Category: Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow Is Going To Marry His Miss Universe Girlfriend

January 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Last July, we all learned that 31-year-old football quarterback turned baseball outfielder Tim Tebow is dating the hyphen-loving Miss Universe 2017 (and Miss South Africa 2017) Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters, and one second after we learned that, Blind Gossip put up an item about a certain athlete finding the perfect beard. Well, you can viciously refresh your blind item site of choice for an item about how a certain athlete brought in a Christian preacher to bless the long-term contract he signed with his beard, because Timmy T and Demi-Leigh have announced that they’re engaged. You bitter, jaded hating whores who throw a side-eye of suspicion at Tim and Demi-Leigh’s love can shut your stupid mouths now, because they proved their love is everlasting and genuine by getting a photographer to take oh-so-natural pictures of their “surprise” engagement. They also gave every single hilariously ridiculous detail to People.

Continue reading

SHARE

Tim Tebow Is Dating Miss Universe

July 16, 2018 / Posted by:

I guess all that Tebowing and praying has paid off because, while he still may not be in the major leagues of sports, Tim Tebow sure is hitting the home runs in the lady department. The preying mantis (OK, I’ll stop) is now blabbing about dating Miss Universe 2017, saying “blessed” so much, I almost forgot I was reading an article and just thought I was overhearing employees at Chick-fil-A. Continue reading

SHARE

FYI: Tim Tebow And Olivia Culpo Never Did It Because They Never Dated

December 1, 2015 / Posted by:

You’re probably freebasing Red Bull and crushed Vivarin right now, because the break-up of  Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo kept your eyelids open all night. Well, TMZ has more information we all need to know. TMZ says that it’s impossible that Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo broke up, because they were never together in the first place.

The story was that Miss Universe 2012 dumped Tim Tebow after 2 months of dating, because her chocha was hungry for peen and wrapped around his peen is a note that reads, “For my future wife and future wife only.” But sources tell TMZ that Tim and Olivia didn’t date for 2 minutes, let alone 2 months. They met at church and hung out with friends, but they never went out alone together. The source claims that the tabloids made it all up.

UsWeekly’s source says that Tim was “super into her” and thinks she’s a “goddess,” but she just got out of a relationship with ex-purity ring wearer turned professional gay baiter Nick Jonas and wasn’t looking for another boyfriend. Olivia’s publicist, I mean, the source, really should’ve kept the “goddess” part out, because that’s when it turned straight into “fanfic written by Olivia Culpo” territory.

So there we go. Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo probably didn’t date. They definitely didn’t fuck and he’s probably still a coochie virgin. And I fully expect People to report that Michelle Duggar is pregnant for the 4,567,987th time. Because knowing that Tim Tebow is still available for one of his daughters to marry made Jim Bob Duggar shoot a load so powerful that it ripped through his double-pleated khakis and landed in Michelle’s eye. Yup, Michelle and Jim Bob are so fertile that even a load to the eye can knock her up.

Pic: GQ

Olivia Culpo Called It Quits With Tim Tebow Because He Wouldn’t Put Out

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Pour out a glass of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice for Tim Tebow’s favorite hand-holding hand today (it’s totally the left one), as it’s about to be real lonely. According to the NY Daily News, Jesus’ favorite football player is single again after his girlfriend of two months dumped his ass and she’s citing lack of dick as the reason.

The handsome human VeggieTales character got together with the former Miss USA and former Nick Jonas humper Olivia Culpo at the beginning of October. And when I say “got together“, I’m of course referring to everything but their genitals, because Tim Tebow is chaste virgin type who is saving himself for marriage. And it seemed like everything was good; one of Olivia’s friends claim that Tim was really into her and was sending her “love letters and cute notes“. But she decided to end it because no matter how many love letters he was throwing at her, she just couldn’t deal with the cobwebs collecting on her crotch.

Okay, I’m totally on Team Olivia here, because I too would have a hard time dealing with an endless string of Netflix and Chill nights that involved actually watching Netflix. But I have questions. Unless Olivia doesn’t own a computer that has access to Tim Tebow’s Wikipedia page, she should have known going into it that Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christian who is saving his fuck parts for his future wife. Or maybe she did know that, but she was so desperate for Tebowners that she paid a wizard to bless her with a magic coochie that could hypnotize Tim’s wiener and change his mind about premarital sex. If it’s the second option, then I suggest she might want to find that wizard and get her money back, because it clearly didn’t work.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Quarterback Virgin And The Professional Beard Just Couldn’t Make It Work

December 20, 2012 / Posted by:

The “open” sign is back on the front door of Camilla Belle’s Bearding Services, because she has stopped dating the virgin quarterback who regularly Facetimes with Jesus on his iPhone. Who knew that a devout Christian with his cherry firmly intact couldn’t make it work with a ho who Taylor Swift says is a master at mattress acrobats (read: the squinty bitch called her a slut).

Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida. They must’ve had one of those short-term contracts, because a source tells UsWeekly that it’s over. I guess Camilla just didn’t have a servant’s heart, which is what Tim Tebow wants in a wife. He said this to Vogue a while ago:

“I’ve been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there’s also so much more than that for me. It’s about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant’s heart.”

I’m actually surprised over this highly important news. Tim Tebow isn’t going to let his peen kiss on a vagina until he’s married and Camilla Belle was with a Jonas brother during his purity cock ring days, so she knows how it goes. Bitch probably quit Tim Tebow, because she got sick of doing butt sex all the time (side note: anybody who gets sick of butt sex is no friend of mine). Virgins LOVE butt sex.

Tim Tebow And Taylor Swift Are Bonding Through Their Mutual Love For The Holy Word

March 2, 2012 / Posted by:

Yes, and I know I need to bond with a Photoshop class. But in the meantime, a laugh is jumping out my throat over how Taylor Swift keeps trying to spread some country sin onto Tim Tebow’s pristine peen. Rick Santorum’s favorite new IT couple was born on Monday night when they went to dinner with a bunch of friends in Century City. They apparently went as friends, but a source tells UsWeekly that beard extraordinaire Taylor Swift wants Tim to Tebow right over her basket of curly golden love (that’s what she’s going to call it in the song she’s obviously going to write about his ass), but he’s not exactly into her. That scent that just trickled up your nostrils is the smell of a beard that just got BURNED. UsWeekly’s source said this about Taylor wishing she was the Mary Magdalene to Tim’s Jesus:

“Yes, she has a crush on him. She is a massive fan, but I don’t think he sees her that way. They actually have been speaking a lot about the Bible and Christianity. Right now it’s on the friendship tip – even though that frustrates her.”

Taylor Swift herself is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song, but all these rumors make me like her just a little bit. Taylor is pretending to be an innocent virgin lamb when she’s really a slutty snake trying to slither up onto Tim’s crotch to rip off his holy water-covered jock strap and fuck his beliefs right out of him. Bitch is like a Wilmer Valderrama in sheep’s clothing. I’m not just calling her a sheep, because that’s the saying. I’m calling her a sheep, because bitch really does look like a sheep.

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >