That’s probably how every publication was looking at Chris Pratt’s publicist on Saturday after they heard that he’d gotten married to his girlfriend of about a year, Katherine Schwarzenegger. Because of course we all want to see what kind of wedding they threw together in five months. But also because I don’t believe a famous couple is technically married until we see a professional photo of themselves in wedding outfits, smiling like they’re aggressively testing the limits of their Botox.
Both Chris and Katherine posted the same photo from their wedding to their Instagram accounts yesterday, a day after their wedding at the San Ysidro Ranch. They posted it at the same time, and wrote nearly identical captions in which they give a shout-out to God and the man responsible for their wedding outfits, Giorgio Armani. Same caption, same clothing brand, same cheesy TRI-CITY BRIDAL EXPO 2019 trade show poster smiles.
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Yesterday was the best day of our lives! We became husband and wife in front of God, our families and those we love. It was intimate, moving and emotional. We feel so blessed to begin this new chapter of our lives. We are so thankful to our families and our friends who stood with us and grateful to Mr. Giorgio Armani who created a once in a lifetime dress for Katherine to wear and for me, the perfect suit. This morning we feel nothing but blessed.
This is exactly the picture I would expect from the new, born-again buff-again Chris Pratt. If you told me this was a picture ripped off Facebook of someone’s cousin named Kyle and his high school girlfriend-turned-wife Brayleigh, I’d believe it. It’s as bland as their alleged reception menu. It also kind of looks a little like the back of Chris’ head has that hair indentation a guy gets when he’s been wearing a sweaty damp baseball hat all day and only took it off after his wife threatened to hide the keys to his F-150. In which case, I’d say Chris is doing a lot to represent his favorite demographic. I just wish a little of the old, fun Chris was present. That picture would be so much more interesting if it was taken just as he was shrugging off a mac n’ cheese fart.