The Time Jason Biggs Ray J’d On Chelsea Handle’s Face

In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.

A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.

Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:

“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”

Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.

I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream:

Something in the piss looks like water from a squirt bottle held by Jason Biggs. That piss stream is so high. Is he pissing from his belly button? I call FAKE! If it is real, then they’re nasty as hell. I don’t even think they’re drunk. If Jason was plastered and Chelsea was plastered, she’d totally try to drink his vodka-infused pee.

And let’s all think of each other fondly tonight when our loved ones ask us what we did today and we say, “Analyzed a video of Jason Biggs pissing on Chelsea Handler.“