RIP To The Old Taylor Swift

August 25, 2017 / Posted by:

Ladies and gentlemen, friends, family, cats. It is with great sadness that I announce the passing of the old Taylor Swift. According to her new song, one she has been aggressively teasing online for exactly one week, the old Taylor has died. Cause of death is unknown, although I suspect a case of acute attention-seeking might be a factor. The family requests that in lieu of flowers, please send dragon emojis to Kim Kardashian’s Instagram account.

Much like her publicists rumored she would, Taylor Swift dropped the first single off her upcoming album, Reputation, last night. It’s called “Look What You Made Me Do.” Girl, nobody made you do anything, you did this all out of your own thirst for petty revenge! Shoot, don’t blame anyone but your marketing team for your narrative.

But enough chittter-chatter, here’s what the song sounds like. It’s kind of like Meghan Trainor’s “Me, Too” but performed by an angry cheerleader who just found out she was moved to the back row.

People magazine says “LWYMMD” was co-written and co-produced by Jack Antonoff. Co-writing credit was given to members of Right Said Fred, because Taylor and Jack pulled some middle school copy-your-answers antics by making the chorus of “LWYMMD” sound suspiciously like “I’m Too Sexy.” I hope they didn’t forget to credit their DVD collection, because the rest of that song sounds like it was ripped straight from the slutty Halloween scene of Mean Girls.

The message of the song is extremely cryptic and mysterious. Ha! Got you, didn’t I? No, it’s just like any other Taylor Swift song, in which you know very well who she’s metaphorically dragging across the pink linoleum in her dream house. This time it’s definitely about Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and the Snapchat story that called Taylor’s two-faced snake ass out for allegedly lying about giving permission for that lyric in “Famous.” That whole mess happened over a year ago. Listen, don’t ever doubt Taylor’s dedication to holding a grudge.

Taylor doesn’t call out Kanye out by name, but there are several lyrics in “LWYMMD” that give us a clue:

I don’t like your little games
I don’t like your tilted stage

You asked me for a place to sleep

Kanye West performed on a tilted suspension stage during his Saint Pablo Tour. A replica of Taylor was also seen sleeping in bed next to Kanye in the video for “Famous.” Also, Taylor’s current promotion theme has been gothic letters and typography, which is something Kanye did with The Life of Pablo. And then there’s the line near the end, in which Taylor leaves the most dramatic ‘teen girl going through an edgy phase’ voice mail recording of all time:

“I’m sorry, but the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ’cause she’s dead.”

So from what I’ve gathered, New Taylor likes revenge, playing the victim, slapping back at her haters, calling out her enemies, and getting attention. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think Old Taylor might have faked her own death.

I kind of expected Kanye to respond to Taylor by tweeting something about how Taylor could have chosen literally any other day to drop her album. But he deleted his social media accounts back in May. Kim Kardashian hasn’t said anything yet, but I’m sure it’s coming. In semi-random news, Taylor’s one-time enemy Nicki Minaj tweeted the following immediately after the release of “LWYMMD“, which some people are taking to be a shady poke at Taylor:

The video for “LWYMMD” will premiere this Sunday during the MTV VMAs. Here’s a clip of what it will look like:

Official #LWYMMDvideo world premiere. Sunday 8/27 at the @vmas.

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Taylor has been working a snake angle all week in preparation for the release of her song; sort of a personal take-back-the-snake movement, if you will. By the look of that teaser, we’ve got some snakes. But we’ve also got what appears to be a sweet, wholesome angel who finally pulled off the mask and is showing us that the real her is a diabolical evil blonde bitch in diamonds. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, Debbie Jellinsky from Addams Family Values!

If I find out that’s actually what Taylor was going for, I might have to become a Taylor Swift fan.

Pic: Instagram

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