Early this morning, in a labor room somewhere, Ryan Lochte sat by the window and furiously looked at the sky with wide-open eyes. A nurse strolled up, asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t with his fiancee. Ryan didn’t take his eyes off the sky as he excitedly said, “I’m waiting for da stork to bring da bay-beeeeee.” The nurse sighed, shook their head and walked away. The nurse didn’t want to tell Ryan the truth about where babies come from. Ryan’s half brain cell wouldn’t be able to process that heavy news today. It’s already been through so much.
When Olympic gold medalist and fairy tale storyteller of our time Ryan Lochte announced that he’s getting married to his Playboy model girlfriend of less than a year, Kayla Rae Reid, you may have heard a shotgun. No, it wasn’t the sound of an armed Brazilian robber not robbing Ryan Lochte again. It was from little Jeah (that is the only baby name I’ll accept) doing the backstroke in Kayla Rae Reid’s womb.
Dancing With The Stars contestant and human “duh” Ryan Lochte is still facing charges in Rio for filing a false police report. It turns out that the Brazilian legal system is unimpressed by tearful televised apologies, shaking your ass on a reality show and getting quickie engaged so everyone forgets you’re a walking bottle of AXE body spray. All of those attempts to rehab his image were for naught. Fish is still on the menu in Rio’s courthouse cafeteria!
TMZ reports that Aqua-douche’s lawyers tried to have the court case against him thrown out. As you know, Ryan filed a police report and told the world that he and his merry band of underwater frat brahs were held at gunpoint and robbed by dastardly thieves posing as cops after a post-Olympics party in Rio. But the truth was that Ryan vandalized a gas station with his mitts and his piss and security guards rolled up looking for money to pay for damages (or something). The language barrier might have led to some confusion, but Ryan Lochte is still an entitled pinhead in any dialect.
A judge ruled “Eu não penso assim, douche” on the dismissal request and even gave it an upgrade.
A rep for the Court of Justice tells TMZ … a Rio judge kicked Ryan’s false police report case up to the public Ministry of Justice, which will now begin figuring out how hefty of a fine to drop on Lochte.
Jimmy Feigen was the other swimbo in the group to file a report and he had to pay a fine of $11,000 as punishment. Ryan’s fine will probably be higher seeing as he was the mastermind behind all of these tantics. And I should be fined for using the term “mastermind” in conjunction with anything involving Ryan Lochte.
Yesterday, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour made a stop in Malibu, CA where he proposed to a Playboy model whose name he probably always forgets. Because while in Rio for the Olympics, Ryan denied having a girlfriend and wanted everyone to think that his dick was free to dive into poon after poon. But when you really want to take your image from “party douche liar” to “wholesome family man,” you do desperate shit, like get engaged to a Tinder trick you’ve known for less than a year.
Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte look like they’re having a gallon of chlorinated fun in that picture above, but it sounds like it might be the last shirtless Best Bros 4 Life selfie they will ever take together. Ryan recently spoke to USA Today about taking lemons (lying about getting held at gunpoint in Rio) and making lemonade (attempting to win back America’s love by shaking it on Dancing with the Stars). Sadly, Speedo isn’t the only who isn’t returning Ryan Lochte’s phone calls since the Rio incident. Ryan says he’s also having a hard time getting a hold of Michael Phelps.
This may be the first time in maybe forever that Ryan Lochte’s dopey “Jeah, what’s happening?” face is the correct reaction to something. The 23rd season of Dancing with the Sure, Let’s Call Them Stars premiered last night. For the second time in as many months, Ryan Lochte found himself in another messy situation. Except this time, it really wasn’t his fault.