Aerosmith had to cancel a few shows at the tail end of a tour in South America due to “health reasons” relating to Hamptonswear enthusiast Steven Tyler. And since we’re all a little jumpy these days, especially considering that we just lost Tom Petty, people freaked out and speculated that Steven was in a bad way. According to a statement on the band’s website, some folks thought that Steven had suffered from a heart attack or seizure. Well, Steven wants everybody to calm the fuck down! He’s fine.
Look, I love a comfortable, loose fitting, crisp white v-neck shirt dress as much as the next guy. It’s elegant, yet understated, simple but classic. It quietly assures “I have money but I’m not going to rub it in your face.” It’s as appropriate at a red carpet event (think Diane Keaton at a Nancy Meyers movie premiere) as it is at a garden party in the Hamptons (think Diane Keaton at Nancy Meyers’ house).
But I’m here to tell you, Steven Tyler has got this classic look twisted. Steven showed up at the Celebrity Fight Night Final Gala 2017 at Cinecitta Studios (how does he get all the good invites?!?!) looking like Martha Stewart on the top, Dr. Frankenstein’s monster on the bottom with some sloppy black pants and chunky black shoes. Those sad, baggy black pants don’t even fit. And not one decorative scarf to tie this look together? I would have expected more out of Steven.
I will hand it to him though. The pockets (who doesn’t love a pocket!) and casually cuffed sleeve are divine, and Steven is doing an excellent job working his angles and finding the light. It’s just…I don’t want to see him flounce onto a cushy white couch clutching a paperback and a glass of pinot gris with those fucking clodhopper boots on!
Here’s some more of Steven in the outfit that was ALMOST perfect.
The Walt Disney Company has a long and storied history of unintentional rudeness. Like the priest’s cartoon boner in The Little Mermaid, or the stars spelling out S-E-X in The Lion King, or the fact that Donald walks around without any pants like a damn duck pervert. The accidental rudeness extends to their theme parks as well. There’s a ride at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, FL called the Rock N’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.. It’s a roller coaster starring Aerosmith, and it features Steven Tyler throwing up what looks like an obscene hand gesture. Well, those pearl-clutching prudes at Disney finally caught wind about Steven’s unintentionally filthy hand, and now it’s gone forever. And Steven Tyler is angry that they had the audacity to do so.
Bad news for all of you kinky whores whose wet dream has always been to regularly suckle on Steven Tyler’s luscious and juicy cone chichis, your wet dream isn’t going to come true anytime soon. Because Steven Tyler is much too busy using that big ass mouth to make the toes on his 28-year-old assistant Aimee Ann Preston curl like his.
The Daily Mail says that Aimee has been Steven Tyler’s assistant for a few years and a couple of years ago, there were rumors that she was bouncing on his seasoned fuck part. They’re apparently still at it and made their love “official” at Elton John’s Oscars after-party two Sundays ago when they walked in holding hands. I’m sure that as soon as they sashayed in, everyone turned around and said, “Who is that extremely hot May/December lesbian couple?” The Daily Mail had this to say about Steven and his young piece/assistant:
Now I can reveal the 67-year-old’s companion is Aimee Ann Preston, who at 28 is a full decade younger than his actor daughter Liv.
Aimee Ann is Steve’s personal assistant and although the couple were first rumoured to have dated in 2014, now it’s serious. They made no secret of their romance at Elton’s event and she recently posted pictures online of a new house it’s believed she shares with her older lover.
Sure, Aimee Ann is 10 years younger than Steven’s oldest kid and is only 3 years older than his youngest, but she’s 28 and he’s a rich rock star, so on a scandalous scale of “broke my pearls from clutching so hard” and “didn’t even mouth queef out a ‘meh‘,” this is much closer to “meh.” Besides, at least Steven didn’t have to call an adoption lawyer when he wanted to move Aimee Ann into his house.
Here’s more of Steven busting out John Robert Powers-approved poses with Sheryl Crow at Elton John’s Oscar party.
In the event you’re one of the thousands of people who are currently living My Snow-Called Life (copyright: Ken Jennings) and want some extra heat, here’s something that should warm you up. Steven Tyler was stranded New York City after an appearance on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, so he decided to kill some time yesterday by going for a stroll in the snow with his daughter, Mia. Since the only people out in the snow are either pandas or reporters telling you to stay inside, Steven and Mia accidentally wandered into a live blizzard broadcast by CNN. That’s when Steven got all kinds of cute. Maybe it’s because he was all bundled up like a toddler. Regardless, you’re going to want to grab an absorbent towel, because Steven Tyler waving to his grandson Milo at the 0:33 mark will melt all the icicles off your heart.
— CNN (@CNN) January 23, 2016
The only thing I can’t figure out is why Steven Tyler was walking through the snow. You’d think at least one of Steven’s dogs would have offered to strap on a harness and pull him around in a sled. Wait, what am I saying? Those dogs are rich; the only thing they’re doing is sipping a hot mug of Alpo by the fire.
Pic: Steven Tyler
The music world has been hit hard this month, so what we really need is the gorgeous sight of Steven Tyler to temporarily raise our souls up. Steven Tyler strut strut strutted his ass through LAX today and he was gracious enough to serve up some hotness to the paps and pose next to one of his old glamour shots. You know, Steven Tyler never gets the credit he deserves for being a real fashion icon. Only Steven can work the shit out of bug-eyed grandma glasses from Lord & Taylor, socks with velcro sandals and a scarf thing made from the fur of raccoon stuffed toys.
When we see wannabe fashion tricks like Gigi Hadid and Kendull Jenner work the “Davy Crockett’s grunge-loving great-great-great-granddaughter who works part-time at a healing crystal store in Santa Fe” look in a couple of weeks, we’ll tell them to have a seat. Because Steven Tyler worked it first and he worked it better.