Taradise, we barely knew ye. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Meryl Streep successor Tara Reid here on Dlisted that I was beginning to worry about her. Had she quit the biz, and turned to her true calling – the drunk lady at table #15 at the Ruby Tuesday’s off the highway in Hackensack, NJ? No – she’s still kicking! Coming off her highly acclaimed work in the Sharknado quadrology, Tara immediately took a roll in future Criterion Classic Andy The Talking Hedgehog. That howling laughter you hear coming from Donnie Wahlberg’s house is Jenny McCarthy. (Luckily for her, she turned the role down.)
And it’s worth about $0.22 in real life. But, in Dlisted credits, it’s worth jillions cuz’ that was some hilarity straight from the ragged 90s. Tara Reid (seen below at the Sharknado: The 4th Awakens premiere in Las Vegas wearing an actual exploded shark) went on Hollywood Today Live (does anyone else find that title convoluted?) to promote the “film.” Screech owl host Ross Matthews and the chick Chelsea Handler terrifies asked her about the satellite radio catfight of the century! People transcribed it for us, but you can watch the video below.
The SiriusXM offices in NYC had to be evacuated today (no, they didn’t) when the silicone and Botox in both Tara Reid and Jenny McCarthy boiled over and caused toxic fumes to waft off of them as they fought during an interview. We were all given a beautiful gift today when these two messes from the 90s got into a passive aggressive bitch fest. If this fight had a Yelp page, I’d write Yelp and ask them to please add an option for a sixth star, because this deserves it.
I’ve been putting up crosses, pictures of the baby Jesus and lighting prayer candles all week to protect myself from the impending apocalypse, which started yesterday. Hell fire rained down, demons joyously jumped through fields and string headband sales skyrocketed. My friends, pray with me… Coachella is upon us. Thankfully, I live on the East Coast, so I’m not in the danger zone, but these things spread. The hell mouth that has opened up in California to let loose boho dresses and string fringe vests could very well continue to grow and swallow the whole world. Let’s take a look at some of the devastation.
Elizabeth Banks has been in the Hunger Games movies, she stole scenes in 30 Rock, she was in the masterpiece that is Wet Hot American Summer and she directed the Pitch Perfect sequel, which will probably make 30 trillion dollars. She’s also the actress my mom always refers to as Al Bundy’s daughter in Modern Family. Some might say that Elizabeth Banks is at the top. But well, has she been in Sharknado 1 AND 2? No. Can she create a paparazzi frenzy (read: 1 pap taking a dozen pictures while waiting for someone from Vanderpump Rules to show) by posing with fellow A-lister Bai Ling? I think not. Is she a 3-time Razzie nominee? Nope.
Elizabeth Banks knows all of that and it eats at her insides. She probably wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where her career went wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t hide her jealousy anymore and during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to promote Pitch Perfect 2, it all come out when she said this:
“There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here. I do love Sharknado.”
Surprisingly, Tara Reid found time in her busy schedule to comment on this wrong diss. Tara responded by saying, “Elizabeth who?” No, Tara said that she’s a fan and she doesn’t understand why Elizabeth Banks would slap at her like that. Like I said before, the answer is: PURE JEALOUSY. Elizabeth Banks wishes she was in The Hungover Games instead of The Hunger Games, which nobody cares about! Elizabeth also wishes that her pussy game was so good that it got men fired from their job.
National treasure and master thespian Tara Reid, star of such critically acclaimed works of direct-to-DVD greatness as The Crow: Wicked Prayer and Unnatural Causes, told Access Hollywood (via Metro) that she was initially hesitant to take on the role of Ian Ziering’s Tara Reid-ish ex-wife “April Wexler” in Sharknado because she was afraid it would kill what was left of her illustrious career. No more sequels to Van Wilder. No more Celebrity Big Brother. No more embarrassing low-budget made-for-TV movies about flying CGI sharks. Nothing!
“When I first did it, it was called Dark Skies, so I thought, okay, it’s not gonna sound so bad on my resume… it’ll be fine. And then, all of a sudden, they’re like, ‘We’re changing the name to Sharknado‘. I said, ‘Oh my God, this is it! My career is over.’
Going so far as to refuse to be involved in any promotion for the movie, the blonde says she ‘begged’ filmmakers to change the name: “It was horrible. They said, ‘Trust us, it’ll work.'” And it did.
“When it became this phenomenon, I was like, ‘Are you joking me, is this really happening?'”
Thank goodness Sharknado was such a huge success; I’d hate to see Tara Reid bury what was left of her esteemed acting career in a shallow grave and be forced to take a job hawking cheap perfume or something. Now she can finally get back to more serious roles, like “Hard-looking party girl” or “Tired-looking stripper” in direct-to-DVD films and unauthorized American Pie sequels. Or, she can finally give us a second season of her documentary series Taradise (PLEEEASSE?!?!!?)
And here’s more of future EGOT winner (E! Alumnus Award, Gelsons loyalty card member, Old Navy Friends & Family event invitee, Tit.com’s notorious nip slip hall of fame inductee) looking like a shimmering sun-kissed daisy petal at Vivica A. Fox’s 50th birthday party this past weekend: