The Michelle Duggar ride at Knott’s Scary Farm is more terrifying than I could ever have imagined. You might have to put on your NSFW hood to watch a video of a dude doing the Duggar child crawl out of a colossal cooch at work, so I put it behind a cut. GO!!!

via Jezebel

If your pussy just clamp shut like it just heard John Mayer’s name and you can feel your uterus trying to shrivel down to the size of a bumblebee bat’s nutsack, that’s because your parts know exactly what’s going on in these pictures and they’re scared.

What you’re looking at are the exhausted faces of three woman with sweat shop wombs and Chapter 11 pussies who are staring at the fertile as fuck fool they wished they never let up into their sugar walls. That right there is what tired looks like when it puts on a house dress.

Guanabee introduces us to 90-year-old Brazilian farmer Luiz Costa De Oliveira who has overpopulated the world with at least 50 chirruns from 4 different women. When he’s not planting seeds, he’s planting seeds if you know what I mean. This dirty whore’s (or this “putito sucio” as my abuelita would probably say under her breath) made 17 children with his first wife Francisca. After Francisca died, Luiz met Maria Francisca and made 17 more babies with her. Maria Francisca must’ve been tired of her uterus trying to escape every time she took a piss, because she asked her sister Ozelita to come help her take care of her ten million children. You know what happened next. As soon as Ozelita stepped into the door, the bitch had a womb full of Luiz’s baby. They made 14 more tiny people together. 15 in total. The full fresh fuckery does not end there…

Ozelita asked her mother to come live with them and that old ho ended up spitting out one of Luiz’s babies too! So if you ever get a call from a Brazilian number you don’t know, back away from the phone like you’re in The Ring. It’s Ozelita calling and she wants you to come to Brazil to take one of the loads that Luiz is shooting out on the hour every hour.

But Luiz says that now that he has around 50 children and 100 grandchildren, he’s putting his deadly weapon back in the holster and retiring from his spawning days.

“I could have other children out there that I don’t know about because I’ve always liked making love. I don’t know all their names. I hardly make love anymore these days, even though I’m in good health. But I still remember how wonderful it is to be in bed with a woman.”

Luiz, his baby-making harem and his ten million children is what would happen if you put OctoMom, The Duggars, Kate Gosselin, Lil Wayne and KFed into a room together with nothing but IVF shots and a glimmer of a good time in their eyes. Nope.

Luiz has jizzed out a small principality and now he’s done. Luiz needs to zip up his dick hole and stay away from beds…and vaginas. Just stick your pinga in a bucket of Mountain Dew and don’t move.

TLC announced today that Kat Von D will join Kate Gosselin at the halfway house for wayward reality whores, because they are lasering off L.A. Ink from their taint. They are canceling that mess after four seasons. The Duggars better say yes to every dress and develop a strange addiction to eating the one-pot laundry soap they make, because their asses could be next. Here’s the last rites that TLC read over L.A. Ink’s dying body:

“TLC has decided that the current season of LA Ink will be its last. The network is proud of what the series has accomplished in its four seasons, following Kat Von D’s journey as an artist from Miami to Los Angeles. The series finale will air September 15th at 10 p.m.”

But wait. Kat Von D not only says that she’s the one who broke up with TLC, but now she’s telling People that she and Vanilla Gorilla are magically back together. What a surprising coincidence! This is the shit that poured out of the bull’s asshole on Kat’s face when she tried to make it sound like she’s the one who walked away from the show:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup, the network has decided to focus their energy on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. I have no regrets and am very proud of the original footage. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of a show like LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

And here’s what the Nazi Frankenstein mouth shat when People asked him about his engagement to Kat being back on:

“Sometimes you are only given one chance in life. It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.”

You know, I hope you didn’t read either of those statements from those whores for propaganda. You should’ve just farted in your hand and smelled it for five seconds since that’s basically what Kat Von D and VG are doing to us. “Sometimes you are only given one chance in life?” Why didn’t VG go all the way and say, “She completes me.” They are so full of shit.

The break-up was a publicity stunt for her show, it didn’t work and so now they’re back to creating new strains of gonorrhea every time their face anuses kiss. The end.

But we should really be mad at TLC. When that tattooed trash pile tramp went to TLC and said she’d do anything for ratings, an executive should’ve lied to her and said that the highest-rated Lost episode was the one where Juliet falls into a hole. (Nudge. Nudge.) Missed opportunity and we should never forgive TLC for that.

Even the doors needed an epidural. – citizenstrange

Runners-up:

Not satisfied with the limited powers of a child army, Brangelina resort to genetic engineering to produce a child weapon of mass destruction. – TheBrazilliant

The Duggars are now going for size over quantity. – Ikcor

Christopher Schwarzenegger returned to the hospital today. He’s finally getting a head to match his legs. – Sandbitch

via WOW Report

Believe it or not, but the California Justice System does not consider getting your freckled titty bags out in magazine photo shoots as community service, so Lindsay Lohan has yet to complete most of hers. LiLo dragged her pink Twizzler lips into court today for a probation hearing and Judge Stephanie let it be known that she was disappointed at how White Oprah’s child has only done 4 days of community service and still has 56 days to go. When LiLo got done luxuriating during house arrest, she came out and declared to everybody that she couldn’t wait to finish all of her community service. Well, LiLo is consistent in one thing: when bitch opens her mouth, you know you’re going to get lies wrapped in a coke breath tornado.

TMZ reports that Judge Stephanie threatened to revoke LiLo’s probation if she doesn’t finish all of her community service within 1 year of sentencing. Judge Stephanie also gave LiLo 21 days to sign up with a personal psychological counselor, something she was required to do but didn’t.

LiLo blamed her probation officer who she thinks is trying to destroy her. The probation officer claims LiLo doesn’t return calls and hasn’t submitted paperwork proving that she’s enrolled in community service. Judge Stephanie confirmed LiLo did both of those things, so the charbroiled crackie thinks her probation officer is out to get her.

Oh, please. Even if LiLo’s probation officer is trying to ruin her, nothing is ever going to happen to her. LiLo is a condom to the California Justice System’s Jim Bob Duggar. They hardly fuck with her. Sure, Judge Stephanie brought LiLo in to slap her on the wrist in front of everybody, but she doesn’t mean it. It’s like when a dad (played by Judge Stephanie) pulls his kid (played by LiLo) into a hallway within ear shot of her mother (played by the public) to chew her ass out before whispering “just kidding.”

I can’t believe that most of the country is suffocating under a nutsack of heat (or whatever the media is calling it) and precious court house air conditioning is wasted just so Judge Stephanie can tell LiLo that if she keeps screwing up she’s going to get sent to the time out corner for way longer than last time. A time our corner that has an open bar and a mirrored coffee table, of course.

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