The man responsible for the answer to a 2028 $1000 category Jeopardy question…
A: “It’s the idiotic catch-phrase coined by this 12-time Olympic medalist for competitive swimming.”
Q: “What is ‘JEAH!'”, Alex?”
…is reportedly seeking treatment for issues with alcohol, according to TMZ. Ryan Lochte allegedly tried to kill his hotel room door in Newport Beach, CA on Thursday morning, and will be getting help for “alcohol addiction” according to his lawyer. That’s good to read, but will he get to hit the Jack in a Box drive-through first? You should be allowed some delicious if you’re going to try and start swearing off booze for the rest of your life. That must suck. Continue reading
Uber Bro and occasional Olympic swimmer, Ryan Lochte fulfilled the wet dreams of every broski in America by marrying an ex-Playboy playmate back in January at a courthouse in Florida. According to People, 34-year-old Ryan and 27-year-old Kayla Rae Reid finally celebrated with an “intimate, outdoor wedding”. Just once I would love these publications to describe a celebrity wedding as “a shit show at a reception hall.” Just once.
If I had to guess what makes the Ryan Lochte swimming machine run, I would probably say a six-pack of high-sugar Monster energy drinks, an order of mozzarella sticks from a bar, a bottle of tanning oil, and a whole chlorine puck. All the essential nutrients and energy a brah needs to whip around the pool. And according to USA Today, Ryan does an IV infusion too and that’s a major no-no with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. Ryan has been suspended from swimming because of it. The worst part is, Ryan stupidly left all the evidence out in the open on social media.
The highlight of the 2016 Summer Olympics was when the USA’s head swim brah Ryan Lochte and his merry band of aqua-douches made an enemy of the Rio De Janeiro police department. To recap, “Jeah“-Man and Co. were involved in pissing on a gas station as well as some vandalism. The cops were involved, and Ryan later filed a fake police report, claiming that the police who apprehended them were hoodlums in disguise who held them at gunpoint! It was all waterlogged lies, and Ryan and the rest of Pi Delta Speedo ended up paying fines and issuing public apologies. Ryan, however, was still charged with “false communication of a crime.”
Early this morning, in a labor room somewhere, Ryan Lochte sat by the window and furiously looked at the sky with wide-open eyes. A nurse strolled up, asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t with his fiancee. Ryan didn’t take his eyes off the sky as he excitedly said, “I’m waiting for da stork to bring da bay-beeeeee.” The nurse sighed, shook their head and walked away. The nurse didn’t want to tell Ryan the truth about where babies come from. Ryan’s half brain cell wouldn’t be able to process that heavy news today. It’s already been through so much.
When Olympic gold medalist and fairy tale storyteller of our time Ryan Lochte announced that he’s getting married to his Playboy model girlfriend of less than a year, Kayla Rae Reid, you may have heard a shotgun. No, it wasn’t the sound of an armed Brazilian robber not robbing Ryan Lochte again. It was from little Jeah (that is the only baby name I’ll accept) doing the backstroke in Kayla Rae Reid’s womb.