around each other and drove off in the same care.
Another source said that Charlize is busting nuts on the inside over ASkars and they went to a gay bar, because they didn’t think anyone would recognize them there. Um, is GYM one of those “in the dark” bars or is 99.99% of its clientele completely blind, because what self-respecting gay dude would not recognize ASkars? I could be blindfolded in the basement of GYM and I’d know ASkars walked through the front door, because my asshole would start blowing out the melody to a Swedish Viking song.
Anyway, can you imagine watching these two fuck? It would be all legs and all blond hair. If you want to know what it looks like, pull off the legs from a Ken Doll, pull off the legs from a Barbie, grab a blond weave track, dip all of them into lube, throw them into the dryer and press “air dry” before fapping away.