From The Department Of DUH: People Says Goop And Chris Martin Had An Open Marriage

Since it was a Tuesday afternoon when Goopy Paltrow announced that she shoved an enema up her marriage’s b-hole and cleansed herself of Chris Martin, the tabloids didn’t have enough time to report about their conscious uncoupling in last week’s issue. So this week, Goopy and Chris’ faces will be all over the magazines at the supermarket checkout line and looking at them will remind you that you forgot to pick up some laxatives and fishsticks.

People, who usually has both of their lips on Goopy’s solid gold-leafed asshole, says that during their 10 years of marriage, they sometimes kept it open and he’d hump on his side pieces (like Kate Bosworth, etc…) while she humped on her own side pieces (like Jeffrey Soffer, etc..). The HARDEST WORKING MOM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD said in her bullshit statement that her and the King of Waiting Room Music were having problems for about a year, but People says that for years their marriage has been a mess.

Several friends tell PEOPLE that the pair, who were married for 10 years, at times had an “open” relationship. “They were physically separated and emotionally,” says a Paltrow insider. Adds a close friend of the 41-year-old actress: “They have been on and off for many years. The marriage was falling apart.”

UsWeekly basically echoed what People said and they added that Goopy didn’t care that Chris put his mouth on other hos, but she did care that he put his mouth on Ronald McDonald’s parts. They always fought about her strict diet.

When that Alexa Chung rumor came out, one of my friends said that Goopy’s publicist was going to leak “an open marriage” story to let it be known that she okay’d Chris Martin’s wandering peen and nobody cheats on the Goop! Whatever, I really thought the tabloids would burp up the good shit this week. Open marriage shit and fights about diet?! That’s it? Where are the grainy, green stills from Chris Martin’s sex tape with three Monster Tacos from Jack In The Box?! Where is the story from The National Enquirer on how Goopy controlled all the money, because she knew he’d spend it on carbs and cheap meat, so Chris had to get his fix by selling his ass for a cheeseburger with bacon. Where are those stories?