Swifties (and president Donald Trump) stared at the sun all afternoon, and all they got were singed retinas! Taylor Swift, the sneakiest foal of all the My Little Ponies, is responsible for many a dry cleaning bill this Monday. All her fans shat themselves over the weekend upon learning she had wiped her social media clean. In real person world, that’s the second step after a new haircut in showing your ex-boo you’re well on your way to a “new you.” In TayTay world, it means you have a new album about to drop, and you’re going to induce the drip, drip, drip of water torture on your fans and have them do some really weird shit for a week so they can find out the name of the lead single.
HAHA, joke’s on you betches, for your “Taylor Swift is a snake“ meme. Shes TOTALLY in on it, too, because that’s what cool-as-a-cucumber cat owners do. Right?! RIGHT?! She ran out of ex-boyfriends to sing about, so it’s only natural her next “I was wronged” warble is aimed at 80% of the posters on social media. Just kidding. 99%. Well, it could be to them, or just to that court room sketch artist who took a few, ah, creative liberties when TSwift was in court testifying the other week against that DJ ass grabber.
E! News burped up all the clues fans had found that the album was coming, and some thought it was going to tie in with today’s solar eclipse since, well, this is Taylor Swift, and a natural phenomenon is about the only thing left for her to try and upstage. I’m sure every Swifty was on Weather.com watching the livestream of the eclipse expecting her the pull a Katy Perry/Spotify mind game and release the new track just as the moon was blocking out all the light over Nashville. And Karlie Kloss’s house, just cuz.
Apart from the social media blackout, some people with nothing better to do detective fans went into the coding on Taylor’s website and found in that mess a slew of letters that, if you subtracted a letter from each, you got “that’s what they don’t see.” You weren’t going to see the sun this afternoon and omigod it MUST mean that’s the name of the new song!
Some were saying America was going to lose $700 million in productivity today due to the eclipse, but I doubt that. Tay kept every cardiologist across the country working ’round the clock tending to her fans and their new album anxiety. DirecTV also let the Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson out of bag, because it says Taylor will be on Good Morning America on Aug. 31. PLUS, if you flip 31, you get 13, which is Taylor’s favorite number. Good work, fans! It’s shit like this where I often think members of the Beyhive must wake up each morning, take a look at the Swifties, and say, “Sure, we overuse the bumblebee emoji, but at least we aren’t THAT bad!”