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Only Here For Sue Ellen (And Lucy Ewing)
If the thought of Jesse Metcalfe shaking his “bigger in Texas” tits next to the other Desperate Housewives piece in Dallas 2012 made you want to go back in time to throw yourself in front of the bullet heading for J.R. , then you might want to get in line at the time machine. Or maybe not.
Last night, TNT aired the first preview for the new Dallas, which stars Man Tits Metcalfe (as Bobby and Pam’s adopted son), Josh Henderson (as J.R. and Sue Ellen’s son John Ross II), Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Charlene Tilton, Brenda Strong, Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo. The first of 10 episodes will start airing in one damn year.
It’s still too early to tell if this is going to be a sloppy mess like the one Jesse Metcalfe’s over-lactating nipples make in his tank top when he sneezes too hard. I only hope that the season one finale is titled: Who Plucked J.R.’s Abominable Snowman Brows?
And you can go ahead and sign my name at the bottom of the “Where in the Alexis Carrington wannabe Hell is that hot bitch Angelica Nero?!” petition you’re going to send to TNT.
Step Up 4: Footlose
So many things are better with Bacon in it like toothpaste, Jennifer Aniston’s hair, nipples and now you can add the Footloose reboot to that list. This is the first trailer of the modern version of MTV’s remake of Footloose and not only is it one degree away from Kevin Bacon, it will soon be zero degrees away from a shelf full of Razzies. Instead of Kevin Bacon, they give us some trick named Kenny Wormald (which sounds like an infectious disease you get after a worm pisses on you) and instead of Lori Singer, they give us Julianne Hough.
You know, Julianne Hough is growing on me the same way Ryan Gaycrest’s ass lips grow when he sees her brother shirtless, but the rest of this makes a strong case for moving to a town that bans all the showings of 80s remakes. But I’m not going to waste my energy on raising my flaming pitchfork at this watered down mess. I’ll save that for when MTV inevitably remakes my childhood classic Mac and Me (re-titled Subway and Me) starring Snooki and Gary from Teen Mom.
The Last Ho Who Should Replace Mariska Hargitay Might Replace Mariska Hargitay
I’d like to think that Mariska Hargitay can see the future and knew this hurtful rumor was coming, which is why she has a look on her face in the picture above that says: “This is the mess you’re going to replace me with?”
Deadline Hollywood says that Mariska will make next season of Law & Order: SVU her last and the producers are now looking for the lucky actress who gets to share space with Christopher Meloni’s freshly waxed chest clits. Jennifer Love Hewitt guest starred on SVU last season as a rape victim and the producers must’ve been hypnotized by the shiny sparkles jumping off her crotch crystals, because her name has come up as a possibility for the new lady detective. They haven’t offered her the job yet, but they’re talking to her about it.
The only Law & Order Jennifer Love Hewitt belongs on is Law & Order: Candyland. This is like replacing a lion with a whiny kitten who only stops meowing if you pet her.
With Detective JLove on the case, the number of false confessions will hit record numbers. Get Det. JLove in a locked room with a suspect and the talk will quickly turn to how she doesn’t understand why her boyfriend won’t propose to her, and why didn’t he get the hint when she bedazzled her crotch with the words “PROPOSE TO ME ALREADY!“, and why did he give her the middle finger instead of putting an engagement ring on her finger, and why did he say “lose my number” instead of saying “marry me” before leaving her apartment that morning? And Why? And Why? And whywhywhy?
That really is the quickest way to get an innocent man to scream: I DID IT! GAS ME!
Rose McGowan Is The Hottest Thing In The Conan Trailer
The Conan: The Barbarian reboot (whatever that is) is right on course to becoming this generation’s Masters of the Universe. Meaning that it will be awful, will flop and will be enjoyed by yours truly with a full bong at midnight when it comes out Starz. (Note: My 8-year-old self didn’t enjoy Masters of the Universe with a full bong. If my memory serves me right, I enjoyed it with a full bottle of Orbitz soda. I think. So there’s no need to call Child Protective Services on my mom’s ass a million years after the fact. Actually, maybe you should, because that would be funny. Record and YouTube it!).
There is a twinkle in this dull mound crap, though. No, I’m not talking about Jason Momoa’s caramel kiss nipples. I’m talking about Rose McGowan as some sort of villain alieness who has an infinityhead like Kristen Wiig’s Baby Hands character and a yarn wig like Raggedy Anne. Basically, she’s the white Rihanna. Watch her in action.
If this mess came out 20 years ago, my friend Armando and I would both have a Rose McGowan action figure and we’d both be fighting over who gets to be her when we play Conan: The Barbarian in the sandbox. Some stupid little ass girl in our group would say, “But I want to be her. I’m a girl.” “SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!,” Armando and I would say in unison.
Because We Really Need A Remake Of The Crow
We already know that Hollywood suffers from a major disorder and just can’t stop regurgitating movies that should stay safe in its stomach, so nobody is surprised that they are planning a remake of The Crow (working title: Brandon Lee Hasn’t Been Through Enough) starring Bradley Cooper of all bitches. I could holler out a billion WHY?!s over this, but I need to save some for when the executioner of Hollywood announces the remake of Bound starring Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart.
The Hollywood Reporter says that the man who used to be in charge of de-puckering Renee Zellweger by spritzing her with hot sauce is in talks with Relativity and director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo to take the role of Eric Draven. In the original, Brandon Lee (R.I.P.) played a murdered rocker who comes back from the dead to seek revenge on those who wronged him and his fiancee.
Some might say that The Crow is cursed, because Brandon Lee was killed during a stunt gone wrong, but I’m mouth queefing on that crazy talk. However, just to be on the safe side, they should replace all of the rubber bullets with cream cheese bullets. Better yet, just hire Michael Lohan as Bradley’s double and make him do all the stunts.
This Doesn’t Look Like Peter Pan To Me
Thanks to that Little Hot Topic Hood mess, that Beastly piece of shit and the dozens of Snow White “reboots,” Hollywood’s latest game is taking literary characters and turning them out for the Twihards to gnaw on before the next installment of Bella Bites Her Lip comes out. And now they’re going after Peter Pan! Somebody stand behind Sandy Duncan before the ho faints.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Channing Tatum, producer Joe Roth and screenwriter Billy Ray are peddling a pitch called Pan (or Peter Pan Begins) to various studios. There’s not many details about the project, but judging by the title it’s safe to say that this is about Peter Pan’s time in the womb or something. THR doesn’t know which character Carol O’Neal is planning on playing.
Now, if this shit was a sequel to Peter Pan (starring Carol O’Neal in the title role) and started right after the forever boy discovers Internet porn and springs quickly out of puberty into manhood, I’d be all about it. It could follow Peter Pan as he makes up for lost times by fucking his way through Neverland. HO SHIT, Pan style. He’d use pixie dust lube of course and they could call it Peener Pan. But since this is Peter Pan BEGINS (followed by The Green Pan and The Green Pan Rises), it doesn’t seem likely that this will be making its way into my Fandango cart.