It’s An AbFab Christmas Special Preview!

The birth of Jesus finally makes sense! Jesus was born so that 2000+ years later there could be an Absolutely Fabulous Christmas Special. I wish they would’ve taught me that in catechism. This is the first preview for the special which airs on the BBC around Christmas times. It has absolutely zero Patsy Stone in it, but I guess we’ll take what we can get. My ass is going to be in Italy with my family for Christmas, so I fully expect one of you British bitches (Britches?) to lasso over a cable cord so I can watch this shit. Ruote in fiamme (Translation provided by Google, so if it doesn’t make any sense blame that ho)!

via ONTD (Thanks Ben)

Mirror, Mirror…. Who’s Got The Shittiest Snow White Movie Of Them All?

The last time Julia Roberts’ tongue tried to twist out a foreign accent (see: the watered down in shit Irish accent she did in Michael Collins) Ireland almost declared war on our asses, and rightly so. So I’m sure some country is going to hate attack us in the face for the jacked up accent she spits up in the other Snow White movie Mirror, Mirror. I’d tell you which country, but I don’t even know what kind of accent she’s trying to make. Is it British? Is it Madge-ish? Is it Muppet? Is it the same accent as the one the Google Translate bitch does? Whatever it is, it’s fucked up.

The rest of the trailer for Mirror, Mirror tells me that if I’m ever going to see this mess in full, I better smoke the wrong stuff out of an apple bong beforehand. All nerves will have to be numbed to deal with Julia’s face acrobats and her signature horse cackle that still sounds like Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked without lube on a seesaw.

Can’t we pluck (not punned on purpose) Brow White from this movie and throw her into the one with Charlize Thereon? Then we can stick this mess into ABC Family right between a PSA on cyber bullying and a tampon commercial.

What In The World Is JLo Ruining Today?

JLo’s days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper’s chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she’s adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood’s stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).

Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would’ve been a special kind of awful too. But now it’s in JLo’s shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn’t signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she’s going to produce it. Here’s hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.

Here’s the details on that mess from Deadline:

The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:

And here’s JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Evil Queen Is This?!

Hollywood is queefing out Snow White movie after Snow White movie and here’s the one that recycled Bjork’s Oscar swan dress (see Phil Collins’ daughter wearing that white tinfoil swan mess on her head in the picture below) and also cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. The only two words that jump into my head after blinking at this picture a couple of time are: A MESS!

You know, Julia’s laugh could put any bitch in a coma so she sort of makes sense as the Evil Queen, but then they stapled my auntie’s white peacock wall ornament to her back and slapped some sequined peacock feathers over her nipples. How are we supposed to believe that Julia can shoot fear into grown men when she basically looks like the fail version of this masterpiece look:

Even the Evil Queen’s mirror can’t with the mess she’s wearing. I’m sure there one scene will go something like this:

The Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Do you mean, who’s the biggest fool of all? That would be you and your peacock nipples. Now go pluck yourself, you silly bitch!

Don’t even get me started on how we’re supposed to believe that an evil horse would actually give up one of its apples. You know you’re in trouble when your version of Snow White makes Kristen Stewart’s version of Snow White look interesting.

That being said, I’ll be sitting sixth row center on opening night since I cannot ignore a campy mess that not even ABC Family would air.

Here’s more from Tarsem Singh’s Snow White that stars Lily Collins (as Snow White), Julia (as the EQ), Armie Hammer (as Prince Charming) and Nathan Lane (as the Evil Queen’s henchman).

So, Hollywood Is Remaking Bewitched Again

A bitch would think that the plot of Bewitched would’ve made like the original Darrin and quick Hollywood completely after the diarrheaous movie version starring Nicole Kidman was shat out. But nope, Hollywood isn’t done scooting skid marks all over the memory of Bewitched and what’s worse is that two producers from that bomb movie are coming back to do it all over again for CBS.

The Wrap says that Marc Lawrence who wrote Miss Congeniality is writing the pilot right now. Douglas Wick and Lucy Fisher, who are responsible for that laxative of a movie, are producing the remake.

There’s no need in screaming my ass lips off over this, because this is what Hollywood does and will continue to do until the earth’s core finally blows up right after a remake of I Love Lucy starring Katherine Hagel is announced. Hollywood is always sticking their fingers down their froats to barf up remake after remake. A bunch of bulimics!

Besides, Bewitched never really had a place in the Tivo in my heart. The only thing I remember about Bewitched is trying to do Tabatha’s coke nose twitch and thinking that Endora looked really hot on that plane wing. Speaking of, that “Endora lounging on a plane wing” thing would never happen today. The portal she uses to get to that wing now has a security checkpoint, and by the time the TSA finishes searching her ginger mop with a wand, Samantha’s flight would be over.

And my only hope is that the producers bring the glory of Carrot Top to the masses by casting him as Endora.

Because Havana Nights Wasn’t Bad Enough

The time has inevitably come for the shameless murderers of Hollywood to dig into your childhood and drag out Dirty Dancing to be butchered until it’s nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in 3D effects and stuffed with a soundtrack by the Black Eyed Peas. Deadline is saying that Lionsgate has already given the thumbs up to the execution of Dirty Dancing and has hired the original movie’s choreographer Kenny Ortega as director. Kenny is responsible for that High School Musical mess and was supposed to direct the Footloose remake but pulled out after Zac Efron pulled out. Here’s the press release from Deadline that Lionsgate etched into Dirty Dancing’s tombstone:

The new film is a celebration of one of the most beloved movies of all time. Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions.

“Amazingly it has been almost 25 years since the original film was released, but the fans remain legion, and engaged more than ever with a brand that is special and vital to them. We believe that the timing couldn’t be better to modernize this story on the big screen, and we are proud to have Kenny Ortega at the helm.” said Drake.

Since Kenny Ortega pretty much licks up the drops of bronzer that drips off of Zac Efron’s glazed hole, it goes without saying that he’s going to cast the pretty pretty princess as Johnny Castle. I think I just felt Patrick Swayze pirouette in his grave. Then Kenny’s going to cast Justin Bieber as Baby, Blake Lively as my favorite Penny and Demi Lovato as Lisa Houseman. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Will somebody please put Kenny Ortega in the corner!