Jimmy Fallon must be the only person in the known universe who isn’t familiar with current-day Madonna. Because when Jimmy brought Madonna out onto the stage of The Tonight Show last night to promote her new Madame X documentary, his face was like a guide to the Kubler-Ross model for the five stages of grief, except it was the six stages of disbelief. Shocked, Scandalized, Horrified, Appalled, Outraged, and whatever word you’d use for the panicky feeling a late-night talk show host gets when they really want to cut to commercial. And we hadn’t even gotten to her double-stuffed butt cheeks yet!
Madonna prepared Jimmy Fallon for what it’s like to have Madonna on your late-night talk show by…well, just existing as Madonna for the past 63 years. Where was Jimmy Fallon during Madonna’s infamous 1994 interview with David Letterman? Madonna basically did her thing on The Tonight Show, which is that she made pearl necklaces everywhere shatter from the applied pressure of uptight clutched hands, by laying out on Jimmy’s desk, joking about a love of opioids, and flashing her now-ubiquitous ass. via Page Six:
“Artists are here to disturb the peace,” Madonna said, quoting writer James Baldwin, adding, “And so, I hope that I have disturbed not only your peace this afternoon but people’s peace while they watch the show, but I mean that in the best way.”
Fallon responded, “Oh yeah, you get in good trouble.”
That’s when the Queen of Pop lunged forward and sensually climbed onto the comedian’s desk, pushing his coffee mug aside to show off her figure. Fallon promptly freaked out, laughing and yelling, “Stop it!” as he attempted to cover up Madonna with his suit jacket to no avail.
Making sure to get in one final stunt, Madonna turned around to lift up her skirt and flashed her black underwear to the studio audience. As the Grammy winner and Fallon returned to their seats, he seemed extra frazzled, and she told him, “Life is not just about interviewing kiddies. Don’t you want to talk to an adult? Let’s have an adult conversation.”
When Fallon asked whether she was talking to an adult, she joked, “I’m not sure.”
Jimmy Fallon was so nervous and awkward around zero-fucks Madonna, you could practically hear him thinking, “This is totally my karmic payback for that Donald Trump interview, isn’t it.”
Here’s that moment:
Madonna could have spent her entire appearance on The Tonight Show getting ten tons of mess-based attention, but she kept it semi-professional by diving into a serious conversation about regrets. Namely, the three film roles she allegedly turned down, two of which she regrets not taking. And yes, this is a serious conversation, because Madonna engages in some serious slander against Showgirls. via The Post:
When Fallon asked her about reports she turned down the legendary Vegas stripper flop Showgirls, she expressed no regrets about giving a thumbs down to the most critically lambasted flick of 1995, which is now an undisputed cult classic.
However, Madonna does regret not pouring herself into that iconic latex suit worn by Oscar nominee Michelle Pfeiffer in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns in 1992.
“I saw them both, and I regret that I turned down Catwoman.” Quite simply, the part was “fierce,” she admitted. “Showgirls? No.”
“I also turned down the role in The Matrix. Can you believe that? I wanted to kill myself,” she said, most likely referring to the film’s only female lead role: Trinity, which would eventually be played by Carrie-Anne Moss. “A teeny-tiny part of me regrets just that one moment in my life.”
Hearing that Madonna turned down Batman Returns, Showgirls, and The Matrix is a lot to take in, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Especially when Madonna herself tells Jimmy Fallon that turning down The Matrix is something she’d go back in time and change. But it’s probably for the best. I don’t know if Madonna would have been right for The Matrix. I feel like the second Morpheus pulled out the red pill and the blue pill, Madonna would have dropped character, leaped in front of Neo, and said, “Pills? Yeah bitch, I’ll take both – let’s party!”